Teenage boy behaviour changed because of girlfriend

[IcelollyandSprinkles]

Typical teenage boy (a few weeks short of 14) likes football, the gym, has lots of friends and excels at school.

He's recently got a girlfriend, same school year, nice enough girl but his behaviour has been appalling this last month or so.

Constantly on video calls to the girl, even during family holiday, staying up late at night talking to her and same again in the mornings, meaning he isn't making breakfast/lunch properly or cleaning up after himself before leaving for school. He's had a pretty rubbish attitude to anything that isn't this girl.

The last straw was this week when he was specifically told to come home after school 1 particular night and he completely ignored the instruction and stayed out till 9pm with this girl. He was grounded and has had his computers taken away following this, then Thursday I received a call from school to say he's hit another pupil and will be isolated at another school next week....again because of the girlfriend.

He's had his phone taken off him because of continued unacceptable behaviour, so he's tried to steal it back from my bedroom twice and last night used his younger brother's phone to contact the girl.

Today he's asked to go out (he's grounded till next week) and I said no. When I went to pick my elder teenager up from work he's gone out anyway.

At my wits end with the boy, all the conversations go in one ear and out the other and obviously grounding doesn't mean anything to him either!

Also just to add, he thinks the punishments are too much and doesn't grasp that internet access and electronic devices are privileged items, not rights.

Any advice (bar locking him up) welcome.

god sympathies Op I have a boy this age and it's an absolute rollercoaster

I would be wary myself of removing the phone - that might sound counter intuitive but it's just such an incredibly huge part of their life/ identity/ socialising - is there a more 'connected' alternative

Im going to sound like a hippy liberal here and really I'm not - I know teens need boundaries - but I like the phrase 'connection before correction'

He has been bitten by the love bug - could you sit with him and say he can have some privileges back but he needs to agree to some basic rules around time and communication and ask him how he is feeling about it all?

such huge emoitions for a teen in a situation like this

(and btw I have zero f-ing idea what to do with my own 13 yr old when he goes missing in similar situations ie. will jsut not come home if we punish him in anyway)

Thanks for this, I do think similar about the phone and would have had a conversation about it being returned to him tomorrow if he hadn't have disappeared when I went out.

Now I'm torn between extending the punishment for him going out when grounded or giving him his phone back to prevent the same action again!

Hope you're having an easier ride than I am right now @waterrat

I get caught in the exact same dilemmas, never sure when its best to back down to try and restore some calm to the situation -...

My son is 14 and he was exactly the same. He went from being a king caring lovely boy into someone who didn't want to go to school. Wouldn't listen to me. Was horrible to everyone in the house. Slept all day until it was time to go to his girlfriends. Stopped wanting to go to football. I then found out that this girl smokes weed and I think he must of been doing it aswell. He eventually finished with her after 8 month

I think you over reacted. It's his first girlfriend, of course he'll be a bit distracted and want to spend time with them/ thinking about them. That shouldn't result in taking their phone away. The only real problem is tthe hitting incident, why is the gf getting the blame for that btw?

At that age when they get a girlfriend they all think they are Romeo and Juliet. He’s in love and he doesn’t care if his parents forbid it because it’s an eternal love and his parents don’t understand.

apart from the hitting (which is obviously a problem) honestly you are best off rolling with it.

you can’t punish a 14 year old out of first love and he’ll always choose to spend time with her over you.

give it a couple of months and he’ll be over her and the next one won’t be so intense.

This, she can't be blamed for hitting but separate to this is he acting put because you are treating him like he is 4 not 14 rather than her?

You punishments are not working yet you keep on doing them

When my hormones kicked in at about that age I went from a straight A student to a total nightmare at school and outside. It was probably the most tumultuous time of my life and there was nothing anyone could do to change my behaviour.

Everything was intense, not just my first love but most of the others too and the despair when I was dumped just as intense.

I don't think enough is made of the impact of hormonal changes in boys from an emotional point of view. He won't even have a clue why he's feeling and behaving how he is.

He will come out the other side, hopefully a lot sooner than I did and before he causes too much damage.

Just to add the hitting incident was because the other boy (allegedly) called my DS' GF some names and was looking at her. School have deemed it serious enough for him to be isolated at another school next week.

I don't want to stop him seeing GF, she seems nice, but he has to understand there are rules.

We talked when he came back last night and he knows he shouldn't have gone out, fully admitted it was him and not GF egging him on to go out.

We've spoken again about good eating and sleeping habits and how his poor decisions last week probably made things worse (home and school).

I didn't think 1 week of grounding was an overreaction, he had his phone taken off him as a further sanction as he was already in trouble...was I to just ignore his unacceptable behaviour? Also, school have dished out the same sanctions, he's being isolated (grounded) and also has to hand his phone in at the start of the day!

I think you are doing a good job as a responsible parent in addressing this behavioural change early. If he has hit someone and it is serious enough to be isolated from his school for a week then that is what you need to do before he does something with even more serious consequences.

Just keep the communication open so he doesn’t shut down. Keep listening and explaining that there are consequences in life to what we do. Be there for him even when he is being awful. It will eventually pass and then he will be grateful that you were calm & present during the storm and you are a strong parent that he can rely on. He is still very young and there may be more crises to come where he needs you!