Just had a clash with my 15 year old, as she made a racist comment

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I’m actually shocked as she has never said anything like this before and I thought she never would.
She has just come home from
school after doing an assessment under exam conditions. Just the other day, she had some highlights put through her hair and was feeling quite good about herself. During the assessment a boy who had annoyed her loads at primary school walked past her and made an unkind comment about her hair.
He is Chinese. She came home upset and told me what the ‘crazy chinky’ had said.
I called her out on this language straightaway. I was calm but firm. She told me what he had said but I replied that she had dragged herself down to his level or worse.
She called me the world’s most annoying person and locked herself in her room, refusing to even tell me how the assessment went.
I am absolutely sick of her emotional immaturity and inability to take responsibility. She always lashes out when reprimanded.
How should I have handled this? Probably to let her calm down before telling her off, but I was just shocked

You did the right thing. You made it clear that making a racist comment wasn’t acceptable. She, being a moody 15 year old, didn’t like that you reprimanded her, but that’s pretty normal.

You did the right thing, don't despair. These sort of racist remarks need to be nipped in the bud.

You did the right thing. I remember a lot of my tantrums of this kind as a teenager were out of embarrassment.

She knows it was wrong. She got called out and getting angry is easier than reflecting and accepting. Likely she had friends who say this kind of stuff and it’s been normalised and she forgot herself around you.

Whether you’ll be able to change how she speaks in front of others is left to be seen but you showed her you don’t find it acceptable and won’t tolerate it. Good for you.

Its extraordinarily likely that in ten years she will be lay in bed cringing over this memory and be mortified at the way she behaved.

I don’t think you are wrong. HOWEVER, maybe your initial response should have been to comfort her and then later when she feels better have a conversation about her worrying language.

Unfortunately she may now conflate the two and see your shock at her language as you being in support of the bullying boy rather than her.

Although you are right to pull her up on her language, did you support her against what was said?
I also get the feeling that he has probably done/said more to her than just at primary school.
Are you down playing him being annoying?

Have you spoken to her about what has been going on with this boy?

Thanks very much everyone
I absolutely gave her support over what he said, and agreed that he is an idiot.
But my first reaction was to call her out.
We’ve since had a bit of a restorative chat and she apologised. Suspect it was only to shut me up

YABU expecting emotional maturity from a 15yo.

I think I would have done the same. Zero tolerance for that in my house.

You did the right thing making sure she knows racist derogatory comments are not tolerated no matter what. Her response was pretty standard, she wanted you to acknowledge her feelings and upset and let her know you agree that he was an idiot, unfortunately her comment could not go unchecked. In saying that he humiliated her and commented on her appearance which no doubt made her uncomfortable and self conscious so I would find a way to acknowledge that with her and let her know he was in the wrong.

YABU expecting emotional maturity from a 15yo.
This, they are probably at their most emotionally immature and self absorbed at 15!

You did the right thing calling her out on using that language.

She is 15 OP.
Not sure why you expect her to be emotionally mature!😉

Because someone laughing at your dyed hair is on the same level as incredibly racist. There’s no excuse for racism.

Maybe her initial response would have been to comfort her but that was sidetracked due to her DDs racist language?

OP, I would have reacted in exactly the same way. It’s not up to you to make your DD feel better now, shes the one in the wrong.

Has your daughter had remarks about her hair before ? Out of interest what is your/her ethnic background? I’m just wondering if she’s acting defensively and maybe needs a very gentle approach if so .

When DS as a bit younger, maybe 13, he called out something racist says by a classmate, but along the lines of “that’s racist you fat pig.” He got a detention for the fat pig element. He was really annoyed but I told him that the school was right to take action. It was part of a conversation on social media and I think he learnt an important lesson. Sounds like you’ve 100% done the right thing.

Thanks everyone. She’s ginger and has MANY a comment made over the years, generally only by boys
She had a few blonde highlights put in and was feeling good about herself.
I should add that she didn’t say anything to him, only to me. Doesn’t make it right, but she wouldn’t do that. The boy’s still an absolute pain in the tits, regardless of race!

I think choosing your battles is key here. This individual has been bullying your DD for a number of years.

Clearly she shouldn’t be using racist language. However, she didn’t use it towards him and I think it’s normal that people become less inhibited when talking to people close to them.

I might have gently told her not to use that word, but I don’t think berating her and calling her worse than him was necessary when she was clearly already in a fragile state.