Always left out

[Lillybank1]

For my dc whole life, she has always struggled to have, and keep friendship. She’s a kind beautiful girl who looks the right way, and has all the right clothes but never in her life has she managed to maintain or have meaningful friendships, theres always been someone in every group who doesn’t like her, she barely goes out, as she has no-one to go out with, and she keeps a very limited amount of people on social media, I see the way people look at her and treat her, she always seems to be the one that people don’t want around, or people are happy to be on a 1:1 with her but she’s never welcome in a group, iv spent her whole life trying to figure out what the problem is, where is she going wrong,l? She doesn’t stir up trouble and just wants some nice friends but never in her whole life seems to have fitted with anyone. Don’t know what the point of this post is, just to see if others have any experience or know of any children like this that maybe have another side that there parents don’t see, just wish I knew what it was, I can see these high school years are going to be very painful for her which breaks my heart x

No words of advice, but I can feel your anguish in your post. I really feel for you.

How old is your child? DD or DS?

I was like your DD and instead of having ‘painful’ high school years I much would have preferred being told it was ok to not be part of a group. I was in my 30s by the time I worked it out for myself.

She is 13 x

I have always told her this but she seeks and wants that friendship and goes through phases where she feels like she has friends but with the joys of social media see’s that she is always left out of what her friends are doing with never an invite for her. I see such horrible mean kids never without a friend its so frustrating, she just wants to be part of what everyone around her has. High school would be a very difficult place on your own for 6 years.

I'm sorry you are both going through this. My DD is also 13 and has been refusing school for 3 months due to this exact issue. Had a best friend for 11 years who was very similar but as soon as secondary started snd new girls came on the scene, she couldn't handle the dynamic. We are just trying to do as much as possible with her as a family & keep up her interest of horses as that provides some opportunity to socialize. One day I know things will change and this storm will pass.

What are your own friendships like, OP? I mean, is she seeing parents and/or siblings modelling healthy friendships?

What is the pattern with your DD — does she initially make friends with an individual, then start going around with their group, then falls out with one of them? How many times has this happened?

@PowderMonkeys I have always been very lucky,I have always found forming friendships easy, both my husband and I are laid back sociable people we have never struggled with this and we keep a varied group of friends ourselves and socialise at home and away. Her younger sister is also a social butterfly which I feel must also hurt her when she see’s that she finds it so easy.

i would say the pattern is she has always struggled to initiate any friendship so relys on the other person doing that, what I have noticed is that these other people that want to initiate friendships are people who have generally fallen out with the own friends and then when there friendships repair they leave her. Id say she gets by with people but is always on the periphery of any group she has tried to be part of of which has been many over the years she gets on fine with all of the group but without fail the “alpha” in every group never likes her and she gets pushed out, which iv never understood cos she is not an “alpha” in personality so I know for certain she is not challenging them for the top spot. I just cannot figure it out. This latest group since joining high school the one who doesnt like her is determined to get rid of her, I know exactly where we are heading again.

@Raisinsandweetabix I am so sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It is heartbreaking. School refusal is a really difficult thing but equally so is being at school for them, I really don’t know what the answer is. Who wrote the book of social norms and etiquette for children as I would love to read it.

My advice would be for her to find her friends rather than them find her.

Passive, kind girls often get swept in by less kind girls and then get dropped.

@Mysteriousfrowns that is her life in a nutshell. I thought she had found a nice group at high school for the first time ever and they are nice girls but as per there is one who doesn’t want her around and now the others are beginning to distance themselves.

If she wasn't on social media, she wouldn't be seeing this. Sounds like taking her off that would be a good way to help her.

I suspect she is has behaviour patterns that means someone in a group bullies her out each time. Are there some books or internet sites on how to stop being a victim you could look at together in case anything resonated?

If she has any modest music or sporting interest or ability 13 is good to have a go. Perhaps something abit unusual so less competition. Also guides or scouts or cadets can be good for mixing with different groups.

Some of the people I know who were on the edge of groups at school and college learnt very good conversation starter skills and superficial social skills and they have done really well in the workplace.

Honestly, I have noticed that many groups of teen girls spend huge amounts of time bitching about others. perhaps it's insecurity and they want to show they belong but the bitching I have overheard from groups of girls in my house is beyond my experience of high school. Maybe social media doesn't help.

As others have said, try to get her to have some conversation starters and get finding her type of people. Then get her busy and off social media

Hmm. I think I agree with @Mysteriousfrowns that she needs to be proactive in choosing friends, rather than expecting people to come to her — from what you say, the pattern is that the people who approach her as a potential do so when they’ve fallen out with their usual friends she’s a lonely, convenient fallback while they sort things out, and easily droppable if she doesn’t fit into the reconstituted group, because they didn’t choose her because they liked her, she was just there and visibly at a loose end.

So the person who briefly befriended her doesn’t say, ‘Look, X is great. She’s funny and clever and lovely to have around, and you should give her a chance’ because she didn’t choose her because she liked her, but just because she was there and apparently eager to be her friend.

One of the things that a lot of posts by Mners who say they have no friends have in common is that they so often say ‘I just want friends to do stuff with’, as though other people were completely generic, or just needed to fill a ‘friend-shaped gap’ in their lives.

I would always counsel someone of any age thinking about what type of person they want to be around, what they themselves bring to a friendship, what kinds of things they see themselves doing etc, and definitely to approach people they like the look of, even while knowing sometimes it won’t work out.

Waiting for someone to approach you, purely because you’re there and they’re at a temporary loose end, isn’t a good basis for a lasting friendship. It sets you up as an expendable last resort.

Very true. She basically ended up in burnout due to the stress of feeling she didn't fit in. Now we have to put her back together again and hope she finds a group later down the line.

My daughter was like this . She did have friends but they seem to drop her eventually. I think she found it difficult to compromise if she didn't want to do what everyone else was doing . And maybe a bit immature as would rather be home than bars and clubs. In uni is where she found her tribe. She is now early twenties , doesn't have a huge circle of friends but seems happy with her life.

Think about the “popular” kids at high school. Were they popular as everyone liked them? No? Were they powerful as others were scared of them?
Is your daughter just.. nice?