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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

13 year old son.... and his terrible behaviour

8 replies

Definitelynotme2022 · 31/03/2025 13:56

I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do next.

Ds is 13, he's the youngest of 4 but only dd18 at home now. I have 2 grown up ds's, with a different father.

Xh and I separated over a year ago now. For various legal reasons (probate etc) we are still legally living in the same house, although he stays with his gf except for 2 weekday nights and Friday and Saturday every other weekend. He's been with her for nearly a year .......... yes, I know. It probably is what it looks like.
I'm also with someone and I stay with him on the nights that xh is here, although I don't have to, my xh has been fairly abusive to me so I'd rather not be there.

So..... ds has never liked school. He finds it difficult and he's come to hate it. He has a history of school refusal for over a year, but I'd mainly got it sorted. But he's being using it, I think, as form of control over his father. Initially, it was just the days that he was with his father - no homework would be done, and he'd refuse to go in. This meant that I'd have to go in to him on my way to work and get him to school, making me late, as xh just goes to work.

The has now increased and he's difficult 90% of the time, but this morning, for instance, he was absolutely no bother at all. Last night he refused point blank to do his homework, and he already has an hours detention after school today for messing around in class last week. We now have two incidences of him stealing alcohol. One was on Saturday when he must have been going through his sister's room with his friend who was over for a sleepover. My xh didn't hear them, but he goes to bed really early and has never heard the kids. Ever. So now sleepovers are banned.

All he wants to do is go out with his friends. If I said no, I'm pretty sure that he'll just go anyway.

Help!! I literally don't know what to do for the best at the moment.

OP posts:
FeistyFrankie · 31/03/2025 14:38

Are you for real? Can't you see that your living arrangements with your ex are causing your son to misbehave???

He hasn't been given any time or space to process what has happened. Instead you've both worked out a "schedule" of who stays at the house with absolutely zero regard for how this makes your son feel. I'm guessing he's extremely confused. Hence the poor behaviour.

Either you or your ex needs to permanently move out and you need to make proper contact arrangements, unless of course you want your son to go even more off the rails.

Octavia64 · 31/03/2025 14:41

It seems fairly obvious that the separation is causing your son some problems.

you say your ExH has been abusive to you. Has he been abusive to your son? (Would you know if he had?)

Definitelynotme2022 · 31/03/2025 14:54

FeistyFrankie · 31/03/2025 14:38

Are you for real? Can't you see that your living arrangements with your ex are causing your son to misbehave???

He hasn't been given any time or space to process what has happened. Instead you've both worked out a "schedule" of who stays at the house with absolutely zero regard for how this makes your son feel. I'm guessing he's extremely confused. Hence the poor behaviour.

Either you or your ex needs to permanently move out and you need to make proper contact arrangements, unless of course you want your son to go even more off the rails.

Edited

Yes, unfortunately I am completely for real - but thank you for comment.

I'm in the process of buying the house and the financial negotiations with my ex.... because my son desperately wants to stay in the house. Unfortunately my ex continues to wield the legal right that he has to stay in the house as some kind cosh to batter me with in the mistaken belief that I can then hurry this all up. Unfortunately I've also been dealing with probate, the sale of my parent's house and wating on various investments and HMRC for this all to be finalised. And then he moved the goalposts and started to pursue a financial claim on my inheritance for my parents.

So my son really has been through the wringer.... In 2023 we lost both my parents within 5 months of each other, and he was very close to them. Then I seperated from my ex and then resultant shit show that has ensued.

And no, my ex won't move out.....not until he legally has to

OP posts:
Definitelynotme2022 · 31/03/2025 14:55

Octavia64 · 31/03/2025 14:41

It seems fairly obvious that the separation is causing your son some problems.

you say your ExH has been abusive to you. Has he been abusive to your son? (Would you know if he had?)

He would say not..... I would disagree.

It's not physical abuse. It's controlling and emotional abuse. He's a narcissist. Which of course he doesn't agree with.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 31/03/2025 14:58

Get your son away from your ex.

it seems clear your ex is treating him very badly. Your son’s behaviour will continue to get worse while this situation continues.

Definitelynotme2022 · 31/03/2025 14:59

I don't disagree with you, but right now I actually don't have anywhere to take him and I genuinely don't think that my ex will leave. I know he won't....

OP posts:
Definitelynotme2022 · 31/03/2025 15:00

I will speak to my ex again. Fingers crossed that he will see sense.

OP posts:
JMSA · 31/03/2025 15:37

I feel for you, I really do Flowers
But yeah, those are car crash living conditions for a teen, or indeed any child. Sorry Sad

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