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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Rudeness in 16 year old?

24 replies

AbbeyDown · 14/04/2025 21:24

My daughter is 16 (17 in September), and up until recently, we’ve had a really close relationship. But this evening something shifted, and I’m honestly hurt and shocked.

She had a friend over and suddenly decided she wanted to go to the local swimming pool at 8pm. I said no, it was too late, but that she could go tomorrow. She and her friend then decided to go for a quick walk instead, no problem there.

Before she left, she came downstairs and said, “Mum, I need a tenner.” I asked what for, and she casually said it was for snacks and swimming tomorrow. I told her I’d give her a couple of quid now for the shop and the rest tomorrow. She didn’t take that well started getting really stroppy and argumentative, asking “Why? Why? Why?” over and over, in front of her friend. Her friend even said to her, just have a bit now and the rest tomorrow!

I gave her a look to warn her to stop pushing it, and she snapped at me with “What you staring at?” Her friend looked really uncomfortable. I calmly told her to stop before I lost my temper, and then she told me to “shut up.” When I asked who she thought she was talking to like that, she said, “You.”

I can’t believe the way she spoke to me. It wasn’t just rudeness, it felt deliberately disrespectful. And to do it in front of someone else really stung.

She’s got her GCSEs coming up soon, she’s just started seeing a new boyfriend, and when I’m at work she’s barely getting out of bed before lunchtime. I’ve asked for some routine, revision Monday to Friday, and weekends off and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. But tonight, it feels like she’s pushing every single boundary.

I’m upset. Not just angry, genuinely hurt. I don’t recognise this side of her, and I don’t know if it’s a phase, hormones, stress, or something more. But I feel like I’m losing the closeness we had, and I don’t know how to get it back.

Has anyone else gone through this and come out the other side?

OP posts:
Preposterious · 15/04/2025 01:28

Teens are up and down. See how she is with you and if you can have a conversation about this.
I wouldn’t give any money unless she apologised for the way she spoke. Make sure she understands it’s unacceptable.

Trashpalace · 15/04/2025 05:59

Time to demonstrate to your daughter a very valuable lesson all young women need to see modelled - how to stand up for yourself when someone disrespects you. You will need to give her the message that she was well out of line and the way she spoke to you was absolutely unacceptable to you and you wouldn't accept it from anyone.

No need to take it too personally. Young people will try all sorts of strategies and they will use the ones that work so you just need to ensure it is clear that rudeness does not work to get what she wants and even has a negative consequence if that is needed.

FortyElephants · 15/04/2025 06:27

Did you send her friend home? There's teenage stroppiness and GCSE stress and then there's outright vile behaviour which this was. I hope she won't be going swimming today on your money?!

verycloakanddaggers · 15/04/2025 06:33

I’m upset. Not just angry, genuinely hurt. I don’t recognise this side of her, and I don’t know if it’s a phase, hormones, stress, or something more. But I feel like I’m losing the closeness we had, and I don’t know how to get it back. This is too much, try to stop spiralling.

She's a teen, she's got exams, she's on her own with revision while you work, has peer pressure.

You need a calm chat where you tell her she can't speak to anyone like that, and if she does it to you again then she won't get the money she's requesting and any friends will be asked to leave.

But also - ask her if she's ok if this is out of character. GCSEs are a stressful time, as is leaving school.

ThejoyofNC · 15/04/2025 06:35

You should have sent the friend home. If you allow her to get away with it then it'll continue and escalate.

SilverButton · 15/04/2025 06:42

I'm not excusing her behaviour, but I think maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that you were only going to give her a couple of quid now and the rest tomorrow. Why not just give her a tenner now (as you were going to give it to her anyway)? It sounds like you didn't trust her not to spend it all today, or thought she was lying to you about what she wanted it for? Teens really don't like being treated like a child or feeling embarrassed in front of their friends.

verycloakanddaggers · 15/04/2025 06:46

You should have sent the friend home. If you allow her to get away with it then it'll continue and escalate.

Not the first time. First time you tell them you will do this if it happens again, then if it does you stick to your word.

mumonthehill · 15/04/2025 06:47

Just put in boundaries calmly. So today if she asks for money just say no because you spoke to me so rudely. Longer term does she get pocket money, as this might be a good way for her to have ownership on what she has and how she spends it. At this point pick your battles but stay firm on being disrespectful.

WinterFoxes · 15/04/2025 06:51

Don't give her the money. IME, being really calm but very clear why is the way forward. Explain you can't give her money for swimming or any money ever again until she has apologised and shown she genuinely understands why. That you don't do favours for people who treat you like dirt or hand over money yo people who are aggressive to you and you want her to learn, from your behaviour, that she never should either.

If you have doubts, ask if the new boyfriend talks to her or to his mum like that. Ask where she got the behaviour from.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 15/04/2025 06:57

I'd have a chat with her when she is calm, no good comes of shouting the odds.

TBH if you've got this far without her being rude then it's quite amazing. Mine were more like this at 11-13 sometimes - you have to model reasonable behaviour, politeness and respect to them and it goes both ways.

ThejoyofNC · 15/04/2025 07:08

verycloakanddaggers · 15/04/2025 06:46

You should have sent the friend home. If you allow her to get away with it then it'll continue and escalate.

Not the first time. First time you tell them you will do this if it happens again, then if it does you stick to your word.

I disagree, if it's something minor then by all means give a warning but that type of behaviour needs shutting down immediately.

itsmeits · 15/04/2025 07:26

SilverButton · 15/04/2025 06:42

I'm not excusing her behaviour, but I think maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that you were only going to give her a couple of quid now and the rest tomorrow. Why not just give her a tenner now (as you were going to give it to her anyway)? It sounds like you didn't trust her not to spend it all today, or thought she was lying to you about what she wanted it for? Teens really don't like being treated like a child or feeling embarrassed in front of their friends.

This is excusing the behaviour though. Teenagers don't like this and that - you didn't give her what she wanted - so what do you expect.

She lives in OPs house so OPs rules. Legally she is a child.

I'd not have given mine the 10a either as they would conveniently have over spent and required more - not that they would have had it from me.
@AbbeyDown she was pushing boundaries yes. Lets see if things are different if a friend is there. (showing who rules the roost in the house) Only like asking if friend can stay in front of you putting the pressure on to say yes.
Saying no to a child isn't abuse - although it seems to be going that way.

Original poster
AbbeyDown · 15/04/2025 07:46

SilverButton · 15/04/2025 06:42

I'm not excusing her behaviour, but I think maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that you were only going to give her a couple of quid now and the rest tomorrow. Why not just give her a tenner now (as you were going to give it to her anyway)? It sounds like you didn't trust her not to spend it all today, or thought she was lying to you about what she wanted it for? Teens really don't like being treated like a child or feeling embarrassed in front of their friends.

It wasn’t even what she was asking for, it was how she asked. She didn’t come in and say, “Mum, please can I have a tenner?” or even explain nicely. She literally just said, “Mum, I need a tenner,” like I’m a cash machine.

So I calmly said I’d give her a couple of quid now for the shop, and the rest tomorrow for swimming. Not to be awkward — just to make the point that it’s not okay to demand money like that without a bit of basic respect.

It wasn’t about the money, it was the attitude. And the fact she kept kicking off in front of someone made it ten times worse.

OP posts:
SilverButton · 15/04/2025 08:08

Fair enough OP - it's your call, obviously. I was just giving a different perspective. Incidentally I have a 17yo daughter and we have a really good respectful relationship. I think it can help to try and see each other's point of view.

MrsFaustus · 15/04/2025 08:12

I can’t believe how many people excuse this through hormones, exams etc.Yes teenagers can get edgy, morose etc. when they’re anxious but such rudeness, especially in front of others is totally unacceptable.

LovelySG · 15/04/2025 08:17

Poor you. 16 is a really difficult age. She’s full of hormones. Alternatively feeling like a baby and then an adult. Dreading her GCSEs and dreading the results even more because shit’s about to get real. Her reputation within her peer group with be everything to her.

Awful combination.

ThejoyofNC · 15/04/2025 08:38

LovelySG · 15/04/2025 08:17

Poor you. 16 is a really difficult age. She’s full of hormones. Alternatively feeling like a baby and then an adult. Dreading her GCSEs and dreading the results even more because shit’s about to get real. Her reputation within her peer group with be everything to her.

Awful combination.

And all of that makes her behaviour okay? Plenty of 16 year olds are going through all of the above without taking to their mothers like shit.

whiteblossoms · 15/04/2025 11:12

I have three teens and have copped my share of rudeness over the years. I think your DD was trying to show off in front of her friend and seeing how much she could get away with. In this situation I would have calmly said I don’t tolerate being spoken to like that and walked away. No money would also be coming her way until she apologised and started speaking respectfully again.

This type of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud before she starts thinking it’s acceptable to behave this way.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2025 11:18

My first thought is why did you stop them from going swimming? They're heading towards 17, they aren't little children. And surely swimming is a nice wholesome activity, they weren't sneaking down the pub!

Pick your battles. Swimming at 8pm isn't something I'd be fussed about! Encouraged if anything!

ShaunaSadeki · 15/04/2025 11:25

I agree about not understanding why she couldn’t go swimming? Assume you would need to drive them and didn’t want to turn out, which is totally understandable.

I would go with a calm chat about how hurt you are that she spoke to you like that and ask that it doesn’t happen again. Then think about sanctions if it carries on

Original poster
AbbeyDown · 15/04/2025 11:36

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2025 11:18

My first thought is why did you stop them from going swimming? They're heading towards 17, they aren't little children. And surely swimming is a nice wholesome activity, they weren't sneaking down the pub!

Pick your battles. Swimming at 8pm isn't something I'd be fussed about! Encouraged if anything!

It wasn’t just about swimming — it was the attitude that came with it. The demanding tone, no “please” or “thank you,” just “I need a tenner,” and then the way she spoke to me when I didn’t immediately hand it over. That was the bigger issue for me. It’s less about the swimming and more about the way it all played out.

OP posts:
Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 08:03

Holiday will be fun!

Original poster
AbbeyDown · 18/04/2025 12:03

Eveningstart · 18/04/2025 08:03

Holiday will be fun!

Hopefully it will be time for her to wind down after the stress of her exams and hopefully her attitude winds down with it! Thanks for your concern!

OP posts:
Springhassprungxx · 18/04/2025 12:26

My dd can be gobby in front of her mates - as much as it can be a teenage thing, l don't tolerate it.
She is a bit younger than yours op.
Wouldn't do it to her dad!

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