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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

My DD 17 told me she hates me and wishes I was dead

21 replies

nearlybonkers · 19/05/2008 18:01

We had a massive row. Her DF and I have big trust issues and had a big row. I am human, feeble and weak and she has seen this. Teenagers out there is there anything other than sorry that will make here realize I still love her but I am depressed.

OP posts:
marmadukescarlet · 19/05/2008 18:16

Oh bonkers are you ok?

I'm not a teen and my DC are younger, but just wanted to reply.

Madlentileater · 19/05/2008 18:23

poor you. no advice really just sympathy. She doesn't mean it. why did you row?

Mercy · 19/05/2008 18:38

I'm not qualified to advise as I don't have teenagers but I do remember (just) what it's like to be one.

It's quite right imo that your teenage child should see that you are human with all its foibles. Teenagers are like toddlers imo - self-centred. It's not their fault, it's a developmental phase which they need to go through.

Can you tell us a bit more?

(sorry to hear you are upset btw)

nearlybonkers · 19/05/2008 19:36

Thank Mercy. I'm not OK. She hates me so much. DF had an affair and still works with the person. Sometimes the jealousy gets too much and then I have a drink and all the insecurities get shouted out. I wish I was a saint, who never made mistakes and earned lots of money instead of the useless human that I am.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 19/05/2008 20:08

Um - so your DP was unfaithful, and you are still having jealousy issues, and your DD is angry at you? Presumably she wants you to pretend everything is fine, and make a nice little make-believe world where everything magically goes back to how it was. You're not allowed to have real feelings, because only teenagers really feel anything, or get their hearts broken....

I think your DD is going to have to grow up a bit and deal withthe reality of the situiation. In the mean time, it sounds like you and DP still have things to work out - could you go to Relate or something to work through what has happened? It must be really difficult for you, knowing that DP sees the OW all the time at work.

Elasticwoman · 24/05/2008 23:33

Sorry you are going through this terrible pain nearlybonkers, and now dd is adding insult to injury.

Could it be that dd doesn't hate you for the unfaithfulness of DF and your feelings, but because you had a few drinks?

I would have been very scared to have seen either of my parents the worse for wear, when I was a teenager.

You will be no use to her if you keep drinking and she knows that. She desperately wants you to cope, so that you can support her. If you can't stop drinking on your own, get help.

You have taken the first step by coming onto MN so that you can discuss your feelings. If you want a more concrete suggestion, it is that you show your dd that you are sorry, by taking steps to get your life back together. It's not the amount of money you can bring into the household that is important - it's being dependable and available to support your dd. You are not available to her if you have had a few drinks.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's meant to be constructive.

Tortington · 24/05/2008 23:48

she doesn't have to grow up a bit!

her mum is depressed
her dad is a wanker

her life is slowly breaking

she is feeling a little fucked up - in that framework its not comepltely abnormal.

firstly i think you need to worry about you and sort yourself out

lets face it another year and shes legally on her own.

so you worry about you.

Shitemum · 24/05/2008 23:51

Does she know about the affair?
If so is she angry about that in some way?
If she doesnt know about it then she doesnt know why you are upset.

maryz · 24/05/2008 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmugColditz · 24/05/2008 23:54

17 year olds are legally protected by the Children's Act for a reason.

They are still children.

And as I have said on many many threads about children of many many ages....

You cannot insist that a child become older than he/she is simply because it would be easier, more convenient or indeed a matter of life and death for you. They cannot grow up when you say so. They cannot be older just because you need them to be.

You can only ask for what they can give, and asking a 17 year old for maturity and measured responses when they are under huge stress is a fucking big ask.

SmugColditz · 24/05/2008 23:57

17 year olds are horrible, in the main. They are selfish, self centred and self serving.

They are also neurologically set up to be this way. They may look like adults but they have the empathy of children. They are not being childish to piss you off. They are being childish because they are children.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/05/2008 00:15

I dont think you realize the impact a drinking parent has on a child. Even if not officially an alcoholic.

I had big issues with my dad's alcohol intake. I could see his behaviour change, and it really scared me. I never let on. He was depressed, he had his own issues, he was bitter, and took it out on me after drinks.
I developed a fear of alcohol. I was a shivering wreck if I had driven past the city centre and seen drunk people. I had to steel myself to go to a party in case there was drinking. In the end it was so bad I would get anxiety attacks each time I came into contact with a person under the influence of alcohol (Luckily it never occured to me to join them in the drinking). Shaking, and feeling sick, alone in bed at night, falling asleep exhausted around 4-5 am. I started nicking my mums valium to get some sleep and relief. It is not a coincidence that I have chosen for husband a man who is a teetotaller who had an alcoholic dad. The one time my husband came home drunk was after his company leaving do, and I spent the night shaking under the kitchen table. And no, councelling wont help me, I have rationalized through it all, I have a strong mind. But as a 16 year old having an unhappy drunk dad take out his issues on me, much like it sounds like you are doing with your daughter, you are doing some serious harm.

You should be your childs rock and support. At the moment you are not, you are not a safe haven for her, which she can come for comfort in her stormy teenage years. You are one of the reasons her life is hard. When she says I Hate You. Believe me, she does.

But YOU can turn this around. She will be longing to have you back as her mum, her rock and her support, and she WILL be willing to erase all the hurt.

Elasticwoman · 25/05/2008 13:04

Isn't that what I said, Quint?

QuintessentialShadows · 25/05/2008 15:16

Elasticwoman, what is your point? Do you think I should not have posted because you had said something similar below?

bearmama · 25/05/2008 15:25

Dont have teenagers but I remember being one. Its a pretty standard phrase to throw at a parent but I know that wont be much comfort. The point is that she doesnt mean it and would be devastated if it came true.

Its a letting off of steam at a difficult time and you took the flak, unfortunately.

Sorry you are going through this and hope you get some good constructive support. X

Elasticwoman · 25/05/2008 17:30

Quint I just would have preferred you to say that you were agreeing with some of what had already been said, as well as adding to it.

dittany · 25/05/2008 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 25/05/2008 17:53

Elasticwoman. I see.

Do you want to know what I prefer?

That mumsnetters should be able to post their own personal experiences without some unknown entity grasping after recognition for what they have said earlier. I dont usually post about my teenage years and personal problems regards to this, it took a lot of soul searching. And there comes you, "I prefer you to recognise what I said first". Get lost you b /&*^!

Elasticwoman · 25/05/2008 21:14

Happy holidays to you too, Quint .

QuintessentialShadows · 25/05/2008 22:04

Oh Elasticwoman, why did you have to make me smile? I thoroughly enjoy my really grumpy bad day. Sorry for being a twunt.

maryz · 25/05/2008 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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