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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old having sex :-(

8 replies

lifesrichpageant · 19/04/2025 05:10

I found a condom wrapper in DS's room. His girlfriend had been over, they had been in his room with the door ajar (!!) but still managed to do it. I took a few days to cool down then had a conversation with him about consent, safety, and also made the point that I wish he had waited. That I loved him no matter what but that I thought he was too young. Checked in that he cares for her and understands his responsibilities not just physically but emotionally. He sat and looked me in the eye and although was mortified, he didn't run away either, and said all of the "right" things. We then had a nice day together.

I can't shake the feeling of sadness though. Any one else going through this?

OP posts:
CountryTunes · 19/04/2025 05:29

Sorry OP, there is another thread on here where a 14 year old DD sneaked her bf into her room while her parents were home. The mom was mortified.

Rocknrollstar · 19/04/2025 06:55

The issue of possible pregnancy needs to be stressed as well as the fact that what they are doing is illegal. My DS was 16 and I put to him three scenarios:
How would he feel if she got pregnant and aborted his baby?
How would he feel if she got pregnant and he had to support her and the baby?
How would he feel if she got pregnant and didn’t want him in the baby’s life?

I also stressed how having a baby would impact much more on her life and future than his in terms of going to uni.

It didn’t stop them having sex but it made him think about the consequences and none of his girlfriends ever got pregnant.

You can’t stop them having sex and I always took the attitude that I would sooner they did it in safety in my house rather than in the park, a car or a doorway (as my pupils did)

ThejoyofNC · 19/04/2025 07:03

You allowed two teenagers to be alone in a bedroom and you're shocked about this?

juststrutting · 19/04/2025 07:06

ThejoyofNC · 19/04/2025 07:03

You allowed two teenagers to be alone in a bedroom and you're shocked about this?

How is this helpful? 🙄

juststrutting · 19/04/2025 07:11

Yes the physical side of things needs to be discussed, but I would also discuss the law, why it is in place and, like you did, the emotional side of things.

Do her parents know? I wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret as such and I would encourage both of them to consider that she must talk to them about it.

Girls do carry all of the consequences of sex. My bro got one of his early girlfriends pregnant and her parents were really awful to him, holding him fully responsible and excluding him from any decision. I remember him being absolutely heartbroken by the entire thing.

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2025 07:17

@Rocknrollstar nails it. I always stressed with mine that if you have sex, no matter what you do, there is a chance of pregnancy. And, while I know many people may disagree with this, I stressed that this is very likely to ruin whatever possibility you could have had at a good life of your own choosing. Also that DH/I would have nothing to do with a baby in terms of supporting parents having kids before the ideal time and that it should be planned (established career, secure housing, ability to afford child without welfare etc). Our kids know we were, and still are with the younger ones at uni, deadly serious. That a possible child was a million times more important than STI’s or anything like that. That seemed to put the brakes on all of them in this regard, especially the boys when you stress they will have no choice in any of it should a baby occur😁.

When older again, our next life lesson for them was ‘when ready to have a child, never ever do so unless you are in the exact location you want to be in for the next 18 years/potentially rest of your life’. Seen too many people made miserable by being trapped in countries or locations they don’t want to be in due to child/custody issues, and we don’t want this for our kids. Not our decisions at this point, but at least we opened their eyes and made them aware of these things.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/04/2025 07:21

juststrutting · 19/04/2025 07:11

Yes the physical side of things needs to be discussed, but I would also discuss the law, why it is in place and, like you did, the emotional side of things.

Do her parents know? I wouldn’t be willing to keep the secret as such and I would encourage both of them to consider that she must talk to them about it.

Girls do carry all of the consequences of sex. My bro got one of his early girlfriends pregnant and her parents were really awful to him, holding him fully responsible and excluding him from any decision. I remember him being absolutely heartbroken by the entire thing.

excluding him from any decision

And rightly. He's not the one who's pregnant.

LottieMary · 19/04/2025 07:39

Would he read? Little Bang is a novel on the Carnegie shortlist and fab - about a young girl getting pregnant. It really deals beautifully with the emotional fallout and the way that relationships are so so different for boys and girls.
sadly you probably can’t stop him but it’s also worth reminding him he doesn’t have to keep having sex if he doesn’t want to either whatever ‘masculinity’ might suggest to him. It’s not reversible but doesn’t have to be ongoing

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