I need to rage! 13 DD, ND, SH

[CuriousRunner]

I need to rage and rant! I have a 13 year old daughter. Possible autism. Self harming. Likely coping with horrible hormone swings which probably include low mood and anxiety. We’ve found a counsellor. School are in the loop.

but
But
BUT
B-U-T
B-U-T

She has raged that I haven’t stepped in to help when she’s struggled at school. How the feck am I supposed to help if she will tell me NOTHING. NOTHING! No matter how I coach it, no matter if I try talking while driving, messages, fecking carrier pigeon. NOTHING.

The counsellor is allowed to tell me NOTHING.

She’s under the “care” of school pastoral. Who tell me NOTHING. Pastoral share an office with SEND but DONT SPEAK TO ONE ANOTHER. So SEND don’t know that autism is on the cards.

DD seems to be getting her mood and political views from fecking Billy Eilish.

It’s like living with a rock. A moody and rude rock!

There is NOTHING I can say to illicit conversation.

I don’t know what mood is normal teen or neurodivergent. The temptation to yell “put your washing away. And don’t go and cut yourself just because I’ve told you to do something” is nearly overwhelming!

I’M MAD. At whom or what I’ve got no fecking idea!

I can see into the future where she’s paying a therapist herself and still raging at her TERRIBLE mother who didn’t help and was standoffish.

FUCK!! I hate teen parenting. I want to quit!!!

And breathe……

Have you thought about getting some practical support for yourself? I saw a counsellor twice when my eldest went into destruction mode, she gave invaluable advice about how and when to speak to her so as to get the best response. Not ND though, so I can’t help you there.
But importantly do look after you.

I have a 14 year old nd who self harms at school only and won't speak to anyone other then me 😑 so after she's smashed her own head in or bit herself raw. She's on the pill because her pet was so bad she didn't want to live. They made a massive difference. Your daughter is likey lashing out at you because you are her safe space. I'm sorry it's ironic and frustrating but the truth.

It's bloody hard, isn't it.

You're doing the best you can in a shitty situation. And the only thing to do when you're swimming in shit is to keep your head up, and keep swimming.

@littlemissprossecoI DO have a counsellor of my own. It’s a long standing relationship and a helpful one. But I find myself wanting to talk to the therapist who knows DD. Even if she can’t tell me anything. I want to rant at her because she (should) understand DDs position in the rant. But that’s not possible ….

I’d agree with trying to look after yourself too - I run it clears my head and unpacks my arrhhhh feelings. My dd same age is ND & we were forced into HomeEd in year8. I find being blunt, honest but kind works. I ask for respect and will walk away if she’s shouting or being disrespectful. But I do try to reconnect when she’s calmed down or fizzled out. I do ask about her special interests even if they don’t interest me ill still ask questions to show willing about roblox games…I do talk about the self harm in a practical way and we chat about how hard it is to redirect her skin picking. Medication for ocd has helped
but sympathy it’s very hard work. My 18dd has been much easier so far.

I run too @SpringIntoApril 😍 But I also drink wine! 🤣(It’s probably the self harm of my generation 🙄) She won’t talk to me about the self harm. Ever. I’ve never seen it. Don’t know where it is. If I find a bloody tissue she denies it and says it’s old.

I completely understand how frustrating that must be. It’s tough when they won’t open up, especially about something so serious. Maybe trying to create a safe space without pressure could help? Sometimes, just letting them know you’re there and that it’s okay to talk might encourage them to share when they’re ready. And hey, running and a bit of wine can help keep your sanity intact! Just remember to take care of yourself, too.

Lots of sports? Teen years are hard too.

I agree re not being able to converse or have feedback with yhe counsellor. We had this with DD1. It's hopeless.

Whereas with DD2 we do get some feedback and it feels so much more productive.

I understand why things are confidential, so they are free to talk, but it is hard to help when you are out of the loop.

(And it is hard to see how counselling can help when they only get one possibly warped view of everything).