13 Year Daughter - Confused Parents

[TiredParent999]

Long story short .
13 year Daughter. From last two years having difficulty with her .

1. She behaves rude to parents and she says it's ok to shout scream and yell .
2. we are not sure if she understands us or not or if we are not communicating well to her.
3. both parents are soft, nice , well displined. When we see shout we often say not to do that, she gets more frustration and shouts screams back.
4. she suddenly gets mood change and talk badly rude . She is fine with friends and outside but with parents she has this problem..
5. we love her so much but she co.plains we don't love her or we love his brother more or she takes few examples where we said to her to ve nice and she says we don't like her , cries , hurt her and then talks bad with us about us.

It is hard to see her like that and the negative energy or negative thinking she has on us and how badly she is going in wrong direction in life without having good bonding and talk with parents in a good and nice environment.

The more we say to her how we love ..etc on that day she stops after lot of crying . Again same story repeats . Being parents we did what ever we can do to her and protect grow her but she takes only examples she don't like and don't even think what we did to her how we grown her with love .

Pls help us . Everyday at home is like he'll crying and being emotionally drained with her words or act .

Pls help. I have seen my brother in my life who is exactly like this blame parents for everything , aggressive and blackmailing parents to any level .

Sadly my daughter I see her going in same direction. Not sure is any act of me and my husband made her do like this ? How can we grow be confident , resilience and good human.

Well as a hormonal 13 ye old girl, yes life can be pretty tricky.

However, what consequences does she face for such bad behaviour?

Sounds quite normal at 13 tbh!
Spend quality time with her, individually.
keep telling her you love her and be her best friend regardless of how she behaves. She is pushing the boundaries and maybe testing you to see if you do really care.. prove to her you do. Lots of luck xx

"How to Talk So Teens Will Listen" is a good book by Faber and Mazlish
"Get out of My life but first take me and Alex Into Town" is another good one.

Teenagers brains are literally rewiring at this age. Bits of their neural pathways go missing ...and they reconnect later...it's a time when they are learning enormous amounts. It's not your fault you have to bear the brunt of this.

But there is plenty you can do in the meantime. Firstly don't assume your daughter is like your brother. Or that you are like your parents. Don't make a narrative for her which is negative. She is probably picking up on this. Teenagers are insanely sensitive to criticism whilst uniquely unaware of how rude they are themselves
Pick your battles. If she swears or shouts pay no attention, what is she actually after? Hungry? Worried about school? Tired? Respond to what she is trying to say underneath the bad behaviour..maybe she wants you to listen to something trivial and you've asked her about something that's unimportant to HER.
Their rooms are always a mess, they care deeply about their appearance and what their friends think about them. You they can rely on and pleasing you is as the bottom of the to do list ..they a re wired by God and nature to become independent and bond with peers which is why pleasing you is low priority

But your love and support is essential to her. She counts on it even if she swears at you.

Just keep picking your battles, don't be bullied, don't be manipulated but ask every day what are the basics I want to offer and don't withdraw them or make them contractual. Don't bribe or cajole or expect gratitude. It isn't a contract. She won't be obedient or compliant (unless you had done something wrong back when she was younger...compliance is a dangerous thing)

Good luck and keep strong and keep listening. You are doing a great job and she knows it. Feel confident

god - I am parent to a 13 year old boy who is EXACTLY like this. tears/ door slamming/ does not want to spend any time with us- but is often bored, doesn't know what to do.

Upset/ shouts about minor things - very baffling to all of us - sometimes becomes completely overcome with rage.

I dont know the answer but I think they are a bit like toddlers. I think school is draining and hard and they are run out of energy afterwards.

She is working out where she fits in the world. It can be confusing if your brain and your hormones are tying you up in knots. Keep telling her you love her, she knows it really, but is testing the boundaries to make sure, but make sure the boundaries are secure, if she says unkind things then tell her that is unacceptable and that she needs to watch her language and her behaviour.

The bottom line might be proper meals and snacks provided. Some laundry done for her, some she does herself. Asking her about her day. It doesn't have to be lifts ( I didn't drive so I couldn't give them) or gifts or money but probably some nice clothes, toiletries and a small weekly pocket money (which can be added to by a few chores if she chooses but not otherwise and the chores are her choice if she wants to earn the extra.) a warm house. Her bottom line should be to know what you expect of her...getting up in the morning, bringing her laundry downstairs, personal hygiene..regular showers or baths, going to bed at a certain time, lights off, phone charging downstairs at 9pm, attending school and doing basics there.

She doesn't have to do really well at school she just has to get through it, it's up to her but you are there to help and advise if she has difficulties. Don't tell her what she "should" be doing. Ask her what she thinks of situations rather than telling her what she should think.

I have had three teenagers. One a very highly strung daughter. But we survived and she is a great companion, has done well in school and college whilst remaining a free spirit in many ways.

Hmm , Ya it needs lot of patience . I feel like our heart needs to be like a stone without emotional reactions looking at them shouting or screaming at us.

Especially for sensitive people hard to deal .

Ya I decided what ever she does I will do what I can to her without judgement. It needs discipline and deal one day at a time but show love and spend time with her . May be one day God will understand and she changes and understand me more .

Give us some tips if you know how we can deal with teens , it will help many parents and make them sleep happy.

Hi ,

I would like to get some tips or ideas to handle the stress or emotional roller coaster .

After last msg I thought to be as much patience and share love on what ever she does however today I have faced a new incident.

My teenage daughter and 8 year son are playing and i think my daughter tried to scare him which he didn't like andstarted crying . I have went and said to her Don't scare him as he is walking up in the night with fear .

After a minute she started arguing with me that you love him more than me and I am trying to say no I love both of you and no parent loves one better than other . I am just saying as he is fearing .

She started screaming loud , shouting and doing aggressive stuff . I left her for few hours thought she will cool down . After couple of hours she again brought the same topic and pulling me into discussion and throwing stuff , shutting doors or screaming loud .

My husband tried to cool her my staying some nice words it's ok ..etc She started saying you both are same and you both are problem in my life . I want to go out and leave without you blah blah . Her body language , way of talk , usage of words are like a sharp knife hitting us at heart .

Even though we tried to be positive, however if we speak one word also she is treating n talking bad ..

We both are sensitive and good parents . Not sure how to solve this problem . She is a good girl outside with relatives ..etc

The main problem she has is

A) She don't take any feedback or suggestion or if we are anyone tell her anything to follow.

Being parents if we she does something we tey to tell her at the same time we show her love , give freedom. . Because as parents we try to tell her she thinks we ruined her life and she thinks very negative about us
She does the same thinking with her school teachers and her grades are coming down as her behaviour pulling her down Instead of learning.

If we just chill and don't say anything she is fine but she behaves bad, she talks bad with her brother . Outside ppl don't say anything , she thinks her friends or uncles n aunts are better and happy there .

Pls tell any ideas how we can such kids who always thinks parents are nagging, parents don't love or parents are not worth .

Can you pls help . Any psychologist with whom we can talk online is als o fine. Please help .

I think the best option is getting her to seek help with the goal of understanding why there is so much aggression that she has against you. Of course sometimes teenagers slam doors, scream and shout, etc, but this is out of line.

I just want to reassure you that she sounds like a typical teenager. This is most definitely the hardest period of parenting, in my book anyway. Somebody once told me this is nature’s way of separating and detaching from us, and preparing parents for letting go. No matter what you do, you are the closest to her so she will take everything out on you. It’s her hormones controlling her body.
All you can do is out in boundaries on what is acceptable, and try not to take it personally. I try to imagine my son as the hulk, and every now and again the hulk comes out and he can’t control himself, but he goes back to being human again. Outsiders only ever get to see the human side.
As parents our job is to teach them along the way. If they call us names or are horrible to us, correct them and tell them what you will and will not tolerate.
my advice as a parent looking back, give her more space to be herself. She is trying to enforce her independence. Make sure it is safe, and then let her spread her wings.

Try not to take it so personally when she says mean things, eg when you talk about a sharp knife hitting your heart. She's doing it to provoke a reaction from you, not because she really means it. Stay calm and repeat "we love you but we can't let you scare your little brother". This is a normal teenage phase and it doesn't mean she's a bad person. If you take it too seriously you will escalate the situation and make it worse.

Sounds like a hormonal 13 year old.