Help - hickey

[rileybelle]

I'm feeling like the worst and most negligent mother in the world and would really appreciate some advice. My 13 (14 in September) year old daughter (Y8) has had a boyfriend since February (Y9, different school). They see each other fairly regularly, mainly at weekends and the occasional afternoon after school.

We've had rules from the beginning - if they go upstairs bedroom door must be open, at least one parent in the house at all times, set curfews etc. The boy seems very nice and poilte, and my husband and I have also met and chatted to his parents. He seems very keen on her - has bought her flowers, chocolate etc.

I noticed a hickey on my daughter's neck yesterday evening. Initally she denied it then said she was sorry and that her boyfriend was sorry. I said that I wasn't angry but that I was worried about boundaries being breached, respect and reminded her the age of consent is 16 because at her age children aren't ready for mature relationships. She maintains that I can trust her, that she is sensible and that her boyfriend respects her boundaries.

She has always been open and honest with me, I have the password to her phone and she regualrly leaves it with me (but I would never read her messages).

How worried should I be? I feel like a complete failure, and maybe I should have banned relationships with boys completely until she's older, but it's too late for that now.

Are you in the US?

Nope. by hickey I mean a love bite.

Well you should t have encouraged any type of boyfriend girlfriend at such a young age.

Now you need to parent her and put a stop to the relationship before she gets pregnant.

Wtf? Was there any need to be so unpleasant?

My DD is yr11 but yr8 was when it started to become common for the girls to have first boyfriends. It sounds like you’re doing the right things, talking sensibly to her, no closed doors etc.

I think the only things I’d add into what you’ve listed is, particularly as her boyfriend is a bit older, have another chat with her to check she’s not feeling pressured to do things she’s not ready for - without ‘blaming’ the boyfriend so she doesn’t feel defensive.

To be completely honest, I think I would also point out (without making a big deal) that love bites are horrible and effectively badge a girl as almost a possession of the boyfriend, and is that really how she wants to be seen.

I think you're over reacting about this, particularly to have reminded your daughter about the age of consent just because of a love bite! Did you really expect them to just sit and talk when they're together? I don't understand what boundaries have been breached, or what respect has to do with this. It sounds as though you're doing everything you can to keep your daughter as safe and informed as you can, and if you are too heavy handed with her, then you will lose the trust that you've clearly got a the moment. If young people want to experiment, there's very little you can do to stop them and they will always find a way. You just have to hope that your daughter is sensible enough to take things at her own speed and to take precautions at such time as she decides to have sex with this or a future boyfriend.

Didn't know they were a thing these days . Going back when I was a little older than your daughter , my friends and I would occasionally get them . I did not mean we'd had sex though so if you trust your daughter is telling the truth , then she might be ok.
However for the time being I'd ban allowing them in her room unless they have someone in with them ( sibling , friends etc )

Thank you so much for the replies, I probably am overreacting as I had an extremely strict religious upbringing (which only made me hide things from my parents, try to solve problems on my own and has given me long lasting anxiety and self esteem issues - trying to avoid these in my own children!)

Like I said, the boyfriend seems to be a very nice polite boy with lovely parents, and we always have a nice chat when he comes over. My daughter is very assertive and confident and it's always been almost impossible to get her to do something she doesn't want to do so I'm fairly confident of her ability to stand up for herself and I realise I should be grateful for this. I do also trust her.

@GeorgianaM - thank you for your input and different opinion - I'm not happy about her having a boyfriend, however in her peer group I know of at least 2 girls that have boyfriends but in secret because they are not allowed, and one girl who has become pregnant in year 10, also not allowed to have a boyfriend. I'm not sure blanket banning of behaviour is the most constructive way forwards but I appreciate your alternative view.

Of course banning them from having a boyfriend is utterly pointless, they will just hide it.

I think your existing boundaries for her are more than reasonable.

What boundary exactly do you think she has broken??

It seems like a massive overreaction to a hickey?? I would explain to her that I think they look 'tacky' and look like a stamp of ownership, ask her if it was intentional on either one of them's behalf. My skin marks really easily and would show as a hickey in nanoseconds!!

She seems pretty self-confident and aware, but it won't hurt to go over the 'consent' & age of consent, & remind her that both being under age is not actually okay either. That they both but particularly he risk getting in trouble if they do go too far.