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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When do they turn back into nice people??

18 replies

Dreamingofthedays · 07/04/2025 20:22

17 year old DD, has a month left of college with all final assessments during this time. Tutors say she’s capable of doing really well but attitude, laziness and not turning up will likely stop her doing so.
DH bought her a car 5 months ago and she passed her test first time so lots of lovely freedom.
Lies frequently to us, bedroom is beyond disgusting, doesn’t respect any time or communication requests, came home at 2.40am last night when we have said college nights to be midnight and weekend nights 2am till she finishes (which we thought were reasonable)
Had a chat with her tonight to see if we could all agree for what the boundaries should be and she was vile.
Tell me some stories of it turning nice again and when! Or what you found worked to get through!!

OP posts:
Cappuccino5 · 07/04/2025 20:36

If she can’t communicate like an adult then I’d be treating her like a child and taking away her car privileges. I’m a relaxed parent OP (and had my fair share of run ins with DD at that age..!) but coming home at 2:30am on a school night and treating you both like rubbish just isn’t acceptable. There has to be consequences as to be frank she sounds like a spoilt little madam at the moment.

HappiestWhenGardening · 07/04/2025 20:58

I’m a latecomer to Mumsnet and I have 3 grown up sons. I really sympathise with you about teenage kids; my first son, who I was always so close to, turned absolutely horrible aged 16. He stopped studying (his teachers couldn’t understand it at all as he’d been a great student previously) and he became awful to me (but not my husband annoyingly). I think it’s all to do with separating and becoming your own person - a bit like with toddlers…..!
anyway, my point is, they DO become lovely again, but it’s a rough ride for a few years… Good luck!

LikeSeriously · 07/04/2025 21:58

Mine is the same age and I just would not tolerate that. We also bought her a car. The keys would be taken off her if she was going on like that.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/04/2025 22:04

Ummm early 20s... It was gradual. My DC were little shits from 16-19, then they sort of improved gradually, and became more thoughtful as they matured. By the time they hit their mid 20s, they were wonderful, kind, thoughtful, loving adults.

BlumminFreezin · 07/04/2025 22:13

Even without her not listening, a college night curfew of Midnight seems absolutely bonkers to me.

Ds1 is 17. His curfew is 10pm Sunday to Thursday. He's in bed by 10.30! Friday and Saturday there's not really a curfew - sometimes he sleeps over a friends house, sometimes he's in by 11pm, occasionally 3am if he's been to a house party. I thought we were really relaxed tbh.

How is she supposed to function the next day in college when she doesn't even have to be in until midnight?

Agree with the pp, we just wouldn't tolerate any of it tbph. Those car keys would be in my pocket before she could blink.

Monvelo · 07/04/2025 22:15

I remember my brother became a reasonable human almost overnight at age 24. From speaking to friends and colleagues extensively girls can be earlier...

Hoydenish · 07/04/2025 22:23

Once they had left home for Uni or new job. Honestly, mine had to experience life as an adult, with no one but themselves to save the day. It didn't take long - the ones who went to Uni returned as perfectly nice normal people by their first Christmas break and the one who moved away for work was I think sooner? Maybe November, popped back for a weekend - what a pleasant surprise to find a non-grunting, engaging young person visiting I wanted to say where's X and what have you done with them, hah hah hah

Wallywobbles · 07/04/2025 22:28

If that had happened here I’d sell the car. She’s not mature enough to have one.

Hoydenish · 07/04/2025 22:33

I would hold your horses wrt car til college is done. Grit your teeth for another month. I know it is hard but you (and DH) don't want to be in the firing line for blame if results are poor.

SurfAllDay · 07/04/2025 22:35

What are the consequences of lying and what have they been as she grew up? What is she lying about? Why is having a messy bedroom the second most important thing- that's really not a concern with everything else going on. Was the car from both of you? What's your relationship like in general?

Original poster
Dreamingofthedays · 07/04/2025 22:35

Thanks all, I’ll show my DH this thread with hopefully a few more responses tomorrow, I agree there needs to be consequences to her behaviour just need to ensure we are united on the approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamingofthedays · 07/04/2025 22:40

Hoydenish · 07/04/2025 22:33

I would hold your horses wrt car til college is done. Grit your teeth for another month. I know it is hard but you (and DH) don't want to be in the firing line for blame if results are poor.

Yes I do think this as she has actually been better at going to college since driving herself there, I completely agree with everyone on the want to take the car keys away but neither of us can be her taxi service and she would be stubborn enough to not go and get the bus

OP posts:
luckybugger · 07/04/2025 22:40

My children were ok in their teens but I got them back about 22-25 . Really lovely,intelligent,thoughtful adults now 😊

shelle07 · 08/04/2025 02:38

In a similar position to yourself, but definitely finding that consequences and consistency is key. During school week our curfew is 10pm. It’s hard to get teens out of bed anyway, but harder after a late night.
At the weekend we told our DS he has 2 choices. He does things our way and we get off his back, or he does things his way but he fends for himself and becomes self sufficient. He chose our way.
They want to be treated like adults but they don’t want to act like it. They’re just not ready. We don’t want to be treated like an all inclusive hotel. We at least expect kindness and consideration at the bare minimum. So until he can show us he can be reliable and responsible, he has to do things our way.
Like you I can’t wait to get through this period. It’s exhausting.

LovelySG · 08/04/2025 04:21

In my experience it’s when they leave home and stand, properly, on their own two feet - financially and domestically - and finally have an appreciation of ‘what it takes’. So beyond uni and into work, unsubsidised.

CyclingAddict · 08/04/2025 05:26

My daughter is 19 and has started speaking to us respectfully…especially when her boyfriend is around ! In fact, she is a completely changed character.

Are you saying your daughter would stop attending College if she didn’t have her car?

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 07:26

Dd1 is 19 and honestly for the last two years has been awful to live with. Rude, surly, knows everything, contributes nothing. I’d had enough about two week ago and gave her a few home truths. She has been a bit nicer since but how long will it last? You have my sympathies as it horrible walking on egg shells in your own home.

Original poster
Dreamingofthedays · 08/04/2025 18:51

piscofrisco · 08/04/2025 07:26

Dd1 is 19 and honestly for the last two years has been awful to live with. Rude, surly, knows everything, contributes nothing. I’d had enough about two week ago and gave her a few home truths. She has been a bit nicer since but how long will it last? You have my sympathies as it horrible walking on egg shells in your own home.

It does make you feel better to know you are not the only one in the situation xx

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