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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yr old son being left behind by friends

8 replies

Whyamithisway · 04/04/2025 18:20

My son has always struggled socially. He doesn't have a diagnosis of anything but was picked up early on in school , they helped him with social stories etc. He had obsessions over certain children and tried to force people to be friends with him.
As he matured he settled into a great group of friends who seemed to accept him for who he is and now years later they still all hang out together even though my son now goes to a different school.
Even though my son is 14 i would say developmentally he is around 12. He's always been about 2 years behind. These other lads are starting to become more and more independent, venturing far from home, going into town, today they have taken a train somewhere after school to go for burgers. They go to theme parkts at the weekend and go biking . They did invite my son today but he couldn't go as had no money and no way of getting to them.
He has now spent the last few hours sulking. This happens a lot. Where and when i can I will take him to join them but can't always as I am at work, or don't have enough money to give him, (their parents seem to give them unlimited money) and I can't take his bike to where they go as we don't have a van like they all do.
I can tell that they are raging ahead with this and he is being left behind. He wants to join in but also doesn't as doesn't feel completely ready to be totally independent like them.
Also when he has tried previously, things always happen such as he gets separated from the group or he gets lost and calls us in a panic. Or his bike will break when they are out. Or he will get injured. It's always him.
These boys are really lovely but in reality he doesn't fit in with them. He puts on an act and he isn't that personality at all . He would do much better with a quieter group of boys who game and listen to music and hang out at each other's houses.
I really worry about him as he never seems happy and is always trying to fit in yet knows that he doesn't. How can I help him with this?

OP posts:
Mylegishangingoff · 04/04/2025 22:27

Ah social issues are so hard, you have my sympathy. I have a son with autism and it has been so difficult to watch sometimes as he tries to navigate the teenage years and socialing.

Are there any groups he can join where he might meet different kids? You say he is at a different school to these kids are there any kids there he can work on friendships with? Clubs he can join at break or after school to get to know people better(I'm in Ireland so don't really know what they offer in the UK). I know it's really difficult when they are teens because you can't exactly force them to do these things. A lot of it is just advising them where you can and letting them learn from their own experiences.

Sallycinnamum · 04/04/2025 22:38

I sympathise OP as my DS is similar in that he just hasn't matured as quickly as his friends and is yet to find his tribe.

The only thing that I have found that helped him is the scouts, which he really enjoys and has friends there.

Its so hard to sit and watch but you have to let him get on with it and gently find his own way. Easier said than done I know.

PeppermintPatty10 · 04/04/2025 22:38

I completely agree with @Mylegishangingoff above - are there any other groups or clubs he can join? I think getting a bit more diversity in the people he hangs out with would be better than trying to keep up with these lads. He might get to know one or two groups of teens who are more similar to him, enjoying gaming and listening to music, and it would be good for his confidence to feel like he has a choice of who to spend time with, instead of only having these friends.

He sounds like a really nice boy, OP!

Octavia64 · 04/04/2025 22:41

You can get bike racks that go on the back of cars.

if he wants more money maybe suggest a paper round or Saturday job. Did wonders for my teen’s social skills.

TheCurious0range · 04/04/2025 23:06

This sounds less like his social skills and more like you are unable to facilitate the same activities as his friends' parents. That's not your fault, but it's not his either.

Original poster
Whyamithisway · 05/04/2025 11:01

He has a different large group of friends at his school but his school is far away on a bus and they all live in a wide area of over 30 miles so don't currently see each other outside of school. Unfortunately he has done exactly the same there and gravitated towards the "cool group" even though he doesn't fit in with them. He has told me he does it for protection mostly and that people will consider him to be cool too. We have tried to explain to him that he should be proud of who he is and should just be himself. And be with people that are similar to him, he would then he able to relax and just be himself instead of putting this act on but he just won't at the moment.
His original group of friends all live on the same estate as us and are out together all of the time. He wants to be with them as feels like he is missing out otherwise.

OP posts:
OldSkooler · 05/04/2025 21:00

Whyamithisway · 05/04/2025 11:01

He has a different large group of friends at his school but his school is far away on a bus and they all live in a wide area of over 30 miles so don't currently see each other outside of school. Unfortunately he has done exactly the same there and gravitated towards the "cool group" even though he doesn't fit in with them. He has told me he does it for protection mostly and that people will consider him to be cool too. We have tried to explain to him that he should be proud of who he is and should just be himself. And be with people that are similar to him, he would then he able to relax and just be himself instead of putting this act on but he just won't at the moment.
His original group of friends all live on the same estate as us and are out together all of the time. He wants to be with them as feels like he is missing out otherwise.

He's in high school, it's basically a popularity contest. He's doing what he needs to do to survive. It'll get easier as they get older and more mature and he can hang around with like minded people but for now it seems like he understands the rules and how to play the game.

OldSkooler · 06/04/2025 08:10

Also, you can fit a bike in a car, you don't need a van or a rack. When my son was into biking I used to regularly fit his full sized mountain bike in my very small car when I was giving him lifts, it was a squeeze but we managed. You take the front wheel off and turn the handlebars sideways.

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