Has your teen ever stopped talking to you for a few weeks or more? What to do!

[hutty]

Just that really!
Obviously a long story, not sure where to start… he’s 16, v successful academically, adhd, finds it hard to understand his own and others’ emotions. Recently he’s decided to stop talking to me, I’m just flummoxed! Love him so much, struggling to unpick it all. Looking for ideas of how to resolve - has this ever happened to you and how did you navigate it?

Is he in a mood / stroppy with it? Or genuinely stressed / depressed? Do you know the cause / moment that started it off? As I think all
of that would be relevant to what I’d try to do

Thanks for your reply, this is my first post. I think he’s trying to avoid conflict - he instigates arguments a lot, really unpredictably and frequently. Of course his view will be different! But from my perspective it seems like he’s found a way for us to not argue. It’s been weeks, I’ve been trying to give it space and honestly am grateful for the peace - but we can’t move forward without conversation and it’s making bad vibes every day

I don’t have experience of ADHD but I would tackle it head on and ask to speak calmly and constructively. It’s not healthy not talking through conflict so you’ll have to teach him how to navigate it with maturity.

That sounds tough. Is he having meals with you? Will he respond to text messages? Keep connecting with him. Leave him a note, things like his favourite chocolate bar or drink.
or any other food related treats.
Try inviting him to watch a film or tv with you. There doesn’t have to be much talking there.

I’ve tried many times to talk about it with him, texts etc but no response (just minimal texts on v practical necessities)

That’s a really cute idea leaving him chocolate :)

My DD went through a phase like this age 14. She is also diagnosed with ADHD. She was full of rage and hurting a lot, mainly due to events at school. Despite it being very worrying, I can’t pretend the break from angry onslaughts wasn’t a relief. It passed. She’s now in a much better place mentally two years on, and our relationship is pretty good. She did go to therapy during that time but didn’t really engage. I think she needed to just retreat into herself for a while.

I would second Shrieking’s suggestions. I used to leave treats in her room a couple of times a week, run her a bath, and continued to talk to her and remind her she’s loved, without expectation of a response. Texting was the easiest method of communication.

Thanks Cherry, so reassuring!
Do you remember what the circumstances were that she started talking to you again?
It’s so hard coz I want to help him, talk things through etc

My son went through a long phase in his teens of being incredibly anti-me. He was grumpy and argumentative and his moods turned on a dime for no reason. He was horrible to all.of us but particularly horrible to me including avoiding walking with me in the rare occasions we went out as a family. He went off to uni and was diagnosed with ADHD and it was very unexpected but it does explain a lot including some of his quirks as a small child. It was subtle though. Each year at uni he has got more warm. Will even now tolerate a hug! Said he loved me a couple of times. 😊. I have to forgive him for the hurt, forgive myself that I had no clue how to handle it and move on. Hopefully your son will also come out of it and sooner than mine. It's bloody tough.

Aw thanks Creepy - happy for you that he’s permitting hugs and telling you he loves you now! It’s so hard isn’t it

Has something happened that you are not saying? Is he blaming you for something?,

i can’t work it out! Nothing obvious

If he's not really up to talking right now then saying you want to help him and being asked to talk things through could feel like a lot of pressure. I'd start with helping him feel comfortable to have a normal conversation again, no talks, no questions about how he's doing or why he's not talking, nothing deep, just a chat about something hes interested in. My mum always goes on about needing to talk, how important talking is and how much she wants to help and all it feels like a ton of pressure and makes me clam up. He may have selective mutism if him having adhd/anxiety are a possibility. Despite the title selective mutism isn't a choice nor is it reflective of your relationship. I either react to conflict by yelling back or by going mute. The later means I'm not coping or am scared in the case of my abusive ex. I think the treat idea is a good one.

Stop providing food, eh?

Sounds like possible selective mutism as an effort to reduce anxiety and stress. Have you looked into that? My dn is autistic and will have bouts of not speaking to my sister and bil.

You need to assure him you won't force him to speak to you, show him you love him and help him learn to trust you with it.

Its hard but try not to take it personally.

Then he is being very, very rude snd disrespectful. Deal with it as you would general poor behaviour. It isbt acceptable.

but also, silent treatment and bad at dealing with emotions i would be sending in to a counsellor.

Just want to add re selective mutism that it's not intentionally being rude, even though it looks and feels like that.

It's a flight or freeze response. He might be able to mask at school and with friends but knows he's still loved whether he speaks or not at home.

Keep trying with the texts. Send him random love hearts and remind him you’re there for him and is there anything you can do for him.
Did you say anything along the lines of “you’re always arguing”? It might be something you said perhaps that has had an impact you didn’t realise where he’s decided not to speak at all.
just keep showing him everyday that you’re there for him and you miss speaking with him.

Oh that brings back some awful
memories OP. Eventually I left the family home as family dynamic was hard for everyone (and probs between me and his dad anyway). I’m afraid it’s now 7 years since my son stopped talking to me. neither his twin sister nor his father nor anyone else has a clue why. He says everyone “ought to
know”. He simply will not discuss it. I’ve texted and made so many apologies, sone birthday and Xmas presents, kept in touch but nada. Zip. I - and he - have adhd. I urge you to take all the good advice above while things are still relatively new.

Not a teen but thought it might be useful to add my thoughts as someone with adhd. I was diagnosed as an adult but obviously had it as a teen without knowing.
when I’m stressed or going through hormonal changes or I have a lot on at work, the first thing to go is my speech. I can talk but it’s a huge huge effort and my mind is so overwhelmed that it’s difficult to process information and it’s a struggle to form coherent sentences. If someone asks me questions or wants to discuss their day or make plans, I feel irrationally angry. I have to tell my dh that I can’t chat at the moment so he can talk at me but I might not respond or take much in. I manage to keep it together for my dc but to be fair they are simple in their conversations anyway as children often are.
It doesn’t happen often to me but if your son has reached burn out it could take months for him to recover. I have had burn out a couple of times in my life and life was just so overwhelming and talking added to it so I went quiet for a long time. Dh took me away and I remember sitting on a beach for hours just watching people and saying nothing.
Unfortunately as your his safe space you will get the brunt of this.
As pp said just offer little treats to let him know you are there and you love him. Take as much pressure off as you can. Don’t make big plans and keep weekends free. Just let him rest and he will come round

That’s so tough, I’m sorry, must be so hard not knowing why for so long x

Omg I think I’m like your mum! Really useful to see it from your perspective, thanks. It’s super hard for me to not go in with the emotional stuff. My big worry is that he’s just decided now that he doesn’t want to talk and he’s really good at sticking to things

Thanks so much for showing it from your viewpoint. Must have been so tough not understanding it during your teens. Love your last paragraphs of advice

What’s he like with his dad?