Social media?

[SunnyGreenPombear]

Hello!
This has probably been asked 1 billion times, but I really would love to hear other people's views on this, and maybe also pitch them to my daughter. My daughter is 12, just recently started secondary school. She has a phone for travel purposes, going to and back from school and she has What's App as we went travelling (prior to secondary school, she was about 10/11) and I wanted her to be able to stay in touch with friends. I monitor her phone and she has time restrictions.
I study Child psychology and have worked with children for a long time, it's my absolute passion alongside children's mental health. I am wondering if maybe I have over studied because now I am so worried of the consequences of not just social media, but her phone in general on her whole entire wellbeing.
So I have told her she cannot have social media until she is at least 14. It's all she talks to me about now and most times it ends in tears, she says I don't listen to her, I shut her down. I have listened to her argument and I feel as though this is just going to keep happening until I say yes but it is putting such a strain on our relationship and clearly is impacting her negatively as she is saying she is missing out at school, people think she is weird, she can't make friends etc...
I feel awful and wonder if I'm actually doing more damage then good!
I really would love to hear views on this and also if you let your children have phones, social media etc and when?
Thank you for reading and helping me in this tricky internet parenting stage we find ourselves in!

She’s guilt tripping you. I like Jennifer Garner’s approach - she told her kids that when they bring her a study that shows social media is good for kids, then she’ll discuss it.

Stick to your guns. Social media is not going to help her make friends - that’s what WhatsApp is for - arranging to meet up IRL!

This is what I think I needed. I felt guilty!
I have said those exact words and just hope in the long run she will thank me for it.
I also think she is struggling so much in general already, social media just isn't going to help it in anyway. She is comparing herself to others such a lot and generally struggling to find where she fits, I think social media is really going to emphasise on those challenges!
Thank you for reaffirming my views!

My oldest is 17 and my only rule is - no apps that connect to strangers online. So WhatsApp is ok for school friends but no insta or TikTok or Snapchat etc. I’ve explained that is they wouldn’t talk to a stranger in the streets, why do they need to talk online. And so far they’re ok with that.

Honestly, don’t back down. I did and it caused so many problems. The bitching that goes on, the fighting. Drugs being offered on snap chat, the number of kids sending nudes and being exposed to things they shouldn’t. I don’t know any parent that believes letting their child have socials resulted in anything positive for them. Listen to the anxious generation by Jonathan Haidt……psycho genic transmission re self harm, body dysmorphia, trans 🤷🏼‍♀️

I didn’t even let my child have a phone for secondary after doing lots of research, mostly about social media, but also some awful WhatsApp stories, but in the end I did let them have a non smartphone, so they have a phone for just text and calls. So I have no worry, because they cant even see emojis, let alone some dodgy link on WhatsApp. They are absolutely fine without any social media, real life friends just text to make plans. I think of it as though they’re asking you for some cigarettes or alcohol, or worse- why would you say yes to any of those just because your child had a protest?

It’s really really hard. We tried to hold off with our oldest and ended up with a tearful resentful girl who felt she was being excluded because all her friends communicated via Snapchat. Other parents thought we were odd / over harsh. We gave in by end of year 7.

It IS how they communicate with their friendship group whether you like it or not. Not sure they will “thank you later” either. Not sure Jennifer Garners kids are a great example either one of them seems extremely strange.

End result dd1 a gorgeous sensible calm intelligent 18 year old with lovely friends and stellar results heading off to university. Communicating her friends via apps doesn’t seem to have led to a life of bitching and drugs.

Anecdotally the only teens who didn’t use the apps were the lone wolf ones who were isolated anyway. Sorry to tell you this but a social teen you have flat out banned will have a burner phone you don’t know about or will be on their mates account. Sorry but they will.

My DS is 12 and in Y7. He has WA but nothing else. He begs for Snapchat and I’m clear that as it’s something that you need to be 13yrs to use, he needs to wait until then. Tbh he is lucky to have WA. I’m strict because he is already obsessed with tech and could spend hours on a laptop / phone / any kind of screen. Snapchat is designed to be super addictive with snap streaks etc. I have an older daughter so I’m familiar with the way it pulls in kids and keeps them on the platform for as long as possible. I believe there are some new safety features but there are some things about it that I don’t like such as snap maps which identify your location. And I don’t trust my 12 year old to be able to turn off some of these features. So it’s a clear ‘no’ from me for now. Of course he tells me ‘everybody’ in his year has it, which I suspect is exaggerated & yes he probably does feel ‘left out’ to a degree but I’m holding firm. I told him we could have the conversation again when he is 13 but it’s not a guaranteed ‘yes’ by any means. I’m not sure how the conversation is going to go when he does reach 13 because honestly I hate the platform and would love it to be banned for anyone under 16 - I don’t suspect that will happen within the next 7 months though…

Thank you so much for your responses it's always good to see things from other points of views. We have spoken together and we have both decided yes she can have it but there will be restrictions and it will be monitored. I do feel as though a blanket ban is going to cause her to resent me and I feel the more I push back the more she will want it. Hopefully if I just let her have it the novelty will wear thin and she will be unbothered by it eventually... Wish me luck!!