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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Desperately lonely 18 year old

11 replies

Squirrelsnut · 05/04/2025 23:09

My poor DS has no friends, through unfortunate circumstances. He isn't currently in education because of severe anxiety, although this has improved a lot recently. He is so lonely and it's breaking my heart.
My question is: how do lonely older teens meet people?! He's worried about using Meetup in case he's the youngest in the group. I just feel so helpless and sad for him. He's such a lovely, kind and clever person.

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50andfabulous · 06/04/2025 00:13

Big hugs to you and your son. My son is only 11 years old and he doesn't have friends and I fear he will always be lonely. Is your son getting support for anxiety? Are there any groups he can join? Does he have online friends? He needs a hand-hold to get out there and meet people. Is having a support worker an option? I hope he finds his tribe but even just having one good friend will make a difference.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 06/04/2025 00:32

Does he have any hobbies or things he enjoys doing? Any sports, music, gaming?

Squirrelsnut · 06/04/2025 00:33

Thank you. He's lost so much confidence that even simple things to meet people seem hugely daunting.
I'm sorry about your son's situation. Is he ND?

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ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 06/04/2025 00:33

Is he getting support for his anxiety ?

Squirrelsnut · 06/04/2025 00:51

He's had counselling and takes Ashwaganda. He's actually far less anxious now. I think part of the issue is he feels in stasis - wants to fly the nest but hasn't completed post 16 qualifications yet.

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TheaBrandt1 · 06/04/2025 01:00

Could he get a job? Sympathies my 18 year old isn’t in this position at all as she has lots of friends but she got a job in a restaurant in her gap year and developed an additional thriving social life and made lovely new friends through the job. They all worked Friday and Saturday nights and went out afterwards. Could he do that?

Squirrelsnut · 06/04/2025 01:30

I think that's a great idea and I've been encouraging him to look for pub-type jobs. Ironically he's socially adept and quite charming when he's himself.

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WinterFoxes · 06/04/2025 02:25

My massive sympathy to him and you. One of the greatest emotional pains I ever felt was when DS was lonely in his teens. I put a lot of effort ( and - crucially- so did he) into helping him overcome it. In case any of this helps, I'll pass it on.

We worked a lot on his social anxiety by getting him to recognise everyone is shy and nervous some of the time and that's okay. I helped him to recognise what overtures of friendship look like and how to respond without coming over as too keen or too offhand. He had been missing some social cues and started picking up on them.

He agreed to focus on just being out and about in the world in lots of different ways. For him, strong friendships grew from unexpected sources. First, he volunteered at a charity which had lots of overseas volunteers who knew no one when they arrived in uk so they all ended up hanging out together. Then he made friends in an online hobby group that started to have real life meet ups.

He got good at music and ended up playing regularly with some other musicians. For your DS, that might be a sport or art class or any other group thing.

He also started online dating - really simply at first, just meeting for a coffee and not hoping it would go further, just to build confidence.

A few years on, he is happy and sociable but he really was deeply lonely and so shy he truly believed he'd never make friends, let alone get a girlfriend. He just made a project of getting out there despite the anxiety, and accepted all social offers however unlikely they seemed.

Your DS might feel that list of things is way too daunting. So did DS. He built up to it over a year or more. And each step was painful and fraught with anxiety and self doubt and lots of stumbles on the way. But he kept trying.

Squirrelsnut · 06/04/2025 09:23

Thank you so much, @WinterFoxes . Everything you've suggested sounds really useful. X

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Angrymum22 · 06/04/2025 10:40

Is he interested in any sports? DS has a huge network of friends through sport, school and now Uni but sport was the main catalyst.

It doesn’t have to be a traditional sport, if you are near a river look at rowing clubs, rowers can be all shapes and sizes, it can be a single sport as well as a team activity and there is a strong social aspect. It also involves all age groups.

If not sport then maybe some other interest. My Dneph refused school in his early teens due to severe anxiety. He has recently improved, passed his driving test and taken some of his exams. He is learning a language in a social environment ( language cafe) because he wants to visit the country. He is gradually becoming more independent.

He is also finding it easier to build friendships in an environment where people have similar interests.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 06/04/2025 11:21

I was thinking along the same lines as @Angrymum22
with my questions but I can see looking back at my post that by themselves it’s not a helpful response. Good luck @Squirrelsnut I hope you are able to support your son.

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