My daughter, 19 (foster daughter but has been with us since age 10, and very much “our daughter”, no other kids in our family) is buying food, make up and clothing in excess of what I think is normal.
This has developed over the last 18 months - two years. For anyone who doesn’t know much about traumatised children who grow up in care, they can have tendencies towards hiding/hoarding things (food in particular) at a younger age, often when they first come into care. My daughter did experience hunger (food scarcity) on and off throughout her early childhood but didn’t show those hoarding behaviours when younger. I do realise that this is likely related to what we are seeing now.
What I’d love is some advice about (or to hear other parents’ experiences with own kids) how to talk to her about it. My biggest worry is her health. Her weight has blown out in the last couple of years and she has a raised insulin level. She has all the signs of PCOS and her doctor has suggested she lose some weight. She’s not particularly active. She buys junk food almost daily and “hides” the evidence (not very well obviously). She will eat at home when we make a meal but often she’s already stopped to get fast food on the way home from uni or work.
The other issue is almost a compulsion to buy things. I know many adolescents like to buy clothes but she literally buys 1-2 new items of clothing a week as well as other stuff like make up. She has put no savings aside (by her request we have some access to her banking) despite having a part time job that pays very well, and extra money each fortnight from the government because of her circumstances. So I also worry that she will continue to develop these very harmful habits and will struggle with both her health and her finances.
Ive had some conversations with her about improving her diet (NOT about needing to lose weight) and offered my assistance. I’ve gently planted some seeds about not eating in secret (there’s no shame in eating, please just don’t hide it), however she very much appears oblivious to the habits she has formed.
Some further info that may or may not be relevant - I am fairly slim and active. Some people have told me there’s no point in me saying anything much as I’m hard to relate to for an overweight teenage girl. Fair, I suppose.
We also, as a family, have had a rough couple of years for various reasons (deaths, conflicts resulting in us all going to family therapy) but I believe my daughter knows that we love her and she is family. We treat her as we would our own kids (if we had any).
Gosh sorry this was so long. I worry about this all daily. She is literally limiting her lifespan and is already experiencing negative effects of carrying so much weight and from a poor diet.