Can I get a sense check on how this teenage boys day looks?

[Punzel]

This is DS, 13, in year 8.
For context, goes to a super selective grammar so some academic pressure and lots of testing.
Plays sport every day of the week except Monday.

So today
Got up at 730, got a train to his football fixture, played the match, burger with friends, train back, got home about 11.30
Showered, declined anything to eat, had about a ten minute chat with us
Disappeared to his room just after 12
Reappeared just now, helped me put shopping away. Said he’s done homework and is playing Fifa.
Has now gone back up, said will be down about 4.30 to play football with his brother (9yo) or watch some TV
Tonight we will eat as a family and watch a movie together.

Does this seem too much time in his room? His Xbox is limited to 3 hours a day on weekends and his phone and Xbox switch off at 8pm. I feel like nowadays if he’s not playing sport or at school or out with us doing something specific he’ll be in his room playing
Xbox. He’s very helpful in the home, excelling at school, loving and affectionate but I just feel he’s always up there and the rest of us are down here!
I can give more details of his daily routine other days if it helps.
Thanks

Whats the relevance that he goes to a super selective school?

Does he also have a phone? Do you have any limits on that? And is he allowed it in his room.

We have a no tech upstairs rule for kids and their guests. It's for their own safety.

Xbox is OK I guess but if he's got his phone too, you don't really know what he's doing.
He's spending more than the 3 allotted xbox hours alone in his room.

That’s he flying academically.

Just that it’s a reasonably pressured school environment which might have informed opinions.
Phone yes, he has. I keep a close check on it as best I can. He can’t download any apps without me saying OK. He hasn’t got YouTube. It goes off at 8.

I think he sounds fantastic teenager.
Gets himself up and organised and to his sport, got himself fed and home.
Helped you with some chores
Will play with his little brother and eat dinner with you all...
Honestly I'm not sure why your worried?
Do you recall being that age ? Did you not spend time in your room ...either on phone to friends or trying out nailpolish or make up or flicking through Just17 ???
We all need downtime...

He got up at 730 on a Saturday. You are winning at this 🤣

An anecdote that possibly only applies to me that I find interesting….

between my 2 girls, they have 3 friends whose parents are both oxbridge, super clever, and super high flying careers. As far as I know these 6 parents don’t know each other. They are all the most relaxed parents!! Kids basically allowed to do anything, no rules on phones. Yet these dc are all the absolute high flyers, the kind of dc that are 10x9s, plus head girl, plus lead in school team, plus captain of A football team.
it’s fascinating!

Yes but maybe the kids didn’t need the phone rules because they are naturally disciplined kids who can balance addictive tech with excelling at life!
It is a bit chicken and egg.

I think it is a bit like that @Punzel
the parents just have - high -expectations and it isn’t really talked about, or even cared, how they get there, the dc need to work out for themselves that 12 hours of gaming isn’t a good idea. And do.

I would agree. We had moderately strict screen time when they were little, and they were comparatively late getting phones (not until high school). We don't have any real rules around it now for the older ones (12 and 14) but so have quite effective parental controls on the WiFi, which also switches off at night. (We are in a signal black zone, so if they did manage to get online on signal alone there would be little point.

The younger child, 7, is allowed probably more screentime than they were at his age, in part because the family works differently now and is busier. He is still only allowed certain amounts of time on m particular things at certain times.

The oldest (14 yr old girl) has developed in to an insanely disciplined little person. The middle (12 yr old boy) is more laid back and needs a bit more prompting to get up and on with it, but always has his alarm set, bag packed, out of the door on time type thing.

Sounds fine to me.

In our house there are some days that the kids spend most of the day in their rooms and only venture out for snacks, and others when we spend most of the day downstairs together (assuming it's a day we're home). It all depends on what we've been doing in the week, if we're feeling stressed, how much work I have or how much homework the elder one has, what the youngest is feeling like doing (anything from baking to playing computer games - totally unpredictable)

We eat dinner together every night, and I drive them both 2 and from school so we have plenty of time to talk/hang out as well.

We do have high expectations, and have always facilitated them...hence the bloody 0445 get up this morning 🙄🥱 They've always known they need to lead proactive lives, and as long as they're active participants in them when they are at home they can chill etc.

Yes, I will say, that my kids have unlimited device time (although it's always plugged in overnight - bedtime is bedtime - luckily they both like their sleep), and so far it doesn't seem to have caused any harm - in fact my eldest excels in History and Geography purely because of one of the computer games he plays, and Science because he mainly watches you tube videos rather than TV, and prefers the factual ones.

The youngest is a slightly different kettle of fish, but I thank my lucky stars is still reasonable, and due to the good influence of his brother has often just followed his lead and not caused any issues (although his you-tube viewing tends towards crafts and cooking instead of history)

At 13 I spent most of the time I was at home, in my room. I played music and read, or just lay on my bed looking at the ceiling. It’s normal!

It sounds utterly normal.

If anything you sound quite strict to me! I guess if everyone in the family puts phones down at 8 that is fair enough.....

Certainly his day sounds balanced and given he works hard at school, down time at the weekend is vital. Do the rest of you interact as a family during the time he is in his room? Surely you all need a bit of me-time at the weekends?

My daughter is 12 and we tend to spend most of the weekend in the same room/location as each other (when she is with me - half the time is at her dad's) but that's just because we prefer to chill in our lounge/kitchen diner (it's a small flat) - we are not constantly interacting during that time - we might be reading, on phone, gaming in her case, watching, listening to, crafting, cooking etc. entirely different things, if you see what I mean. But I still think we are close, get on well and have a healthy relationship - in fact I think it would be unhealthy if we interacted for pretty much the entire weekend, not to mention exhausting!

As for any worries you might have about what he is getting up to or being exposed to on line, obviously no forms ofcontrol are completely guaranteed, and if he wants to get into trouble/bad stuff on line he will find a way, whatever restrictions you put in place. But as long as you communicate openly as a family and have a non-judgemental approach that would encourage him to be honest with you about anything he was feeling or that was worrying him, chances are everything will be fine.....

It sounds like you are doing a great job!
I have a 14 DS and 12DD - both are doing well within thier educational capacity and doing brilliantly at thier sports - DS plays football 3 times a week plus GCSE PE and DD plays netball 5 times a week.
We have no screen time limits but they must have thier school work done, chores completed and everything ready for the next day. Phones always downstairs an hour before bedtime, XBox has the same switch off time.
Personally I feel that as long as they have done what is expected of them, the rest of the day is thier free time. If they chose to quit thier sports and were in their rooms, gaming or on thier phones 24/7, it would be a very different conversation

Do you monitor his online friendships I.e do you know the people he is playing/chatting with online? If not, why don’t you move his devices out of his bedroom. My concern with your arrangement is who/m has access to your LO when he is alone in his bedroom.

My ds was similar at that stage, although x box is downstairs. He tends to spend less time playing online now. It tends to be how boys of a certain age/ interest communicate with each other. To an extent you need to accept that he is beginning the long process towards being a more independent person. It doesn't happen suddenly when he turns 18 and presumably goes to university. To be able to live an independent life he will probably start to spend more time away from you and the core family.

He is exercising, doing well at school, is polite and plays with his siblings. Sounds like he is doing well. Keep the lines of communication open and just be aware of who he is chatting with online.