No idea how to deal with this.

[Howtoappoach]

I was cleaning my 14 year old son’s bedroom. Under his chair I found a pair of my leggings with my pants inside that have been missing for a couple of weeks. I thought that was very strange because 1. How did they get there? 2. I always nag the DC when they don’t separate their underwear from their trousers when they put them in the laundry box so it’s not something I would ever do!

Anyway, I thought that maybe I took them off in a hurry and somehow they’d got mixed up with DS’s sportsgear and then ended up in his horribly messy bedroom. I didn’t think anymore of it until I then found two more pairs of my knickers and a sanitary towel hidden in a box under his bed. WTF.

I can understand that this can be normal for a 14 year old and all his hormones but it’s slightly freaking me out that it’s my underwear. Part of me thinks that this is because mine are the only ones he has access to or is this some weird fetish? Maybe he’s cross dressing which ok I can accept that but why the sanitary towel?! I haven’t worn those particular pants for years so he got them clean out of my drawer.

I really don’t know how to tackle this. I feel that the issue of him going in my room and taking things needs to be addressed. At this stage my inclination is to address the leggings which conceivably were an accident and ignore the knickers/sanitary towel. I don’t want to embarrass him but DH and I have been thrown completely off balance by this.

I would really appreciate some ideas of how to tackle this. DH is really unhappy (he’s freaking out about his son taking his mother’s underwear) and I worry he is going to be like a bull in a china shop. I think we need to handle this gently and carefully. DS has never been any trouble and we have a great relationship. We have very open communication with our DC (sometimes too open and they disclose things I would rather have been in the dark about!)

Has anyone’s DC done similar? Is this normal?! How do we approach this?

I think curiosity about the opposite sex is entirely normal and I imagine it's your underwear because that's what he has access to. My own experience is that my brother took some of my underwear when we were teenagers. Similarly my Mum found it in his bedroom. You do need to discuss it but I agree a gentle approach initially without any suggestion that he is a deviant. Just starting with the leggings is a good idea.

Sounds like he's experimenting with gender fluidity. He might ID as trans in the future. That's a real possibility. There isn't much you can do about it now because these ideas have already been triggered in his mind.

Are trans related issues something you discuss often at home? It could be curiosity provoked by your own strong feelings on the matter. Also, if adults around them feel strongly about gender roles and try to dictate that boys should be one way and girls another.

Trans issues are actually regularly discussed at home. DD’s best friend is trans and she facilitates an LGBTQ+ group at uni. She is very passionate about LGBTQ+ rights so it’s regularly discussed at the dinner table when DS is present.

I’d take a guess that there’s a distinct possibility (s)he’s a trans woman. (S)he’s taking your clothes to wear because they’re the only women’s clothes (s)he has access to. Tread very carefully if you don’t want to damage your relationship. I’d probably say nothing about it for now, keep the lines of communication open and be there for her/him as you would normally be as (s)he works through this. (S)he needs to be able to feel safe, supported and loved unconditionally if this is the case. It may well just be a phase… but equally it may not. Let her/him drive the timetable and any conversations. Be open minded, gender doesn’t determine who a person really is, and what we all want for our children is for them to be happy, healthy, honest decent humans regardless of gender.

You see this isnt something I'd have encouraged myself.

Talk to him op, it’s all just speculation until you talk to him

We haven’t encouraged it. DD has brought it up in conversation and the discussion has evolved naturally. Do you think we should shut down the conversations?! I don’t think discussing trans issues makes someone trans! 🤣

I would have to delegate to his dad to have a gentle discussion with him. Tell DH he has to be diplomatic and calm to get to the bottom of it otherwise DS may shut down the conversation and it’ll just fester.

I think it would be better coming from his dad than you, and he might be more inclined to open up a bit more. But either way, a conversation is required IMO.

This approach implies that being trans or gender questioning is a sexual fetish. Children who want to experiment with their gendered presentation don't need to do so exclusively through their mother's underwear and sanitary towels fgs.
You need to sit your son down and tell him that what he's doing is unacceptable.
Find out what he is accessing online and who he is interacting with, the fact he's leaving your stolen underwear and towels where you can find them suggests he wants to be caught.

I think reinforcing to a developing child that confusing feelings about their gender can be alleviated by identifying as the opposite sex can be a lot more influential than we give credit for.

I wouldn't say anything at all. When he notices the items are no longer where he put them he'll realise that you know and be horribly embarrassed anyway, so no need to talk to him about it and make him embarrassed in front of you.

I have taken my leggings and pants that were inside them but have put the knickers and sanitary towel (still can’t work out the sanitary towel!) back where I found them. I’m so conflicted over what to do. DS is away and gets home tomorrow morning.

Would it make it easier if you messaged your son first saying something like I need to discuss something of mine I found in your room. Then the initial awkwardness of it all is made a bit easier for both of you.

I'd be checking what he's looking at online.

What about a girl/girlfriend? I can imagine lots if scenarios of borrowing sanpro/pants/leggings for her

Just be direct and without judgement and don't make it a long drawn out thing.
"hey love, I was tidying your room yesterday and found some of my clothes and sanitary products in there. I'm here if you want to talk to me about anything, but please don't take things from my bedroom again. What do you fancy for tea tonight? I'm off to adsa now"

I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I really like the sound of this. It will make sure he knows you know, and instils the boundary, but without making it feel like the door slams shut on communication.

I like this approach too. Good luck OP.

You just say nothing surely?

like any parent who finds unpleasant reminders of puberty and sexual awakening in their children’s bedrooms?

This thread makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, in particular because people have been so quick to jump to ‘it’s because xyz’.

There is no indication this is about trans identities and experimentation. That seems a massive elision/ reach to me. Why would you presume that, when trans identities are pretty rare, statistically?

Hes probably just curious and doing weird teenage stuff: it happens.