24/7 war zone tell me I'm not alone

[HollyIvy89]

DD is 16.5. Each and every Single interaction results in her shouting at me. And more often than not name calling.

I have said before I think there may be neuro or mental issues with her as this has been for 4 long years now. We have had camhs involvment am but she wasn’t keen. I have done a parenting teens course also on their advice but still it’s so lonely and miserable every single day knowing that anything I have to say to her results in argument.

and I mean everything. Anything will end with her screaming. If she is engaged in a convo with me I can get it wrong and ask too much or she suddenly realises she hates me and begins.

She has been telling me all week she can’t stand me.

the only break I get is when she goes to her weekend job as she’s left school now awaiting college.

it will be a long summer I’m sure.

how do others deal with this as I am struggling right now.

her father seems to be god as he’s reached out after a year off and now she thinks he’s excellent. I have suggested she could live with him but her life is here and he and partner can’t have her really due to previous issues. But still why bite the hand that feeds you ?! I feel like such a mug for this.

can't take the phone away as he pays.

Stop interacting with her unless you absolutely have to.

she’s indicating she doesn’t like you - fine.

get out of the house (much much easier to do in summer). Start some activities.

if you do stuff for her - laundry, cleaning, then stop. Don’t clean or tidy her bedroom - put in a text to her that now she’s growing up it’s time she took responsibility for cleaning her room and for her own laundry.

then ignore her room.

it’s easy to say but hard to do (I know from experience!)

Teenagers can be arseholes. You have to pick your battles.
model to her how you want to be spoken do and have a script that you use consistently when she’s rude to you ‘I want to listen to what you have to say but I won’t until you speak to me respectfully’. Shut it down and walk away and repeat repeat.

watch out of glimmers of positive behaviour ir accomplishments, no matter how small- thanks for putting your plates in the dishwasher’ etc etc.
you almost have to interact with them like they’re a toddler at times.

You are her safe space. Which means you get the shitty behaviour unfortunately. Her dad will be god because she’s scared if she treats him the way she treats you he will bugger off. As pp said, treat her like a toddler - reward any glimmers of positive and keep doubling down on “you need to be respectful, I will talk to you when you can he polite to me”.

Nothing to add as you’ve been given great advice already, but I wanted to let you know I feel for you! It sounds miserable.

Thanks all I defo will try the I’m not going to speak to you whilst you’re shouting and walk away some more

How well do you get on with her dad? Could you have a conversation with him and try and get him on board with how you both react/have him back you up when she's awful to you?

But as others have said, they don't like being ignored, so def do the "I'll talk to you when you can be calm and civil to me" and hopefully after time (especially if she wants something from you!) she'll learn that her actions have consequences.

Wow, this is incredibly difficult and you're definitely not alone, I really feel for you, hearing that your child can't stand you is always such an awful thing to hear.

From my experience, it probably is related to mental health, and it's better to get help now and deal with this with a therapist.

I'm not sure if you have it already, but there's this health&wellbeing app for teen girls called luna (https://weareluna.app/?utm_campaign=mumsnet_share&utm_id=_1) that I'd recommend for situations like this because it's got so much advice on mental health and taking control of your health, but it's done by doctors so it's trustworthy and actually helpful. And it can be her own private thing. It helped my daughter a lot because it's still relatable and not embarrassing. Hope this helps