No friends

[Giraffe007]

My DS is in Year 11. He's never bought any friends home, never held or attended a birthday party.
He was badly let down by his BF from primary school who ghosted him and told everyone he didn't like him the beginning of Year 7. They had been inseparable since nursery. He just turned on him. This damaged his self esteem and self confidence. He then made a new friend who turned out to be a nasty bully. Dealt with quickly and stopped by the school. Both of these experiences have put him off making friends, he doesn't trust or open up to people. He's very sporty and funny and kind and should be popular.
Belongs to the local football club and some of the players are at this school.The play football together at break
His school report says he has friends at school. these are the break time footballers, but he never mentions them to me by name, never sees them outside of school and now no longer plays with them online.
About two months ago, I noticed he stopped playing with friends on the Xbox. We thought it was because he was playing online less as working on GCSEs.
He comes home, plays on the Xbox and stays mostly in his room. We do eat dinner together every evening.
He is working hard revising for this GCSEs and has a college place offer, but I'm worried about his mental health. Am I right to be worried?
Should I reach out to his school? Is this all normal?
Year 11 break up for study leave on Friday, but school will remain open to him to revise there if he wants. He won't attend the Prom and wants to give the celebration assembly a miss too. I'm feeling sad that I've not noticed him becoming more withdrawn. He's also bad tempered, rude and moody, but I thought that was all teenagers. I can't remember the last time I heard him laugh. He's excited about his college course in September but it is going to be a long, lonely summer holiday. I think a summer job would be a good idea. What should I do? How can I help and support him? I'm hoping he will find his group of friends at college.

If he's sporty and gets on well with footballers what about joining a cricket club? Team games are good for integrating him with peers of his own age. Cricket games often go on for 7 hours so playing together from 12.30 until 7pm the players get close and often have a pizza together in the clubhouse after the match. What about basketball, would he enjoy that? I would encourage team games. At college he'll also have a fresh start. There will be new people he can make friends with.

Dd1 similar age is sociable but got a job in a restaurant and made a lovely new group of friends through that. They went out after their shifts in a gang someone like your son would just get swept along with the group. Worth a try.

Last day of school before study leave, DS has flatly refused to go in to school for the celebration assembly. Yesterday was shirt signing day and he told me he just stood and watched everyone else. I've been in tears most of the day; this wasn't how I imagined his last day of school would be for him. I was bullied and isolated at secondary school myself, ended up school refusing at 15 and going to a Pupil Referral Unit for truancy, so lots of bad memories have surfaced.

Hi op my son is similar he was let down by a few friends at primary who turned on him and hasn't bothered since. I think my son's best friends at school are the humanities teachers and a supply teacher who speaks to him at lunchtime. But he doesn't seem to mind, he knows he has different interests to the other children and doesn't want to mask who he is to fit in with the children there if that makes sense? It does put extra pressure on me and his dad (particularly me) to give him social contact outside of school because he doesn't have friends to play with outside of school. Sometimes it makes me sad, I'm sure sometimes it makes him sad but I am just hope in the future when he is in the world of work / uni he will find his tribe. If not then I am always here for him :)

Hi Op, maybe in his head he has moved on and just can't be bothered with it all, wants to get his head down and then get out of there. I'm sure there's lots of insincere "love you, BFF forever" around at the moment.

At that age, all my friends were outside school. I hope he is OK, and in the head space of being open to new opportunities rather than being lonely.

Hi OP, here in a bit of solidarity

My lovely DS is similar. He does have a few mates, the same ones he’s had since he was tiny, but they very very rarely go out and recently have stopped playing online. It breaks my heart a bit, weekends and holidays are lonely as he’s also in effect an only child as his big brother is away at Uni, so he just has me and DH for company.

We’re putting a lot of hope on him getting a job after his exams and moving on to college in September, but I fear it’ll be more of the same. He’s such a lovely boy and I imagine a great friend but struggles to put himself out there

Ds had a very similar experience in year 11, was very isolated but seemed to get on with it. His summer job really made a difference and he still has friends he sees that he made there. Moving schools for A level was a massive turning point, ds found a small group of new friends and although still not hugely social does see people out of school and chats about them. He does have a sport he loves which also helped. I would hold on as a change in September may make a huge difference. Support him as much as you can.

My friend's daughter had a bad time in the last year of school - all her 'friends' turned on her. Then she went to college, made some new friends, including a lovely boy who she's been dating for about a year now.

I think you're right, find him a job over the summer, and then college will be a completely fresh start.

Ds1 left year 11 with barely any friends, took a a couple of terms but when he left college he had loads. Did take some effort on his part. It is heartbreaking to watch them. Just encourage him to try loads of different things. A summer job is a brilliant idea.

DS was similar
changing schools for 6th form helped a lot
He has now met his tribe at uni and has a GF.
I feel like it wasn’t him it was just that he wasn’t surrounded by other DC similar to him and now he is.
its been easier at uni because he is on a campus in halls so you’re constantly bumping into people you meet on your course and societies.

my DS wasn’t sporty so didn’t make friends or acquaintances through football like many others to hang out with.

secondary school can be brutal actually. It’s like a domino effect if something goes wrong

I had to take DD out of school in yr 11 because it all turned to shit due to someone telling lies about her. This issue was revealed a year or so later and apologies made by those who believed it. The perp admitted finally.

the move had a positive impact thank god.