Advice re partners kids. Losing my mind.

[BostonFloorSanders]

Hi! Thanks in advance for thoughts. I'm living with my partner ( been about 9 months). His kids were part time, now full time ( his ex had a change in circumstances) . They are 21 and 17. I don't have kids but am used to teens through my friends and their ups and downs, development and boundary pushing.
Son 17 is surly, never says thanks, barely talks, never makes dinner, never washes up, never touches the dishwasher never cleans up after himself and is very VERY superior about everything when he does talk. I've seen that his mum, and my partner do everything for him. He leaves his dirty plates and pans around, they get moved, washed and put away. His laundry is magically returned to him. He gets fed.
Despite being on a decent apprentice wage and able to buy himself a motorbike and gear he contributes nothing and is rude if there is 'nothing to eat'. My partner went grocery shopping for them both and he went and sat in the car at check out time and avoided helping his dad. His dad,my partner, never says anything... and let's him be like this.

21 year old is as bad re chores and cleaning up but is a lovely person which I'll be honest is easier to take.

I get so angry and ashamedly admit i really dislike him (17) , he's lazy, selfish, so superior he's awful to be near, entitled and so rude and totally enabled by his parents. I make efforts to not show this at all and know i have to respect my partners chosen parenting style and that I'm the addition to the space ( they've been split 8 years) .

I think the best is that i leave, not my partner, but the shared living.
Can anyone help demystify why i am so angry about him and can't bear being near him? My partner tidied up after him again last night and i just lost it and had to hide in the bathroom. I can't understand why my partner thinks it's OK, he's basically raised adults who can't and won't do basic adult community living tasks. I fear for their future partners.
Thoughts or advice gladly taken!!!

YANBU. Get the hell out of there. You will be so much happier!

Leave or don’t lift a finger to do anything related to them. Also, don’t cover any of their expenses. They’re technically adults, so if the four of you are living together, pay a quarter of all expenses. Don’t subsidise the ridiculous lifestyle their parents are enabling.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be honest, regardless of what the change in circumstances were that caused them to come to you full time, your partner should have a basic sense of parental responsibility to make sure that he's actually parenting his child to be a functioning member of the household - challenging with teens, but the fact that from your perspective he isn't doing that... he's failing his child and you!

You are mad at him because he isn't a df.. He is staff... And is happy or be treated as such by his dc...
Time to leave them to it. See him without the dc... Which tbh aren't dc but should be at least half way to being fully functioning adults...

Honestly I would move out. It sounds like your dp and his ex are not going to treat them as adult. You are going to get more and more frustrated and it will impact on your relationship going forward.

You are angry and repulsed because he is repulsive. If you were his mother all that would be cushioned by your love for him. It’s amazing how parents (myself included) think their kids are just so wonderful and to anyone else they’re just an ordinary, probably rather annoying person.

It would be much easier for you, as you’ve found with the eldest, if he had a nicer personality. Parents usually love even children with difficult personalities but you’re not his parent. You’re also faced with the reality that some of his personality defects are likely the result of your DP’s non-parenting which is also extremely off-putting. It makes you respect your DP less too.

It is best that you leave, your partners children shouldn’t have to live with someone who doesn’t like them.

It’s your partner that is at fault here, not their children who are product of their parenting.

You are cross because your partner seems to prioritise the 17 year old rather than you.

And the things that he does for him are unreasonable.

Move out & continue the relationship without living together.
Parents have a lot more tolerance for their kids (and looks like have enabled this behaviour)
Son may improve as he matures!

Interesting that the mum's change of circumstances coincided with your partner moving you in. I wonder if you're feeling taken advantage of in some way. It sounds like your partner is not expecting you to cook and clean up after his teens, but are you financially subsidising them? I'd feel pretty put out if I was paying for a pair of sulky males to make my living environment disgusting, while ignoring me into the bargain.

Yes pretty much. He's 17 not 3.

You’re repulsed because you thought your partner was a good guy and now you’ve realised he’s just another ineffectual man, being an ineffectual parent, raising lazy, entitled children in a world which already has more than enough lazy and entitled people, because your DP is too lazy to be a proper parent.

It must give you the ick so bad.

Hi OP,

Sounds awful. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? Maybe pointing these things out might make him realise that his ‘baby boy’ is not a baby anymore and needs to grow up and help.

I kind of understand, my kids are spoiled rotten. I treat them like my babies, when they are getting big. I feel like I need a good kick up the backside too! Thanks.