How much freedom does your 13-year-old have?

[divinetimes]

im finding this age HARD to know what an appropriate amount of freedom and independence is. DS (13 and in yr 8) seems to want more independence but at the same time it was only 18 months ago he was in primary school and I had full control over pretty much everything.

how do you navigate friendships etc when you have no idea who the child or their parents are? Eg if your child asks to go to their friends after school. Ditto sleepovers.

‘Relationships’- DS has a ‘gf’ and wants to spend time together outside of school but I have no idea how to approach this. It’s probably all sweet and innocent but 13 just seems really young to validate ‘being in a relationship’

Social media- which apps are okay, do you limit screen time?

im wishing for the toddler days back, teen parenting is so much more complicated.

My son is year 8, age 12. He goes to town on the weekends with friends or to the park on bikes or to play football. He had a girlfriend for a month or so and they would meet in town on a Saturday or after school on occasion.

I do know the majority of his friends though which makes it easier. If he goes to a friends house, I know them because his friends are the same ones from primary and from football.

screen time wise- he has parental controls on his apps. He has snap chat and TikTok but a time limit on both. If I didn’t he would never get off! It goes on downtime at 9pm. If he wants a new app or extra time, he sends me a request to confirm it. He plays on his x box with friends at home if it’s rubbish weather or dark outside.

It's a leap of faith, and once at secondary school they do suddenly seem to start growing up mighty fast.

I generally let them go to a friend's house after school if they wanted to and would pick them up from there later. If that went well then fine, if not then they didn't go to that particular friend again.

I was fortunate in that two out of my three were quite good at picking great friends and were usually good judges of character. Those were DD1 and DD3. DD2 was much more hit or miss but she was hardly interested in going out after school anyway so it was not an issue very often.

Social media? I never really found all of the answers, but just keep a beady eye on things, try to stick to age limitations and have some parental controls set. If there's a way round those though they will find it (friends' phones and devices). You can't entirely control or stop it.

thanks for replying
Screen time rules sound very similar to my DS (although he claims we are super strict about it)
I am happy with him being out and about in town etc as I know where he is and what he’s doing. I’m more anxious about other peoples homes where I don’t know the family or children.

Also the girlfriend thing, I dont want to ‘ban’ a girlfriend but I’m not sure what’s appropriate boundaries wise. He has asked for her to come over or go to hers and I’m not sure. I’d rather they just met up for a walk or a trip somewhere. Also they seem to chat loads on SM with lots of OTT declarations of ‘I love you’ and ‘I hope we’re together forever’ which is a bit much 😅 They’re only 13.

I’m on my second teenager now. TBH I was shocked how serious ‘relationships’ got in year 8 with my first so definitely keep an eye and don’t assume all is naive and innocent.

That said my second one is also y8 now and not at all interested in having a girlfriend. Long may that last!

for ‘dates’ I’d rather they went bowling or similar (I’d give them a lift there and back) so they are in public and not left alone unsupervised.

You can't expect to know the family of his new friends at secondary school because of course parents don't all come across each other at the school gates or in the playground anymore.

You no longer do the school run as a matter of routine (your child would likely disown you if you tried it 🤣) and they get themselves there and back. Parental input not required unless they need to go to a club, get somewhere else or miss the bus.

Therein lies the leap of faith, but it has to be done. Set rules, such as coming straight home from school unless agreed in advance that there will be something else.

We are probably very strict compared to many parents but our 13 year old is not allowed social media at all. Luckily LO isn’t interested and is very involved with various activities that are not screen based.
We only allow sleepovers with friends we have known for a long time and know and trust their parents.
Unless parents are prepared to understand how social media algorithms work and monitor everything their child does online - I think they are asking for trouble.
Unfortunately it isn’t possible to keep children safe online.

At 13 mine were cycling to school and back on their own. They might stop off at a park with friends on the way home or at a friends for a bit but would mostly be home for dinner.

we had quite a few evening activities (cadets, sports etc) so they needed to be home for dinner so we could get out again.

they will have friends whose families you don’t know at this age. It’s the nature of secondary. mine usually hung out at weekends because weekdays were busy.

I never met some families.

My DD just turned 14, she can go round her friends when she wants and can go anywhere in town herself though she rarely does except to go to D&D club on Friday evenings, this is the first year that I don't know all her friends and their parents (primary school goes up to 13 in my country) so it's been an adjustment but you have to trust their judgement at some point. App wise she has Snapchat and insta, though doesn't post on insta, just follows her friends. Phone gets locked at night.

Relationships haven't come up with her yet, she's just not interested (though loves to tell me all the gossip with her friends relationships ), so not had to deal with that.

Ds is 13, year 8. He only has WhatsApp on his phone, but I'm under no illusion that he has friends that will be showing him tiktok etc. X box and VR go off at 8, phone at 9.15 as he has hobbies 3 times a week that finish at 9 and he'd be mortified if I met him at the door so I message to let him know where I'm parked!
I found year 7 hard without knowing his friends but now he's done a few school trips and there have been meetings I've met most of them very briefly. I seem to have become the mum that gives lifts bit I'm ok with that as I get to meet his new friends at least. Luckily those he still spends most time with are his friends from primary school.
He goes into town occasionally with a friend and they have firm boundaries on what's allowed. He's not allowed to hang around the park or streets at night, it's just a firm no at the moment and he isn't bothered. Daytime is fine, he can go out on his bike and to friends as long as I know where he is. If he wants to do something off plan he knows he has to let me know.

We haven't had girlfriends yet!
It's definitely a tough age - apparently every single child he knows gets unlimited screen time and stays up to whatever time they want 😁

No sleepovers. I wasn't keen on sleepovers in primary, but in secondary its a hard no.

I also have a 13 yo in y8. Phone wise he has WhatsApp and Snapchat but no other social media. In terms of seeing friends after school he has to ask first (in advance ideally) but we’d generally say yes even if we don’t really know the parents but would pick him up at an agreed time. This doesn’t happen often during the week though as he has a lot of clubs after school. Weekends he can hang out with friends in our village or nearby town but does need to let us know who he’s with and come home at an agreed time. He’s had a couple of ‘girlfriends’ but the most they have done is go to Costa in the village! One I knew from primary school, the other I didn’t but they each only lasted a few weeks.