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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son worried about clothing choices to ‘fit in’

25 replies

Sunsettings19 · 23/03/2025 16:03

I’ve got a lovely 13 year old who works hard at school and is well behaved. He’s got a nice group of friends who are all a bit on the geeky side.
However he seems to care more about what the ‘popular’ kids think of him than his friends who seem more oblivious.

He’s got some money to spend on new clothes and trainers and is getting upset because he says that he’ll get made fun of unless he gets exactly the right things.

I’ve tried to encourage him not to care but said that it’s probably a losing game trying to fit in with the popular ones as they’ll always find something else that he’s doing ‘wrong’

I don’t think it’s really bullying but there seem to be quite a few comments and questions about everything from his clothes and hair to his bike etc.

any ideas how to help him navigate this apart from what I’m already doing which is to encourage him to spend time with his friends who don’t care what he wears and to either ignore or have one pithy comeback to any comments from others?

OP posts:
roses2 · 23/03/2025 16:33

There will be peer pressure to fit in. Can you introduce him to Vinted so he gets more for his money?

Original poster
Sunsettings19 · 23/03/2025 17:20

Yes we do make use of Vinted. I just think that he could be wearing all the ‘right’ stuff and they’d still find a reason to make a comment so it’s how he navigates that

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 23/03/2025 17:47

It's a very difficult age. He will grow out of it but meantime just support him. If he struggles with colours maybe have a look yourself at young people in the street/ shopping centre on the weekend and get some ideas of what they are wearing.
No point in saying not to mind them as just now he does. He won't always be like this but 13 is a killer.

YourAmberScroller · 23/03/2025 17:49

Unless you’ve got a confident kid who makes sure choices in their sense of style then he’s vulnerable to feeling that like unfortunately. It doesn’t matter what the clothes actually are it’s more of an attitude / personality issue.

Enderwhere · 23/03/2025 17:52

Just let him fit in, being 13 is horrible he'll grow out of it but for now I'd just go with it.
around here it's anything nike/north face/hoodrich etc basically anything from jd
and Nike dunks or air max 95s. It's basically a uniform of teenage boys at this point so I understand him wanting to fit in

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 23/03/2025 17:52

You're right that they'll find a reason whatever he chooses, because the problem is with them and their inadequacy not him. How you explain that in a way that sinks in however I do not know, sorry OP.

Figgygal · 23/03/2025 17:55

My 13 yo is super sporty and still worries about this. He lives in nike neutral colours noone wants to stand out its a rubbish phase.

TokyoSushi · 23/03/2025 17:56

Bless him, I know you shouldn’t do things just to try to fit in etc etc but sometimes it’s easier just to blend in. Around here, JD Sports is your friend, some simple bits, Nike, Berghaus, Technicals, North Face, Montirex all would fit the bill. On Cloud or New Balance for trainers (the prices will make your hair curl!)

DS is Yr9 and according to Yr7 DD is one of the ‘popular boys’ - praise indeed!

Azureshores · 23/03/2025 17:56

I would agree that Nike/north face are safe choices and sticking to black/white clothing.

Ds17 is at a private school and they actually seem a lot less bothered about this kind of stuff. Originality is more admired. He is more bothered about being comfy and goes to parties in his jet Frans joggers that have holes in!

ADifferentSong · 23/03/2025 18:00

Although I agree with your sentiments OP, I do agree with what other posters have said here. Let him fit in. Social currency is important when you are 13.

Enderwhere · 23/03/2025 18:00

Azureshores · 23/03/2025 17:56

I would agree that Nike/north face are safe choices and sticking to black/white clothing.

Ds17 is at a private school and they actually seem a lot less bothered about this kind of stuff. Originality is more admired. He is more bothered about being comfy and goes to parties in his jet Frans joggers that have holes in!

I think there's a lot more of this at state schools because if you don't have the "right" things you're seen as "poor" whereas obviously in a private school looking poor isn't much of an issue.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/03/2025 18:01

I don’t think it’s really bullying but there seem to be quite a few comments and questions about everything from his clothes and hair to his bike etc. What sort of comments? This could be bullying.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/03/2025 18:03

Enderwhere · 23/03/2025 18:00

I think there's a lot more of this at state schools because if you don't have the "right" things you're seen as "poor" whereas obviously in a private school looking poor isn't much of an issue.

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This is wishful thinking. There is bullying in all schools, money-based bullying happens in private schools.

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 23/03/2025 18:06

Enderwhere · 23/03/2025 18:00

I think there's a lot more of this at state schools because if you don't have the "right" things you're seen as "poor" whereas obviously in a private school looking poor isn't much of an issue.

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My son goes to a state school, in y9, and we’re up North. The kids don’t seem to care what each other wear. My son likes a mix of things, but airs on the baggy jeans and Vans vibe. Which I’m glad about. Some of the boys I see look like JD threw up on them not a good look.

Monty27 · 23/03/2025 18:08

He'll eventually learn his own freestyle with practice and experience.
My ds wouldn't have worn anything 2nd hand but he does knows the value. I do the trawling around charity shops which I really enjoy and buy him loads because we talk about clothes regularly.
He's on a good roll.
We both love clothes 😂

Crocmush · 23/03/2025 18:10

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 23/03/2025 18:06

My son goes to a state school, in y9, and we’re up North. The kids don’t seem to care what each other wear. My son likes a mix of things, but airs on the baggy jeans and Vans vibe. Which I’m glad about. Some of the boys I see look like JD threw up on them not a good look.

Show quote history

So the kids don't care, but you're slagging a certain look?

Cattery · 23/03/2025 18:14

Kids of that age want to wear what their friends are wearing. It can be expensive but it’s worth it. I loved to see my sons having the nice clothing

Original poster
Sunsettings19 · 23/03/2025 20:50

Oh I absolutely want him to have the right stuff and for him to fit in but it’s a bit of a minefield.

I’m steering him to a black nike tech tracksuit. He’s already got some Nike t shirts and some north face joggers and some nice sports stuff.
Trainers are tricky because he’s just gone into adult sizes and the prices of the ‘right’ ones make us both wince. He’s sporty so needs trainers he can run in as well as day to day.

I’ll look at the on cloud ones as I think we’ve exhausted the entire Nike collection now.

the comments aren’t very sophisticated-just things like ‘why are you wearing that?’ ‘You look gay’ (apparently it’s fine to be gay but not to look gay if you’re not 🙄)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunsettings19 · 26/03/2025 15:11

Typical example today-he’d got some of the ‘right’ trainers from Vinted. Not brand new but good enough condition for school PE.
As soon as one of the other boys saw them he said ‘bro’s got fake shoes 🙄’ and laughed at him (they aren’t fake)
DS said he wasn’t bothered and didn’t respond -he still likes the trainers but this is what he’s up against now.

OP posts:
Azureshores · 26/03/2025 15:18

It sounds like he can't win and it's a bit of bullying going on to me OP, it's not nice. Will he not let you approach the school about it? I know it's difficult at that age. The only thing you can do is explain to him how the best response with people like that is to laugh and walk away, they'll hopefully get bored when they don't get a response.

It's shit when it's upsetting them though, I really sympathise. Make sure he knows to keep an open dialogue with you about what's going on and not to keep things to himself in case it escalates.

SpectatorInLife · 26/03/2025 15:19

The fake shoes comment is a lot better than it would be if he had the "wrong" brand. Kids who want to comment will find something to comment on. But yeah, best DS has the clothes that will enable him to go under the radar.
Black nike is a good standard.... I laugh at my boys- a big reason they wanted to go to college instead of school sixth form was the lack of uniform at college.... But they're all in a self-imposed uniform of black / grey Nike / Adidas/ North face. Thousands of them milling round in black puffers. No one dresses up or wears much colour - not even the girls. I like it.

minnienono · 26/03/2025 15:33

I think it is area dependent, there is only a state school in my town and with a 45 minute + traffic drive to the nearest independent, and it being highly rated, most parents send their dc to it. The kids wear a wide range of clothes but many opt for quirky, vintage, looks, then there are the emo/goth crowd, there’s the sailing crowd … Nike gear is definitely popular but for jackets Helly Hansen seems to rule, probably due to the yachts here

Comedycook · 26/03/2025 15:34

Quite a lot of teenage boy fashion will depend on what area of the country you live in. Here in London, Nike is a pretty safe bet

SallyWD · 26/03/2025 15:36

Completely normal for teenagers. They want to blend in and wear the right brands. I'm surprised when I meet a teenager who isn't like this. My teenage DD is very popular so doesn't need to impress anyone but will only wear certain brands. We use Vinted or Christmas/birthday money to buy these expensive items. I wouldn't fight against it. I was a teenager once and remember being mocked for my cheap trainers.

Original poster
Sunsettings19 · 26/03/2025 16:10

Azureshores · 26/03/2025 15:18

It sounds like he can't win and it's a bit of bullying going on to me OP, it's not nice. Will he not let you approach the school about it? I know it's difficult at that age. The only thing you can do is explain to him how the best response with people like that is to laugh and walk away, they'll hopefully get bored when they don't get a response.

It's shit when it's upsetting them though, I really sympathise. Make sure he knows to keep an open dialogue with you about what's going on and not to keep things to himself in case it escalates.

He says definitely not to say anything to school and at the moment I agree but will keep an eye.

OP posts:
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