Not sorting teenagers birthday

[Ineedanaptoo]

My DD has a birthday next week and I’ve said I’m not going to sort everything out for it. Not the family stuff or her party next week. We have had a very few hard years with her mental health and challenging behaviour including her physically hurting me. It’s been better since she changed courses and hasn’t got exams and I really hoped we’d turned a corner. But the last 2 weeks I’ve gone back to walking on eggshells where she verbally lets loose on me saying how we caused all her mental health issues and make everything worse, including her birthday. Even when it was very bad I kept up with traditions like special breakfast treat, decorating and I’m always the one who buys everything and stays up late putting it out. I’ve paid for her into private therapy when CAMHS waiting list was too long, met with school so many times due to her skipping classes and having a fight in school and got me and DH into parenting classes and counselling. All while working and having another child with SEN. After being told she doesn’t want anything to do with me and doesn’t love me because I always ruin her life and birthday, I’ve said I'm stepping back and she can arrange her birthday with DH. I always tell her I love her and I do but I can’t take being her emotional whipping dog anymore.

People will say it’s not her fault and she still deserves a birthday but I’m with you. If my kid was being a dick, I’d give them the punishment of ‘adult consequences’ and that is that people won’t like you very much, and that they will drop the rope on pandering to you.

Make sure you tell DH that you have dropped the rope, otherwise it will be your fault if he doesn't step up.

I can completely understand why you feel this way. My only worry would be you will be handing her an example of how you (in her words) “ruined her birthday” on a silver plate, to throw in your face forever more.

I don’t know what the answer is because I think I would want to do the same as you, and to step up for her birthday would be like rewarding the behaviour. But I worry stepping back might also backfire. It’s a rock and a hard place.

@Ineedanaptoo I could have written your post. I also have a teen (neurodiverse, ASC) who blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life and I too don’t know how to deal with it. She too has MH issues.

PPs are right, she needs to learn that in the adult world, people do not do nice things for verbally aggressive people. In practice, I think it’s going to be very tough on you to carry out, but it may be for the best.

My DD is planning an outing with friends this weekend, she has SN so has never travelled independently but wants to get on a 3 hour train ride into a destination she has never been to. I have offered to help her to make it happen, but I asked her to help plan the route and to talk to her friends so I know where she’s going. She’s refused and has lashed out saying I’m too controlling, have ruined her entire life, I think she’s stupid and so on it went. She’s now decided not to go and it’s all my fault.

It’s exhausting.

How old is she?
I have a similar situation and have said the following:
If you want to hate me and blame me for everything that is your right and I can't change that but it is also my right to choose not to live my life being abused. Since you hate me so much it is best for us all if you move out. I will no longer be paying for anything for you either.

Obviously if she is too young you can't say that but it definitely stopped the abusive behaviour in my household because I was actually deadly seriousl

OP, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Unfortunately I don't think there is any “reasonable” where recalcitrant teenagers are concerned. Birthdays have always been a big deal in our house, so there’s no way I could have ignored one of my own DC’s birthdays - and I fear that if you do, your DD will hold it against you. It’s not so much that I think you’re being unreasonable to walk away, just that I don’t think you should, otherwise your DD will turn round and tell anyone who will listen that her own mother couldn’t be bothered to do anything for her birthday (and will probably say you favour the other sibling). In the final analysis, you’re the adult, and the mother, and you can’t give up on your child while she’s still living at home with you. Remember, kids can tell you that you don’t love them because they want your love - and children most need your love when they’re least lovable.

Well done OP. This is a common experience for many. My teen son is Autistic/ADHD. Everything is someone else's fault.

This is an excellent lesson. You consistently treat people like shit; they won't want to do anything for you.

If she asks, I'd be absolutely honest about this fact.

I appreciate life is really unfair and much harder for these kids. The stress of school is often the biggest driver. But that's not your fault. None of it is.

Stick to your guns.

@sesquipedalian Reading your response, I’ve changed my mind. I agree with you, that this might actually cause more harm than good in the long run. OPs DD would only ever remember the lack of effort on her birthday and not the context.

@Ineedanaptoo I do think you need to stick to your guns, but maybe her birthday is not the right time to do it. Could you have a talk with her and explain that you don’t feel like you should be doing it, you love her and that’s why you are , but that she needs to start doing things for herself if she’s treating you so badly. I would then stop doing all her laundry, making meals for her and so on.

Sorry, I don’t have much advice as I’m in the same boat with you.

It’ll make her reliese what you do for her when you stop doing it. Crack on, she’s being very unfair and spoilt.

"I’ve said I'm stepping back and she can arrange her birthday with DH. I always tell her I love her and I do but I can’t take being her emotional whipping dog anymore."

If you've clearly stated this and she has a father around to do it then you are doing nothing wrong.

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I was a bit worried about posting as already feeling quite vulnerable.
last year DD had a house party with 20 teens. I ruined her birthday as I came back at the agreed time of the party ending and walked into the kitchen, upsetting the vibe which meant some people left. I also went into the bathroom to find one girl being sick and made sure she had a parent coming to collect her and offered to give a lift home. This year DD wanted me DS to go away for her party next weekend as I ruin everything.
I have talked to DH, answered his questions about what the plans were up until I backed away and he has gone to have a chat with DD. It will be the first time in 17 years he’s done any of it so we will see.

Gosh, I'm so sorry this is really difficult. To be honest, I think that it's a good idea to step back from her birthday celebrations (maybe she will see how much you've done for her in previous years if you do this?) With my daughter, she went through a phase of being quite ungrateful on her birthdays, even though I'd make her a cake, but nothing was ever good enough. It got really tiring.

On a different topic, I have a good recommendation for somehting that helped my daughter's wellbeing and mental health, which is an app called luna (https://weareluna.app/?utm_campaign=mumsnet_share&utm_id=_1) it has lots of advice about mental health, therapists, and CAMHS. But, more generally it's for overall wellbeing so encouraged my daughter to take control of her health, get into better routines, get more motivated etc.

Or I'd recmomend the calm app, or headspace, anything like that is good to just have a bit of a breather and time out, and focus on feeling more grounded. I understand it's tough though.

We use Calm at home, not heard of others but will look at as I was trying to find something for dd but not landed on it yet.

I remember having a rocky relationship at times with my mum but then we did end up being best friends as we got older. I do think things change over time, I'm sorry it's hard right now, sounds like you are doing a lot and hoping you get through it @Ineedanaptoo , sending strength.