Lonely 13 year old daughter

[diseyw]

My daughter has been at secondary school for 2 years now having come from a very small village primary school. She made a "best" friend almost straight away but I have always worried that she doesn't have any other good friends, she relies on this one friend a lot. Now another girl seems to be trying to break up the friendship and is always inviting my daughters best friend to her house after school and at weekends and leaving my daughter out. My daughter wont say anything to either girl, she hates confrontation and is scared of embarrasing herself but wont stick up for herself either. I dont know how much to interfere or try to help or whether I should encourage her more to find other friends, which she says all have best friends anyway so why would they want to be her friend. Any ideas or advice please?

Does she go to any out of school clubs or activities where she might meet more children from other schools?

the first 2 yrs of secondary are hard on the friends front

everyone is chopping and changing groups
by the time they get to yr10 they have stabilised but ime it takes a while.

I would definitely encourage her to make different friends and not to rely on this one girl

encourage her to join groups etc

She must sit next to other kids in other lessons,there must be someone she could ask to go into town with,or invite to go shopping.She sounds like she needs a confidence boost .

Does she do any outside activities? I would try and foster some friendships that way. It is difficult because there isn't much that you can do with friendships at school except encourage her to seek some new ones. Now that the better weather is here could you go somewhere at the weekend and get her to invite someone?

Thanks for your advice, she is being a bit negative about doing any outside of school activities as "I wont know anyone". She is lacking confidence at the moment but we have had a talk about trying to make new friends at school and not relying so much on this one girl. She is a bit upset tonight, just hope things improve for her soon.

Is there is a club or activity that she could join at school that would bring her into contact with others?

could you approach it a different way?

she may feel intimidated about joining a group activities (e.g. guides or a sports team etc) because she may be anxious that that group will already be 'established'. Assuming she feels anything liek I used to.

Maybe you could look at activities that are fairly individual but give a chance to gain confidence and meet people as an aside.. horseriding, trampolining, snow boarding lessons..

something deemed 'cool' like snowboarding might also give status at school as well aas being great for confidence and fitness.

does she have any friend in your street?

13 is a very self-conscious age isn't it?

feel very sorry for you and your dd. Everyone's right...she needs to broaden her friendships - and also interests.

Find out if there's anyone else in school she gets on with. Suggest inviting a couple of other girls over to your house?

You may have to give her the lines...if she's afraid of approaching people. Are they doing any group projects at school where she could get her group over to your house to work and have a pizza? Offer to collect them or drop em home?

Do some role play of how she could make new friends?

Make a few enquiries yourself about what hobbies/sports people are doing...find out whether a newbie can just drop in, and then casually say to dd "I've heard thingy down the road goes to a great hip-hop class and they're looking for more members...let's nip down there and watch the class"

Good luck.

I was quite a lonely child. I really enjoyed outdoor, environmental things, but my parents never suggested D of E, guides or other stuff, and I wasn't confident enough to put myself forward for such things. I really wish my parents had put me onto these groups esp. the D of E- the idea of awards would really have boosted my confidence.
My DH is a Youth Worker, they are really good at helping children in this situation- they may be worth a call. He does detached youthwork- she wouldn't necessarily have to go to a youth club if that's not her bag.

I wondered if you had something in the village like guides where one of the leaders might be persuaded to come to your house and talk to her about joining, it would be less daunting than just going along.13 is a difficult age, especially if you are shy.

Does she like Drama this gave DD3 a lot of confidence and she has a lot of friends in her from her Drama club,

This sounds like me as a 13year old - best friend for 2 years, then split and desperately lonely. Also painfully shy. And it never really sorted itself out either.

My parents were keen for me to 'join' things and it was a disaster tbh. My self-confidence plummeted even further.

I'd say whatever you do don't force her into anything, you have to start from a point where she is comfortable eg a hobby, interest at school or outside. But I think the key thing is dont expect miracles or anything instant (this was mistake my parents made - I always felt under pressure to make friends, and always failing). What she needs is something to make her feel good about herself and confident. Then the confidence to approach others will follow .. eventually.