My DD’s father (my ex) keeps asking her if she is on her period

[HanyBee]

Hey guys, I have a question. My ex and I get on fine, we separated when DD was few months old as it wasn’t working. We remained good friends but I always felt he is very fixated on our DD.
DD is few months short of being a teenager and is obviously going through puberty. She told me today he asks her all the time if she is on her period and that she finds it weird for her dad to ask. She said when she told him last time she is he turned around and said it’s not possible for her to have period twice in one month.
I’m sorry but I found this fecking weird for him to be asking or saying to her.
As she felt comfortable talking to me she also said her dad said this ‘don’t take this the wrong way but your boobs have really grown’.
At this point I’m like, wtf, I’m back to this again where I have to explain to grown ass man how to not fecking speak to a child even if it’s his daughter.
He grew up around women with no dad and stuff he sometimes comes out with just absolutely blows my mind, to the point when I actually wonder if he might have been sexually abused as a child because he doesn’t seem to understand the concept of boundaries between parents and children ?!
Any opinions on this ?
And don’t worry I’m 100% sure he is not abusing her.

I wouldn't like it if it was happening to my daughter. How does this make her feel, i would talk to him about the way he speaks to her, as it doesn't sound appropriate. Be led by her and put her first. If its making her uncomfortable then stop or limit access.

That's awful, so inappropriate. You need to explain to him that he can never comment on her body again. 100% never again. It's disturbing. He shouldn't be looking at her like that, poor girl. I wouldn't want her visiting him alone again until you've had a good talk with him and he shows he understands this. She also needs to understand it isn't right and to tell you next time he does it. Then you confront him every single time.

Youre sure he hasn’t been abusing her as a child but he seems to have a sexual interest in her now, so eager to talk about her breasts and her periods when there is no reason to. Fine if she asks for a lift to buy pads or something, but she should raise it not him. Be careful.

How weird. I can’t ever recall my dad asking me - because he wasn’t a creepy horror

Trust your gut here, from what you’ve said, I would have alarm bells going off in my brain, and would need to have several conversations with your daughter about her feelings about boundaries, personal space and privacy around her father. I’d also be confronting him about how weird and creepy it is!

Be careful, he sounds obsessed. I’d be thinking of telling your DD she doesnt have to go to her dads if he carries on like that. Pervy.

I really appreciate all of your comments and advice. It isn’t the first time I’m finding myself in a situation like this with him if I’m honest and I’m super grateful my DD feels comfortable to tell me about it. She is not comfortable about this behaviour and finds it weird as I do. I did spoke to her further this evening to see if there is anything else she wants to tell me or feels uncomfortable about. Nothing else came to light so I will arrange meeting with him and make it clear this behaviour is creepy and completely inappropriate.

This sounds very, very wrong and you need to make that clear to your DD, so she can assert herself when he says things like this, and can safely steer his behaviour away from these comments. Your poor DD!

This is very off...if any of my male relatives just talked to be about my body/periods out of the blue (or even at all to be honest) I would feel verrrryyyyyyyy weird. It's not even that he talks to her about the birds and the bees or puberty and changes, he's talking directly about HER body. The monitoring of her cycles is already weird but the boobs comment was way too weird. There already is a power imbalance here especially as he's the adult and she's just a teenager. Thank goodness your DD was able to tell you about this and you validate her.

If he raises her going on the pill, she needs to tell you straight away.

I would tell him - DD will no longer be visiting . When he asks why I would say your comments, observation and questions to her about her changing body are highly inappropriate, somewhat sinister and make her and me f eel uncomfortable and she needs to know I will protect t her from this. As an adult, I shouldn't have to even tell you this and I am concerned raising this will mean you put pressure on her not to tell me so there will be no more visits.

I cannot think of any harmless explanation for his behaviour.

That's so disgusting. Does she want to spend time with him? She's old enough to have her wishes listened to if there is a CAO in place.

Your ex has an unhealthy interest in your DD - don't allow her to be in that situation.

No way would I be sending my daughter off to stay with any adult man who commented on her boob size let alone developed a strong interest in her periods.

Does she want to see him? I’d give her the option of seeing him less

My brother sent me off to ask my mum if I can get pregnant before starting my periods.....
Then raped me at SEVEN.
She never even questioned why I asked....
She didn't think I was being abused either.....
It's weird OP her dad shouldn't be asking her these questions

@HanyBee

This sounds so difficult. The one positive thing is that your DD feels able to talk to you - that is really good and I hope that never changes.

The one suggestion I can make is that maybe he is super ignorant / nervous about periods ie not knowing when she will need san pro stuff or not knowing how menstruation works. I am only saying this because the amount of BASIC education i have had to “teach” my ex husband about my DDs periods / cycles / needs absolutely blew my mind. He literally did not understand puberty at all. And this is a well educated man. I just wonder if it might be that?

That said the boob comment is an absolute hard no - unacceptable.

He is definitely being intrusive and weird and inappropriate so please have the chat.

As others have said, if he doesn’t stop and become more respectful and mindful then you are well within your rights to look
at reducing contact.

Men!

@HanyBee Consider everything that @treesandsun wrote above. Your dd needs to be shielded from this behaviour.

My dad noticed I was flushing tampons wrappers that weren’t disappearing properly ( just the pre-use wrapper). He asked my mum to tell me to put them in the bin.

I only know that because I quibbled with her about whether they were flushing successfully or not . It wasn’t a big deal but my point is he felt it was a bit off to raise it directly so I don’t think you are the only one who thinks maybe dads should just butt out of period discussion unless invited.

Equip your daughter to put him in his place with her answers to strange questions.

Stop asking private questions, Dad.
It's none of your business, Dad.
I have a mother, Dad. I will talk to her about female things.
I don't like you talkng about how I look. Please stop.
I'm not comfortable talking about that with you, Dad.

If he continues with the inappropriate attention and discussion and prying into personal areas - be prepared to have a meet up and frank discussion on the issue.
Also be prepared to keep her from visiting him if your daughter requests not to gothere due to him making her feel uncomfortable. Keep records.

I’d log this with an e-mail to police and social services (ok, no crime has been committed to your knowledge yet, but get it on record) and then ask DD if she is still comfortable to see her dad and if there is anything she needs to tell you as you are her mum and need to protect her. Tell her she can tell you anything.
I wouldnt t even meet with creepy ex. Just phone him and tell him it’s creepy, he’s making her uncomfortable, that you are on to him and will be monitoring and watching like a hawk. Do not keep this quiet. That’s what he is banking on.
Be prepared to stop her seeing him.