What can you reasonably expect from (mentally unwell) teenagers?

[Tulipjulip]

My 15 year old daughter has had very poor mental health characterised by anxiety and depression. It's been worse since Christmas and she's been self-injurious. She's under the care of CAMHS and has been supported by school. She has some lovely friends, and does a lot of extra curricular activities. We (she too) suspect underlying ASD.

Her unhappiness manifests as extreme hostility towards me and her siblings/DP, and an apparent inability to do anything other than the sports and socialising that she enjoys. She speaks to me rarely - despite telling her CAMHS counsellor that being withdrawn and hostile is a sign she is feeling bad - and contributes literally nothing to the house - despite going on long walks she never takes the dogs, gets the washing in, puts a plate in the dishwasher, etc.

After another evening of speaking through a closed door while being shouted at for making it all about me, I am left wondering whether I just need to let her have her way under the assumption that once she feels better she'll be nicer to live with, or whether to insist on basic rules of civility..? Or something else...?!

Having mh difficulties does NOT give you a pass to be abusive and aggressive which it sounds like she is.
Why is she more important/loved/cared for than her siblings that she's supported in being hostile to them?

reasonable boundaries and expectations are important and ok, she may be in burn out so picking small steps where she feels able to contribute in collaboration with you could be a first step.

Tricky, i would concentrate on the unkindness to siblings first. That has to stop. I would say to her kindly “i cant let you treat your sibling like that”, just be calm, polite and insistent, and if necessary give consequences.

She is a brat. Why does poor mental health give her the excuse and permission to behave like this. I don't know what the answer is though. Consider stopping facilitating her social activities until her behaviour improves.

Agree, why is it that we've now reached a stage where not only are abusive partners/husbands/wives etc being given the 'ah but mental health poor abuser!!' pass, we've now got parents allowing abuse of their children by a sibling in order to not upset the abuser!

The thing that posters saying ‘she’s a brat / illness doesn’t excuse behaviour’ etc are not acknowledging is that mental illness can make a person behave in all sorts of hideous ways.

Behaviour management isn’t the way to go here.

I strongly recommend the ‘partnering not parenting’ approach in Suzanne Alderson’s book ‘Never Let Go’. And also educating yourself in some DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) techniques you can start using yourself (and model to your teen) to manage improving communication.