Motivating an unmotivated teen

[shelle07]

I have an unmotivated teen who is 16. He finds revising and homework boring, and doesn’t really know what he wants to do next. He is currently doing his A’Levels. We want to support him but he just wants us to leave him to it, and gets very prickly about it. He is already being performance managed by school. He has the potential to do well, but he keeps putting things off and thinking he can get away with it. He lies to us all the time about having done his homework, revision, and grades. He turns 17 soon and even with that, he’s not particularly fussed about learning to drive. He just thinks his mates will drive him around everywhere so there is no rush. At our wits end. Any advice gratefully received.

What does he enjoy doing? Any hobbies/interests out of school?

whats his eating / sleeping / exersize like?

He plays sport, sees his friends and girlfriend, and goes to the gym. His sleep is okay, but he stays awake late as can’t get himself to sleep easily.

Two things... pocket money and phone.

At that age, they're on their phones so much that getting them off it is a chore and a half. Limit it?

And if he doesn't work, tell him that pocket money is a privilege, and he has to earn it, ither via you with proof ohlf homework completion/chores... or an actual job.

I work with this age group and the biggest complaint I get about parents is they push too hard and the kid digs thier heels in and refuses to comply. I always make the point that it is coming from a good place, is because thier parents love them and want what is best for them but they see it as them (the child) having no control over thier life.

He sounds exactly like me at that age, except I was working straight from school instead of studying - my parents let me learn the hard way. They helped when I asked for it (motivation, finding a way to do what I needed to) and I had some really tough times while I worked it out but it eased the relationship with my parents and I felt I could ask for help rather than being forced to do something.

I think there is a limit to what you can achieve pushing him to study.

I think you should start (at a good moment) asking what he fancies doing as a career as he is not enjoying studying so further study is not an option. Perhaps he would flourish learning a trade or taking an apprenticeship within a business.

bribery always works with teens. Offer him money per grade, higher for higher grades? If he revises for a couple of hours /goes go study session he gets a takeaway or something?

You can lead a horse to water - provide space, equipment and the means to revise but that’s all you can do.

Been there, done that! To preserve any kind of relationship with them you really need to let them make their own decisions.