At a loss, teen vs stepdad

[BobbingForSanity]

Im not sure I'm posting in the right place, i haven't used mumsnet for about 10 years. Not even sure where to start or what im looking for from the post really, maybe i just need a rant? I dont know. I do know this is going to be long winded though. So apologies in advance.
I separated from my sons dad (B) after an 11 year relationship in 2019 when DS(now 12) was 7. I'd been with him from the age of 13 so i was very naive and let a lot slide that adult me would have rioted about. It was an unhappy relationship with a lot of gaslighting/emotional abuse but occasional physical stuff. If DS hadn't have happened then I'd have left him years before, but I was a teen parent and didn't want the shame of being a single teen parent, the judgement was already bad enough so I stayed until I couldn't cope anymore. I'm no contact with B for a myriad of reasons but talk to his parents regularly so go through them for anything relating to DS. DS spends every other week at my house, so I have 50/50 care with his dad.
Shortly after the relationship with B ended i got close to an old friend (H) who i'd briefly dated before the relationship with B. For the first couple of months it was platonic but one thing led to another and I've been with him since mid 2020. The first 6 months or so was rocky due to poor mental health and unlearning a lot of toxic behaviour from past relationships on both sides. But we figured it out and have been very happy since. We had a daughter (planned) in 2022.
Before DD was born DS and DP clashed occasionally but 90% of the time they were fine, DS listened to DP most of the time and things were good. Since having DD theyve clashed more which I put down to DS's age and hormones etc. as DS has also been an absolute nightmare for me over the last 24 months so I thought it was just par for the course. However the last 12 months have been awful. He's rude to me/DP and has been rude to grandparents on occasion which is mortifying 🫣 he snaps at everyone, he flat out refuses to do chores unless you nag and/or turn his phone off, then mopes round like you're the bad guy even though he's had plenty of warnings. And he'll argue the sky is green til he's blue in the face which is infuriating but I guess it's part of having teens/preteens? Either way, there's been a lot of arguments and tellings off for my DS from myself and DP. Nothing major, just the standard 'do what you're told or you'll lose xyz' and myself/DP have said on occasion that my DS is lucky he wasn't born in the 90s and didn't have DP's parents because hed be so much worse off than just losing his phone etc if he gave them the same attitude he gives us. (DPs parents weren't afraid to get physical and were really quite abusive but obviously it was seen as normal then) For the record, myself and DP have never raised a hand to either of our children out of anger. I think it's abhorrent and wouldn't ever let it happen in our home. We rough house and mess around with DS every so often (think very theatrical sword fighting/ monty python kinda stuff) but we've always stopped when asked and neither of us would ever be rough enough to hurt him. I digress.
So with DSs recent attitude and pushing boundaries/seeing how far he can wind us up before we shout at him everything came to a head almost 2 weeks ago. The trigger was that i told DS if he didn't tidy his bedroom and make it safe for our elderly (slightly incontinent) pet to get around then I'd be emptying his room of everything that wasn't essential because I've been asking him to do it for well over a month and if theres any animal mess in there i wouldnt be able to find it, so its a literal health hazard. This resulted in DS throwing a major tantrum, swearing and stomping around like a constipated bear. By the end of the day his room hadnt changed so i told him it was getting emptied tomorrow. He started mouthing and when i stuck to my guns and didn't back down he called his dad and asked to stay there instead because my partner had supposedly threatened him and being nasty so he didn't feel safe here! So his dad turned up and collected him, I said that B could keep him til the following Sunday. Over the course of the week DS has gone from saying that DP is awful to him all the time to saying DP is only awful when I'm not there, which i am 99.9% sure is untrue. Obviously DP tells DS off sometimes when hes rude to me, and tells DS to get on with his chores when hes fannying round and trying to drag it out until bedtime so he cant do his chores, but hes never been horrible in an abusive sense! He just calls DS out on his bs and since DS has no boundaries and very little active parenting at his dad's, DS doesn't like it. I'm sick of hearing things like 'you're not my dad you can't tell me what to do' and other variations of the same. It's exhausting. And it's definitely not helped by B treating DS as a friend and letting him get away with murder. B also loves drama so i feel like he eggs DS on and puts things into his head, as recently DS has said things neither myself or my partner have told him or even suggested. But i dont know if thats just since hes that age and its things hes heard at school etc. Either way i've had CCTV installed in the house (exluding bedrooms and the bathroom obviously) to make sure DP is covered in case DS says anything else, or obviously on the extremely small chance that my DP is actually awful to him then I can deal with it and get things sorted. DS has argued with me all weekend about coming home, and has finally come back today but he's clearly not impressed.
I just have no idea what to do from here. I'm really struggling to deal with DS's behaviour. I see so many things in his behaviour and mannerisms and world view that I know have been picked up from his dad because he idolises him. In DSs eyes his dad can do no wrong and I don't know how to move past this or get my DS to see that the sun doesn't shine out of Bs bum. Like he doesn't have to like my DP, but there's better role models for him out there than his dad! Obviously I don't want him to live with his dad full time, but I also don't want him here if hes just going to be accusing my DP of things and making life miserable for everyone else. I'm so out of my depth here, I knew teens were hard but I didn't sign up for this 😭 does anyone have any advice for me? It'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks ❤️

I would try to reduce the times when DS and DP are home alone together if possible. It’s good that you and DP are a united front. I would keep on doing that but let you deal with DS when he is being rude / awkward.

e.g. DP gives DS an instruction such as, please lay the table for dinner. If DS doesn’t do it then you should be the one asking again and giving a punishment, not DP.

Teenage years can be really tricky. Reward DS when he is good (as in, say thank you or make his favourite dinner, not buy him an Xbox!)

I think that it’s really important that you take DS’s accusations seriously even if you are completely sure that they’re rubbish. That’s the best way of teaching him that you have his back.

Id start by trying to arrange some sort of therapy for him. And by asking him to write down a list of days, times and what happened so that you can see the pattern. I’d also contact school about it.

Seperately to that I’d start a dialogue with DS about “what would you do if you were the parent?” about some of the biggest triggers. So for example, on the room cleaning what would he do? If his suggestion is at all feasible then I’d say to him ok, we’ll try that. I’m hoping that it’ll give you a chance to open a dialogue about rights and wrongs of parenting, without bad mouthing his dad.

Thank you they're good suggestions ill try 😊 DP and DS are rarely left alone, unless it's around/after DDs bedtime as then DP stays upstairs with her since she's not a great sleeper and DS watches tv downstairs so even though they're both here they don't cross paths if you get me. Ds has been strangely obedient since coming home though so I'm wondering if he knows he's taken things too far and is trying to suck up 🤔 we shall see

Sorry to say I don’t think step parents should have any role in disciplining their step child. That’s for you, his resident parent, and his father.

Having your kid’s back is vitally important. That doesn’t mean you always capitulate to them, but it does mean you listen to them first and attend to their emotional needs first, before any step parents in the household.

Also, you are on an absolute hiding to nothing trying to position your partner as a better alternative to your son’s father. That will not hit home with your kid now, at ALL, even if it might be objectively true in the long run. Kids’ primary relationships are generally with their natural parents (unless disaster or abandonment) and birth siblings.

Your son is right though - your partner is not his dad, he’s not his parent and he should be leaving any disciplining to you . I do think you are in a very awkward situation trying to co parent with someone who has no rules but you need to pick your battles . If one of your main issues is his room help him to keep it tidy , spend 30 minutes or whatever sorting it out so it starts off clean and then spend 10 minutes with him every other day he’s at home tidying it with him so it doesn’t get back in a mess . I know that means he’s not doing it himself but he will be helping and that is better than arguing about it and living in a tense environment.

Why have you got a pet that pisses everywhere having access to children's bedrooms.
That's vile
And it's his bedroom,he should be allowed to choose how he lives in that room,you only want it clean to check for excrement.
FFS
Keep the pet in the kitchen where accidents can be mopped up.
I never got involved in how my kids kept their bedrooms ,it was their space ,their private space .
With no pressure on them about their rooms they all keep it tidy and keep clothes put away and bring their dirty ones down and take clean back up and put away without being asked.
No kid wants to live with a step parent,they always want their real parent
So it's going to be difficult
No step parent feels the same for their step kid as their own kid ,that's just biology.
You need to dial down the agro in your house , especially as it can effect your dds childhood growing up in an angry home

You rushed into a relationship with DP when you were barely out of a long term abusive relationship with his father (having 'dated' him before when you were 13 doesn't mean anything) and had a baby only 2 years later, after a 'rocky' 6 months. Your poor son has been rushed into this new family situation with no choice or time to recover and process his experiences with his dad. And now you have his step dad constantly telling him off and digging at him. Teenage boys are a massive pain (I have one) and rarely enjoy having a step dad (I also have a husband who isn't his dad) but my husband doesn't attempt to discipline my son and only ever says anything about his behaviour if it really gets too much. Even then he leaves any decision making and consequences to me. Your son clearly feels pushed out and intimidated by your partner, you should be listening to him.

I agree with @FortyElephantsand it jumped out to me that you said things were okay before when ‘DS listened to DP’, so he’s always been having to do what your DP says and if he doesn’t that’s when the problems start. You brought this guy into DS’s life way too fast after splitting with his dad. That was about your own needs, as was planning DD so soon, but it’s inevitably not been the best thing for DS and now you’re seeing the consequences. As PP says, you need to focus on DS and not see the issue as him needing to fall in line with his stepdad or else. That’s not going to happen however much you will it for your own peace. You’re his parent not DP and that needs to be the priority.

So let me get this straight, you split up with your DS’ father in 2019, started a new relationship in 2020 and by 2022 the new guy had moved in and you’d given birth? And you planned this? At no point did you stop and think this was too fast for your DS? Especially since life was upside down anyway because of COVID?

Also, you dated this guy briefly when you were 12, have you known him all this time or did you reconnect in 2020? How well did you know him? Did you move him because of the Covid bubble stuff?

Since having DD theyve clashed more which I put down to DS's age and hormones etc.

So you don’t think it had anything to do with you having a new baby, no? You really think it’s all hormones?

Obviously I don't want him to live with his dad full time, but I also don't want him here if hes just going to be accusing my DP of things and making life miserable for everyone else.

What a disgusting thing to say! This is your child and he is lashing out because he’s deeply unhappy (doesn’t take a genius to figure out why) but instead of being concerned about him and trying to help him, your entire post is about what a nightmare he is and how things are affecting you, your partner and your pet (and slagging off your ex). Nowhere have you stopped to think about how your DS might be feeling, what’s causing his behaviour, trying to get him help etc.

Honestly it reads like maybe he’s a reminder of your horrible ex and it’s upsetting your shiny new family because nowhere in your post is there any love or consideration towards your DS.

Ds has been strangely obedient since coming home though so I'm wondering if he knows he's taken things too far and is trying to suck up 🤔 we shall see

So even when he’s not doing anything this is your attitude towards him? Instead of praising him or ceasing the opportunity to have a heart to heart with him since things are calmer, this is your first thought, that’s he’s “sucking up” and you’re waiting to see if he fails? Obedient is an interesting choice of word too. Honestly the way you talk about your DS is horrible.

You split with your DS’s dad, started a new relationship, moved the new bloke in and gave birth all within 3 years (all with the added upheaval of covid during this time) and you’re honestly surprised your DS is lashing out? And instead of reflecting on your part in all of this, you’re putting the blame solely on him when he’s a child who’s had no say in anything.

You’ve failed to prioritise your DS at every single step and this the consequence of that.

Also, don’t even get me started on all the abuse allegations that you’re just dismissing out of hand, even if you don’t think they’re true as a parent you’re still supposed to support your DS because FYI, no one ever thinks there’s abuse going on right under their nose but we all knows it happens. From my understanding, abuse can start / escalate once a step parent has a biologic child of their own (suddenly they don’t want a cuckoo in their nest).

FYI - if your partner knows about the CCTV then it’s not actually going to help your DS is it even if he is telling the truth as your partner will just do it covertly.

The previous poster is spot on. My heart hurt for him reading your post. Why, why did you jump straight into a new relationship instead of prioritising your son at really difficult time ie during covid? Why on earth did you have another child so quickly - you're so young, you have years and years ahead of you for that!

I dont know how you undo this mess but please, please start putting your son first. As he heads into his teens he's going to become bigger, angrier and more distant unless you're able to reconnect with him, and you risk losing him altogether and ruining his life in the process.

You need to reconnect with your son. If you want him to have a better role model than your ex it is going to have to be you being that role model - not your partner. He sounds frustrating but also probably pretty upset - his family arrangement whilst not your fault is disruptive and he’s going to feel like a bit of an outsider in your very stable family unit unless you make a real effort to bring him into it more in a positive way. You can have boundaries as well but don’t forget to balance them with positive connection building experiences.

I agree with @ThrowAwayHooray You did sign up for this. You dumped all of this on a child of seven !

Never once did you consider his feelings, what he might need, how he was coping with the break up of his home. You just rushed in to getting yourself a new man and a new baby, and now you are whining that your child is misbehaving!

What do you expect? He is unhappy, feeling unloved and pushed out. Can't you see that? It isn't about you.

I suggest you stop your partner having any part in disciplining your son. Leave your dd with your partner, and have at least one day a weekend alone time with your son, doing stuff together and focusing on him alone. You need to rebuild that relationship, show him you love and care for him before he goes seriously off the rails.

I don't mean spend a fortune on days out but take him swimming or to his choice of cinema or just out doing what he likes to do, without the new family in tow.

Or let him live with his dad full time !

What’s the timeline of this man moving into your home? You separated from the ex in 2019 and by mid 2020 you were with this new guy. We were in an out of lockdown for months on end so presumably this new man wasn’t introduced to your son for quite a while, especially during those initial 6 months where things were “rocky”. Ideally you’d have left it a year or so before bringing this man into your son’s life but it doesn’t sound like it if you were pregnant in 2021?

It sounds like your son has been through a lot of change and you are expecting him to take this new man seriously as a parental figure. Why would he? He has a dad who he sees 50/50.

Also, implying things like ‘you’re lucky you aren’t being physically disciplined’ and threatening to empty his room are quite extreme behaviours. It’s no wonder he isn’t happy at home.

How do you 'rough house and mess around' to the point your DS has to ask you to stop? Are you teasing him too? It really sounds like it's you and your DP against your DS.

@ThrowAwayHooray is spot on.

I have a 14yo ds and I don't recognise any of the behaviours that you are describing. It's not automatically part and parcel of having a teen. Your DS is showing you that he is struggling, and you need to help him.

You teenager was a victim of domestic abuse. Did you seek any help for his?

His Dad and you split up so he had two homes, you went through a period of poor mental health, you then quickly moved in another man and had a baby and you allow your DP to parent him. No wonder the poor lad is having a difficult time. A lot of your post seems to be able how he is making your life difficult, he is a child and you need to start understanding that he is having a difficult time.

I don’t usually read lengthy PP posts but this one nails it. Your poor DS. Wake up and start parenting him with some love and compassion or let him live with your eX.

I also agree with @ThrowAwayHooray. You’ve created an incredibly difficult situation for your own son, full of traps. And now we all wait for him to screw up.

The lack of awareness that you can actually think and say that everything was dandy when your child did what your boyfriend wanted is mind blowing.

Yeah this stood out for me too

Sometimes something jumps out of a post at me for some reason.@BobbingForSanityI was caught by you saying you tell your son that he was lucky he wasn’t born in the ‘90s because he’d get more than having his phone taken off him, and that your dp’s parents were abusive but “it was normal then”. No it wasn’t. And I do wonder whether you believing this means you are
ninimising how your dp is with your ds? Just a thought…..

This 100%. You are allowing a grown man threaten your son. What is wrong with you

You are no contact with your son’s father yet there is 50/50 contact split?
That is a huge problem there too. How can either of you think that going to be anything but damaging to your son.

Trying to get all the replies in one so sorry if i miss something. Dd was born on nye 2022. I have health issues and have had 9 miscarriages that we know of, and 4 possible chemical pregnancies/MMCs while i was with DSs dad. DPs fertility isn't great either due to an accident as a teen so we thought it would take years to catch and have a pregnancy that stuck, and were resigned to the possibility that it probably wouldn't happen for us. By a miracle i got pregnant the third month off contraception. So she was planned, but not expected to happen so quickly.
In regards of saying he's lucky, we say it along the lines of saying when we were kids we'd have been grounded/ lost toys for more minor things and lost things for longer etc. Weve never threatened physical violence but have talked about how parents before our generation went more to physical violence than the parenting methods we use today. I cant remember the exact conversation but one of his aunts made a comment that she'd have got a clip round the ear for something and he asked us what she'd meant, so DP told him about how as a child he'd have his bum smacked and sent to his room for the day, and had been grounded for weeks/months rather than the day etc. But again, we've never threatened him with anything physical we've just said that he's lucky he's only lost his phone for an hour rather than a week like DP/ myself would have. That kind of thing. I added the anecdote saying DPs parents were awful by today's standards because from the get go DP made it very clear that his parents methods weren't the way he wanted to raise his kids, but he has told me/ds about things they did if its come up in conversations.
In terms of rough housing, We've taught both kids that if they don't want to play rough/mess around coz they're not in the mood or whatever then all they have to do is say stop. (Think the bluey episode where bingo uses her big girl bark) neither myself nor DP tease the kids, we banter with DS but in an age appropriate way and he usually takes the lead and cracks the first joke.
I also make sure i spend plenty of solo time with DS, we do days out/ the cinema or build lego or some days he just wants to watch tv so that's what we do. We also do things that's just myself and the kids, and occasionally do days out with all of us. Its not perfect but I try to give him the best of both worlds. DP also talks video games and nerdy stuff with him when I'm cooking or whatever, and 99% of the time they get on great and I can't get a word in edgeways so the accusation was quite out of the blue which is why I don't understand it.
Before the last 18 months or so DP rarely had to tell DS off or remind him of his manners, then DS has gradually got arsier towards me and more recently he has been outright rude to me on occasion so DP has stepped in and backed me up. But generally I'm the one doing any disciplinary things unless DS is being overly arsy and i need some support. DP does tend to remind DS to do his daily chores more than I do, but im the one that gives consequences etc. For context DSs chores are really simple things like putting his shoes and clothes away/ to wash, washing the pots 2x a week and looking after his bedroom. He doesn't have to do a lot in comparison to my friends 12 year old so I don't think I ask too much of him.
50/50 care between mine and his dad's is what DS wanted, I wanted his dad to have him on weekends, but DS suggested a week here/there towards the end of covid so we rolled with it and he asked if we could do it long term so that's what we do.
I tried not to give too much that could be identifying in the OP but it's difficult to see the bigger picture without it i think.
B is 30 but lives with his parents in a 2 bedroom house a 5 minute walk away. When DS is there, B sleeps on an air mattress in his parents living room so that DS can have the bedroom. So even if i wanted DS to go there permanently i don't think its suitable for him or his dad in the long run. I speak to his mum and dad regularly and it works for us.
When i was talking to B it swung between getting awful messages at 3am or him messaging to tell me he loved me/ missed me etc and it was too much of a headache so my therapist suggested trying no contact out to see how it went. There's occasions where I've seen him at his parents/ out in the village but we're all civil, I just tend to avoid him where possible.
Without going into too much detail, B has a long history of alcohol misuse and domestic violence. He has had 3 long term partners over the last 5 years who have all left due to one form of domestic abuse or another according to DS and friends that know the girls. (Its a small community, everyone knows everyone kind of place) DS has witnessed arguments between B and his partner/parents on a few occasions, and has called me to collect him from the exs house/Bs parents house a few times because of it. He didn't go there for a few weeks a year or two ago since he said he didn't feel safe there with all the arguing, but Bs parents are retired so since B moved back in with his parents he's toned the drinking down and has been single.
I realise it's crap on both sides for DS, and in hindsight I know that DP moved in too quickly. I left B in January 2019, was with DP unofficially by August 2019 (DS met him in April 2019) and he moved in around September 2020. It was originally supposed to be temporary due to a fire at his flats but then after 8 months of the council dragging their feet i said he might as well just stay long term since the end goal was to find a place together anyway. DS was involved in the decision, and he was really excited. I should have dragged it out longer but i can't change it now so im trying to do what I can to please everyone.
I said on my other reply that DS was being obedient and I should have used a different word because that wasn't what i was going for. (Im autistic and i struggle with words) Its more overall than he's listening to me more, he's been cheerier since coming home and instead of having to ask him 5 times to do things he's doing it after asking 3 times if that makes sense. I don't know how to describe him/ things/ properly without keeping it anonymous so I'm struggling a bit.
Usually he's an average kid, generally a bit snappy/sluggish but everyone says it's his age and looking back hes not much different to how i was/ my friends were. My friends with older children say their kids are more or less the same too so i don't think he acts not normal for his age or anything. But every 6 months or however long it's like he explodes and then acts nastily or says things that aren't him usually if that makes sense. He is very good at exaggerating things though, even with school things everyone gets different versions of it. I do try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and if it was isolated then i'd be acting on it without a second thought. But so far he's made an accusation towards my partner, towards his dad's (now ex) partner and has also said things about his dad that Bs parents have said aren't accurate/ have been exaggerated so i don't know where to go next. I truly don't think DP has said/ done anything untoward but since DS has said things about other people previously im trying to do things so both my DS and my DP are taken into consideration. I did tell my DS that the cameras were up for his benefit, since if DP is going to be a dick the cameras will be there to catch it. They have audio and video so even though they're not in the bedrooms the one in the hallway still picked up me talking loudly when I was testing them.
I'm waiting for school to get in touch because I asked them for help, but they still haven't got back to me about getting DS assessed by the SEND dept in September so I'm not overly hopeful.