DS saying he will give up his job

[PenguinChops]

My DS is 18 and a pretty good teenager in that he is overall polite and chatty and we have a good close relationship.

He is, however, rather lazy. He’s due to finish college in a couple of months and is not going to university. He’s always been absolutely fine at school and college but has been skiving off the odd day more and more frequently as the course comes to an end. He also did precisely zero revision for his GCSEs yet managed to pass and he will come out of his college course with a merit I believe

He also has a part time job in retail. Just 12 hours a week and he’s had this job for almost 2 years. Really well paid, brings home £650 a month and this means he can buy all the bits and pieces he likes to. Very local job and he’s doing well there

however he’s decided he’s leaving in June. Reason? He wants to have ‘one last summer to chill’ what ever that means. Despite the job being spread over just 2 days a week, giving him loads of time to ‘chill’ , he will not listen to any reason from me whatsoever.

his plans after summer aren’t exactly illuminating. He’s going to do a part time personal training course from September to December and then ‘see how he feels’

I’ve spoken to him about how at 18 we have to be working or studying or a combination. That I will not bank roll him (unfortunately he has access to a large sum of money - 14k. This is from savings that his father has allowed him access to (we’ve not been together for 18 years so this is not my money so I have no say in it) And this access has come about in the last month. I’ve advised him to put it in an ISA, take a little to spend etc and stay working but nope. He won’t budge

so my question… I’m bored of trying to reason with him and I’m now wondering if I just let him crack on and I’ll be here (as always of course) for advice and support when he regrets chucking his job away so he could play more x box and go to a music festival?

What would you do?

of course I can’t ‘make’ him do anything and our discussions have not been heated. He’s just totally adamant he fancies some chilling time now and that’s that

But he dies have it in the form of the 14 thousand. The “personal trainer” thing would have me worried . Isn’t it likely to be code for Andrew Tate and the manosphere?

@BadSkiingMumhe understands he won’t get it back and I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s really tough out there for people getting jobs of any kind.

And yes, at least he’s got nearly 2 years of experience in a job so that’s something.

In only matters in that I wonder how long this period of chill may go on for! The diploma he’s going to do in September will only take him to December to complete

I’m probably worrying unnecessarily about the future

It is ridiculous when it’s only for 12 hours a week , but you can’t drag him there . Make it crystal clear thou come September chill time is over

@pikkumyy77gosh no!! He’s doing a sports science course now and would like to qualify as a personal trainer to add another dimension to what he’s already doing

He isn’t a woman hater I promise! I’m quite taken aback you’ve taken that as a possibility from my posts!

The house rule was if you are not in education or training then you work… doing nothing is not optional

@Crispynoodlehes not too bothered about learning to drive! He’s started and packed it in once already. He’s about to start again tomorrow actually but rather reluctantly.

like I said, he’s rather lazy

He'll have to pay his rent out of his savings then...

To be honest I was the same as your DD out of us two so maybe gender plays a role here 😂

@goodnightssleepbenicethat's it in a nutshell. I can go on all I like and have chats with him but I cannot force him

https://www.ucas.com/apprenticeships/degree-apprenticeships

He should learn while he earns and work towards a decent qualification & vocational skills.

Charge him rent from September once he's not in education as a dependent.

If you can afford to, keep the money he pays in rent and give it him back for a house deposit.

I'd charge at least £300 a month, so that you're guaranteeing he isn't pissing all his savings up the wall. If he doesn't like it, he's welcome to find a cheaper house share....

Thanks all - it’s been useful to read the comments about how you’d approach it and different thoughts

My new plan is to say nothing more on the matter. He’s aware of my thoughts and all I’m doing now is ramming them home. Ill wait for him to come and talk to me on time - and he probably will, he always has done

I wouldn’t have him “chilling”, at 18? What a waste of a life. He should at least volunteer in different areas to see what type of career he might like in future.

I would make him aware now that as from the 1st September, you will expect him to contribute £500/month for living in the house, council tax, bills, food plus he buys all his own clothes, toiletries etc. If you eat out as a family, he pays for his share etc.

An adult enough to decide to jack in his job means that he's adult enough to deal with the consequences.

I'd put £300 into the family pot for living expenses and put £200/month away for him for his future without him knowing.

He'll thank you for it one day.

If he complains, tell him he's welcome to find somewhere less than that for a house share with the same level of luxury as your home. Bet he'd be hard pressed to find one!

But let him have that last, carefree summer...

I can understand the last summer off idea, I am doing the same for my daughter. But once her child benefit and maintenance stops then I'll be charging her (a reasonable amount of) rent

How else are they going to learn responsibility, financial sense and how to be an adult if they aren't taught to do it?

I would charge him rent. If he is not in full time education at 18 +, they pay rent. simple.

So he needs to get a job and cough up, or into education and stay there

Your DS might have the right idea. His work doesn’t really pay that well £12/hr I know (even outside London) that £12.60 is the norm

If he wants the Summer off then let him take the Summer off. Could end up with him earning more in September

I feel for him really - he's still young and pensions probably won't exist by the time he is old enough for one. This might be the last chance in his life to live with no pressure or expectations of work.

Many kids his age have never worked at all so he's already doing better than many in regards to responsibility. As long has he has a true plan for september I don't see the issue.

How did it go op? fwiw I’d feel the same as you, I’ve always expected dd to have a PT job and tbf to her she’s always has! The summer after her GCSEs she worked in a coffee kiosk and saved enough money to pay for her driving lessons when she turned 17yo.

It seems to me he does have future plans but you just don’t approve of them?

He has been working and now plans to do a course that interests him. Uni is not the right path for everyone and personal training is becoming a very lucrative area.

Ime it’s not unusual at all for teens to go travelling or take time off in between A levels and their next step.

He isn’t asking you for any money and is funding it himself, so I’m a bit perplexed as to why you’re so unhappy tbh.

How do you think he will fund it all without a job?

I’d look at what he’s likely to regret. Will he regret having a summer off? No
will he regret going to a festival, no. In 10 years will be look back and wish he worked two days a week that summer, no. So I’d let it go.
however he does seem to be viewing turning 18 and getting this money in a bit of an unhealthy unpositive way. I’d probably try work on helping him feel a bit more positive and passionate about his life. He’s talking about ‘one last summer’ and seems to be being reluctantly dragged into adulthood.
I would say that everyone over 18 in the house needs to be working or studying, and if they’re not they need to be paying rent.

It will be a shame if he blows through thousands that he could’ve used to help him in the future but you can’t really control that. He’s not going to put it in an isa so there’s no point suggesting that. But you could help him ring fence some for something he is interested in. Eg would he like a car

Maybe with the savings he has from working?

It seems to me he is planning to have some time off before starting a course which will lead him towards a career that is lucrative and in demand.

He has not asked the OP for any money. If he’d gone to uni, the OP would’ve been expected ti find that to the tune of thousands. I’m really struggling to see the issue here.

I missed the bit that his dad gave him 14k so of course he's ok for money. Not much the OP can do til he runs through that.

Is personal trainer a good course? I reckon my DCs would be up for doing that.

Yes, if it’s a proper course with a real qualification.

There is very strong demand for personal trainers.