I haven’t got a clue how to parent 17 year old DD

[Randomsummer]

For the second time this week DD 17 has come home drunk. I understand that kids are going to experiment but I worry about her vulnerability as she is very gullible. She has ADHD, ASD and developmental delay and has a cognitive age of a 13-14 year old.

She appears to have got in with the wrong crowd who like to drink and smoke drugs. I have tried explaining the dangers especially as she is on medication. There are boys in this crowd and she has become fixated on one of them and he is all she goes on about and will go looking for him if he isn’t out.

She dropped out of college and refuses to work (I have tried everything along with the LA) to get her into some sort of placement but she just refuses to do anything.

During the day if I ask her to do chores she will do them but if I don’t give her any she just stays in bed until her friends finish college then she goes out. I have set rules that on a weekday she has to be home by 10:30 as me and her siblings have school/work the next day and I can’t sleep until I know she is home safe and on the weekend I ask for her to be home at 12.

I just don’t know how to handle her, due to her vulnerability I do worry about her. I know I have to let her find her own way in life and develop her social skills etc. But I feel whilst she is living under my roof there needs to be rules set but all I get from her is I am 18 soon you can’t tell me what to do.

I have a 16 year old DS and I feel like I can parent him fine, I am just really struggling with DD17. Any advice would be truly appreciated.

Where is she getting the money from to go out if she isn’t working?

Don’t give her money. She needs to work and pay board if she is able to. M

Your Post is a very difficult one because this is the nightmare situation that no parent wants for themselves or their DC.

What is your relationship like? You haven’t really said anything about why this situation has developed.

What does she feel she will achieve by this lifestyle? I know some young people can be very ‘I don’t’ care’ or blame the world for their perceived problems. You need to try to get to the heart of what’s going on here.

Your DD needs support. She is a child, although nearly an adult. Considering we she is now, unless there is an intervention things could get a lot worse.

She can’t have it both ways. If she wants to be an adult and do whatever she wants she needs to be able to pay for it.

stop giving her money.

I totally agree with you, stop giving her money and personally I don’t think at 17 she should be able to come home at these times. I’m not sure my DD has grown up, but other MNettters,
are your 17 year olds coming home at these times?

Stop giving her money yes, but this won’t solve the problem.

The fact that she has ‘ADHD, ASD and developmental delay and has a cognitive age of a 13-14 year old’ render her’ vulnerable in the situation she is in, staying out late and drinking and smoking drugs.

I'd be cautious about cutting off whatever money she's spending. Someone immature and impulsive could resort to some stupid things to get money.

Has she ever worked? What does she enjoy? Any hobbies? Any friendships you can encourage where the other teen is working or studying? Has ahe tried ADHD meds? Is her dad in the picture? Any other relatives where there's a good relationship? Cousins, aunts and uncles etc? A teacher she used to get on with?

Just thinking she might listen more to someone who's not her mum.

Explaining the dangers doesn’t work with any teen.

don’t give her money at all. It won’t make a difference short term but it will medium term as her friends will get fed up of subbing her.

from the sound of it she’s found a new and interesting friendship group and also possibly got a crush. It’s hard to fight that and parents don’t win when weighed against teenage love.

if you are worried about her ask her to share location on her phone so you know where she is.

Does she have an EHCP?
Is she registered with your local Neet Service?

Needlenardlenoo makes a good though upsetting point that vulnerable girls who hang around boys can find ways to get money and drugs. It's not uncommon at all. I'd try speaking with social services, I rarely recommend them but as she's a bit older you won't have the same issues that other parents have and hopefully they can recommend something for vulnerable girls who are at risk. I'd really try and sit and talk with her though about what can happen and who she can trust. Be explicit as possible.
So many girls in care are autistic which when you look at the historical abuse cases and Rotherham, you can see how they got to them initially.

Also, you've probably already tried them but has she looked into apprenticeships? Is there something she loves doing that can be a source of potential employment?

She sounds a bit lost tbh, especially if she has dropped out of college. I wonder if a stint away somewhere- doing some volunteering or similar - might kill these friendships without you having to do anything directly.

Also make it clear that if she's not working or studying, when she turns 18 she will have to move out.

How is your relationship with her in general OP - I'm wondering if she feels stifled by you, hence the rebellious behaviour? How much freedom have you given her? Is she able to express her thoughts and feelings to you? Or do you respond with an "I know best" attitude? Not trying to blame you but sometimes a controlling parent can send the kid off the rails. Could that be part of it?

Finally I'd recommend some therapy for your DD - as a way to help her navigate what she wants to do and the path she wants to take next.

I second therapy actually. Another trusted adult saying exactly the same as you will mean more unfortunately!

I would not say you will push her out at 18 though. Not to someone who is basically cognitively 13/14. It could scare her right into the arms of these people it's also saying to her you think she can look after herself. Which would be a mixed message to send.

If she will engage, the King's Trust (used to be the Princes Trust) has a 12 week programme for NEETS.

And beyond that, don't beat yourself up. It is easy to blame yourself and your parenting - and lots of people will, sadly - but there are some young people who just don't respond.

In my case it was (adopted) DD1. I did everything 'right' but she rejected it all in her teens. We now have a lovely relationship and she is at uni in her mid 20s.

DD2 (also adopted) hasn't rejected my parenting. They are just very different in their needs and personalities.

So, do the best you can. Try to tread that line between setting boundaries and trying to connect and understand.

It may be your daughter needs to go out in the world and be let down and hurt until she realises how valuable her family is. It's painful watching them, but in the end if they won't learn any other way you have to let them learn by experience (and hope they will learn, rather than get caught up.in a destructive lifestyle).

Sending you lots of good wishes.

But how old were you when you adopted them, and what happened before that?

Name changed for this as going to share very personal details.

I was your DD. Doing more or less everything she is doing. I have ADHD but was undiagnosed at the time - you are a step in front because at least you know the reasons for her behaviour.

I agree about how vulnerable she is. I was 14/15/16/17 and having sex with literal strangers outside in public.

I fell pregnant young so my worry here is that could be the next step for your DD? Having been in that same place of almost hopelessness with no future plans for uni or anything the logical choice for me was to have a baby because it gave me a reason for not doing those things.

I think the ADHD is a huge part of this so focusing on making sure she is on the right medication and possibly some ADHD focused therapy might help.

This is really difficult and I understand your worries.

My suggestion isn’t a solution and I don’t know what will work in your case.

When my Dd was this age (normal teenager at the I Know Everything stage - no ADHD/ASD), I told her that If she ever felt uncomfortable/unsafe when she was out - she could call me ANYTIME for a lift home/taxi - no questions asked. No telling off, no questions, just straight home. I also kept a £20 note at home to pay for a taxi.

I did this solely to try and find a solution for if things had gone terribly wrong. The idea that if this ever happened she wouldn’t be too afraid to call for help. My idea was that we could then very calmly discuss what had gone wrong the night before and how she could learn from that to keep herself safe in future.

From what you say, your dd may not be able to accurately assess when she is unsafe, so you probably need a different solution.

But this may be a useful add on until you find a way to sort this.

i wish you the very best.

Hmm I’m not sure. Sounds very normal? (Unfortunately!).
I (and most of my peers) were out 5/6 nights a week at 16/17. Didn’t want to stay in with my parents, much more fun to be had socialising. I’ve turned out pretty well, so have the friends I was kicking around with at that age.
I wouldn’t over react, your daughter is one year off an adult, it’s completely normal to socialise, experiment etc etc. I would however set ground rules and either getting back into college or finding work asap. Def not freeloading.

She has always struggled with friendships this one girl she is hanging around has been the constant in her life but she has become friends with this group of lads who my daughter is now hanging around with.

She receives PIP which goes into my bank as she has no concept of money. I don’t give her cash I buy her stuff when she needs it. I have thought of saying that the money is stopping due to her not looking for work or going to college and then just putting aside for her and not buying her anything (not sure if I am allowed to do that) her “friends” are supplying her with the drink.

We are very close and she is a lovely girl and we come from a large family with lots of cousins, aunts and uncles so are very family oriented. Her cousins have been looking out for her as they are in their early twenties so have been trying to guide her.

I have her on find my phone which she doesn’t know about so I do check her location regularly when she is out.

She is obsessed with horses and luckily her cousin has one so we are trying to get her to go and help out with the horse and get her riding lessons to see if that will give her a purpose and an incentive to do something she enjoys.

Depending on how vulnerable you think she is you could contact vulnerable services, in my area it's called single point of access. My DD2 was/is similar circumstances, although more inappropriate use of SM than drinking. I was torn between thinking it was normal teenage behaviour but also aware of her ADHD/ASD.
She also had dropped out of college for the 2nd time last year and we have always said that she must be doing something, i.e. college or work so she went to see a Disability Employment Advisor & after DD told the advisor the kind of things she'd been up to she contacted me & advised me to contact vulnerable services! This was a relief and has helped somewhat but it has been a hard journey - we're still not there yet but things are slightly better than they were a year ago. Feel free to PM.

Gosh, I'm not sure that's ideal not having access to money at all. What have you tried?

DD (younger but same diagnosis) has a Go Henry card which is like a debit card but not linked to a bank. She can see what she's spent and what on, and I can transfer her funds including in an emergency. She can complete educational tasks about money too and earn a small amount for these.

There are alternatives for young adults too such as these:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/cards-for-under-18s/

If she loves horses and animals is there a course she can do in that? Dog walking/grooming etc? Anything to introduce her to nicer people and give her a focus?

There are BTECs and other vocational courses linked to animal care in agricultural colleges (not necessarily all in rural areas).

Can you kick out a 16 or 17 year old without legal repercussions if they don't pay board?

Also make it clear that if she's not working or studying, when she turns 18 she will have to move out.

Don’t be silly!
OP said she has a cognitive age of 13 - 14.