Teen using internet inappropriately

[Scaredmamma]

So I have just found out my son has been inappropriately using the internet to the extent that it would be considered a safeguarding concern. He is 13. I check his phone and have some parental controls (which obviously doesn’t stop all concerning material being accessed) but I haven’t been concerned about content before so no other restrictions in place. What would you do?
options;

• prevent access to all social media completely.
• check his phone daily.
• let him have limited acccess to social media, eg 1 hour a day but not in bedrooms. (This will be hard to manage when I’m working)
• let him have supervised access to social media but on a limited basis (ie 1 hour a day).
• Get him a phone with no internet (in this day and age it would be hard due to using phone for bus pass, banking, school etc.
• only let him has his phone for to and from school or when out alone (I feel this may push him to going out just to use the phone).

im currently thinking of setting limits to restrict internet (apart from bus pass, maps and WhatsApp) to one hour per day, downstairs only and daily checking of his phone. I’m Going to set up family sharing on his iPhone and see what other restrictions I can implement. I’m not sure if I can set the time for him to use these apps so I can set it for when im home. Until recently he had a Samsung so I managed it with family link but thought we would try him with out the remote access to see how he managed. It’s really hard in this day and age to know the proportionate consequence. The consequence needs to be enough for him to realise the seriousness of this, but not being able to access it at all will significantly impact his mental health as he doesn’t really have friends so this is his outlet and without it he will be quote isolated. He is in 2 rugby teams and attends cadets too so just have plenty of opportunity to socialise. The other thing is that snap chat is used as a messaging app too

I will of course be speaking to him about the dangers and will find some resources online for him to access to.

You need to check his phone frequently but irregularly. You also need to talk to him about what he is doing any why. Having his mother checking up on him frequently will be embarrassing for him.

If his actions are potentially illegal you also need to be educating him about consequences.

What I would do depends on what "safeguarding concern" means.
Is it a danger to himself or others? Is it illegal?

My instinct is always to listen and talk first. Parenting teens well depends on a solid relationship and them feeling like you're on their side. You can impose all the Draconian restrictions in the world, but they tend to find ways around those if they lack respect for what you're doing being in their own best interests.

Thankyou. It is really hard. I have implemented some restrictions as a consequence but I will ease in those after the time frame has lapsed as I know that being too draconian won’t stop it and will just make him more sneaky. I have tried to explain that I am on his side but he is struggling to see this currently. He says he sees this but then in conversation talks about me trying to ruin his life etc. I don’t want to share details on here but I am of the opinion that what he has done doesn’t directly put him or anyone else at risk but is a crime and is very serious. He does have adhd so it is typical for him to do things without thinking it through. He struggles to accept that there’s consequences to actions whether it be this or something else.

If it's a crime you need to explain the consequences of getting a criminal record. You may need to pay for advice from an expert if you want to limit his access. Using something like this would let you know what he is doing - but he'll learn to disable/ evade it. www.safemykid.com/lp/parental-monitoring.html?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22206092564&gbraid=0AAAAAq2-6UyVQ1pXJb-aYfLvI71vYCtnD&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5-OB6Lm8jQMVW4pQBh2StQ1xEAAYBCAAEgI_m_D_BwE

He’s only 13 and he’s already done something you consider a crime- no social media, dumb phone. He does not need unsupervised access to the internet whatsoever, his bus pass can also be a physical pass, he’s 13- he does not need 24/7 access to his bloody banking app, and school comms can go through email.

I would really like to think that I don’t need to go to those extremes as I think it’s not realistic as he will find ways to override or access things in a different way. I’m hoping he has learnt his lesson and won’t do this again as although he knew it was wrong I am100% sure that he did not realise the gravity of this. I have of course spoke with him in depth about the consequences and implications that this could have not only on him but us all.

Hi Op - I think a lot of young people behave very differently on phones/online/ on SM than in real life. Could you sit him down and try to talk him through the seriousness before getting more concerned?

tbh - I am convinced the majority of parents have no clue what their kids are doing on their phones so you are well ahead if you are actually keeping an eye on them.

Yea I have done this. I do work in a safeguarding role so have more of awareness than many people. My son hates this and thinks my job makes me OTT, whereas I’m just as aware as any parent should be!