DD15: 'Everyone's Got/Had a Boyfriend' (except me)

[TexasNeverWhispers]

How do I console my Y10 that it doesn't matter at her age, when I remember feeling similarly forlorn when I was a similar age?
DD goes to all-girls comp but a lot of her classmates have had experience of relationships so she is feeling inadequate. She is not 'out there' on social media and has no desire to be meeting boys online. Some of her classmates have met boys through family friendships and clubs but we are a very small family unit and the extracurricular she does is mostly with other girls (by accident not design).
She is otherwise fairly confident in herself and in her appearance - and might even come across as slightly intimidating with her 'ice queen' looks! I know she does not need a boyfriend or a relationship to feel validated but it's all her friends talk about and it's obviously a badge of honour among girls.
Can I reassure her it's not unusual not to have
experience and that it'll all change when she goes to a mixed 6th form next year?

To be honest, I think you just have to keep repeating it. Teens always think that everyone else has a boyfriend/girlfriend before them, but in reality most don't until 6th form. In the meantime, she's best just being herself and spending her time doing stuff she enjoys. She certainly shouldn't be looking to change herself just to attract boys.

I felt like that so much so I sympathise massively. I didn't actually get a boyfriend until I was in my first term at university. At the time I felt hideous but now I am so glad that I got to focus on schoolwork and my friends rather than having the endless boyfriend dramas that they did.

I got a boyfriend really quickly at uni and then after we broke up I was with my now DH within weeks so not having a boyfriend now does not mean that she won't in the future even if it feels that way to her right now.

I went to an all girls school and didn't have a boyfriend til sixth form. Have you pointed out to her that it's not that she's asked and been rejected, she just isn't in a position to meet boys yet..? (Also she should make the most of being free from the curse that is men 😬)

Think you should talk to her about how finding someone you genuinely connect with is far more important than just bagging any boy in order to say you've got a boyfriend... because getting together with a boy just to keep up with your friends can lead to some extraordinarily bad experiences.

Ah bless her, and you. All will be well in the end.

If she really wants to take action, apparently the way to meet nice boys/men is to take up a sport. And at least she'd get active and healthy.

Thanks all for the reassurances and suggestions, some of which I have repeated to her but she doesn't have my benefit of hindsight (also a late bloomer and watching on the sidelines but it was irrelevant once I'd started Uni). Also feeding my anxiety is the reality that the way young people work and socialise is so different to mine 30 years ago..the ways of meeting people.. early jobs, uni - even clubbing - are so different now that everyone lives online.

The race for younger teens to ‘get’ a boyfriend is being fuelled by social media - it’s yet another thing to post about.
Its also a way of having someone to exclusively hang out with - no more feeling left out when friends do something together without you.

At this age boyfriends come and go but actual friends could last a lifetime.

I feel for today’s teens.

If she really wants a boyfriend (not saying she needs one!) has she actually done anything to get one? Boys won't come chasing after her if she gives no indication of interest, particularly if she goes to an all girls school and doesn't do social media/online. IME with my teens there's a lot of legwork from both sides before any official relationships status.

I remember this. I was at a girls’ school and knew almost no boys. I didn’t exactly want a boyfriend but did feel left out when others did.

I remember my mum saying very confidently that it would not be an issue as soon as I got to uni - and she was absolutely right. Hearing that really did help actually, so keep saying it, it may help internally even if she dismisses it outwardly. And in your DD’s case it’s even sooner, 6th form so really not long.

Mid teen boys are a very mixed bag anyway 😆 16+ much more appealing.

Give them 10 years and they won’t even be classing these “boyfriends” as real relationships 😂

The race to get boyfriends has existed for a long time.. I remember it well in the 70s. it was a nightmare.

It might even happen really soon
Age 17 at 6th form my DD had never had a boyfriend when lots of her friends had. She never said she was upset about it but I did wonder.
Then this year (just in time for A levels) she’s met a guy at a friends party who seems really nice and they are inseparable and very much loves young dream.
The friends mum told me she overheard her saying to her friend that shes really happy because she thought she would never ever have a boyfriend
Im happy for her but in many ways I wish she had waited til uni and then a) it wouldn’t affect her A levels and b) I wouldn’t have to have awkward discussions about sex in my house.

Its kinda like when I wished she would walk as a baby and then as soon as she could I wished she would go back to sweetly sitting where I’d left her 😀

I think this could be a useful discussion with her about the reality of how we make things happen in our own lives.

She isn't active on social media (which is perfectly healthy) and she does activities with girls...where would she meet a boy?

Just as we need to do as adults she could have a look at how she could broaden her own social circle with a focus on just being more socially active generally

You can teach her that it's always worth considering what is actually in our control

The more new friends she makes or people she meets...the more likely it is she will eventually meet a nice guy.

Drama is a great hobby for any age that is mixed ..or is there a youth club near by ?

I met my first BF my gcse summer at a techno club.!.I know it's much harder for teens to go clubbing now..but she can still make changes to meet new people

What’s ice queen looks? Anyways year 10 is ages 14/15, she sounds quite immature to be kicking off about not having a boyfriend because some of her friends have them. She should probably not be dating if this is her attitude. You just got to let kids get on with it. I take it she’ll be going into year 11 in September? Most people, usually progress a lot in year 11 due to becoming 16, hence legally allowed to have sex. Things will probably change I’m sure.

No it’s not. I’m late 30s, we didn't have Facebook or Instagram when I was young. Me and my friends were obsessed with boys. That was over 20 years ago.

Yup. Same when I was growing up in the early 00s. Of course we need to blame it on social media though 🤣

At 17 I would hope she knew about sex. Plenty of people I knew had sex when they were 14/15/16, it happens.

I went to an all girls school and felt the same. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was at uni and I was 20. That lasted 2 years then met my second boyfriend when I was 22. I married him and we have two kids. I’m 36 now!

I felt the same and felt practically geriatric when I got a boyfriend at just turned 18. In retrospect while many of my friends were dating lots weren’t. Maybe next time she says it get her to actually think about everyone in her class and how many of them have boyfriends in reality.

Agree with PP advice about thinking where she might meet boys in future whilst also emphasising that these things will happen naturally as she goes to sixth form etc. Does she know many boys? I found lots of girls school girls had way off ideas about boys and how magical they are 😂

She may think lots of girls at school have boyfriends, but I bet the reality is much different! Girls will and do say a lot of things that may not necessarily be true or exaggerated. Of course there will be a percentage that do indeed have boyfriends but I can guarantee your daughter won't be the only one who doesn't. She just feels like she is. Keep reassuring her that she's not abnormal and as she gets older, she will meet different people and meet someone. I was 17 before I had a boyfriend, and I expect there are a lot of MNers who were the same.

Loads of nice lads spending all hours at the cricket club at this time of year.