Dealing with school refusal?

[2cubesoficeandasliceoflime]

My daughter is 14.5. She used to love school and in theory should be thriving. However, she doesn't and isn't.

There are no specific issues or bullying. It's more that it's a very big school, is very rigid and shes really regreting her choices. Plus she's struggling with friends there (she does extracurricular activities). School are aware and are trying to help but she's not being very receptive to them.

We've managed to get her into a different school in September. It's not possible to move earlier. But now she's moving, it seems to have highlighted everything that's wrong for her.

She's really, really struggling right now and we've already had hints of school refusal. Today she started talking about truanting.

One day a week her timetable is full of subjects she won't be doing in the new school so she's already "decided" it's pointless her going. Obviously it isn't and even if we thought it was, she would still be going.

She has always loved school so we've never had this before. Any tips for nipping it in the bud before it starts?

I don't want to go down the punishment route unless I have to. Punishment with her rarely gets the result we need.

It's only 14ish weeks... it's only 14 weeks... it's only 14 weeks... then hopefully our lovely daughter will come back.

i'd switch to an online program, certainly would not be in any way shape or form forcing her to attend.

Remind her that if she goes down the truancy route it will cost you a lot of money in fines and you could then be imprisoned.

I have been through all of this. I really struggled to get the school to pay any sort of attention in the early stages as my daughter was very quiet and well behaved when in school so they weren't bothered about her. If anyone asked her what was wrong she couldn't explain. I had to be quite a squeaky wheel to get anything done. My DD was also at a very strict school and I believe this contributed towards her difficulties.

As she is leaving soon, I would start with speaking to the head of year about pastoral support and also seeing what mental health support there is in school. All schools should have access to a Mental Health Support Team. Each school should also have an attendance policy which outlines support for those with difficulty attending. At the very least she should have access to a pastoral space.

Keep an eye out for any difficulties at the new school so you can intervene early.

Please ignore the description of 'truancy' and mention of prison.

Schools are now very very used to emotionally based school avoidance (Which is what this is - it's not truancy)

Often these children are 'fine in school' - my own daughter was 'fine' until she literally cracked and was so overwhelmed she began violently refusing to go in - as anyone knows, you cannot 'force' a child who is not of a size to be carried into school

Start emailing everyoone you can think of at school - ask for a meeting with their head of pastoral care/ wellbeing and her tutor..

Ask them what THEY suggest to help her feel safer and less overwhelmed at school

Tell them you are desperate for your child to continue attending school and THEY need to support you in putting things in place for her - quiet spaces to go to/ time out of class?

This will not be a new situation to them they will be dealing with it from other children - you need to shout the loudest so that your child gets some support.

Would you consider just removing her for this term?

I’d work out a way for her to drop those subjects and stay home that one day a week to do extra independent work on the subjects she is keeping. It is kind of pointless, she’s not wrong. It would give her the time to destress and decompress so the new school in September isn’t overwhelming if it isn’t great.

If you are at home and could take her out and home educate her I would. It's legal to home educate and I doubt anyone would question what you were actually doing in your home ed between now and the start of summer hols, then Sept will come and she will start her new school.

If you aren't at home, can't home educate then she needs to be in school. It's annoying, but she's lucky to have the option to change to a new school after the summer. If she's not being actively bullied or anything, she just gets on with it for a few weeks because we all have to do things we don't like sometimes.