Scotland - 16 move out

[HollyIvy89]

In Scotland parental responsibility seems to become parental guidance after 16.

my child tells me she hates me a good few times a day. Only communicates to me by shouting and swearing. No normal chat.

I want to say well if you hate me so much you have option to move out. Not ideal and not an option I really want but I do not know how much more I should put up with. It’s a war zone.

would I be responsible to pay for her ‘child maintenance’ as such?

i really feel she could do with a reality check of real life.

She hates me for any normal rule or expectation that most people would rationalise eventually as normal parent trying to keep child safe. I do an awful lot for her which I try to do as a parent to help.

im not sure what backlash id Face if i gave her this option

Where would she realistically go, if she left your home?

Depends where she moved.

If she moved in with another family she knows and is in education they could claim maintenence from you.

If you kicked her out and the council gave her homeless accommodation then she would claim benefits.

I know a 16yo who was kicked out, she was given a room in a hostel, and then moved into a flat, which she had to share with a stranger, before being given a small one bedroom place about a year later. Her relationship with her parents is now non existent though.

It's a tough decision op. Has she got something going on in her life?

Do you think she's actually wanting freedom or is she manipulating you into giving her reassurance that you'll allow her to stay forever and don't want her out at all ? Not in Scotland but my son is 16 and has his own apartment. He sounds a bit like her in the sense that he's rude ect. The difference was that he was also violent however

He's coping poorly at the moment but the space is what I think we needed. I'd seriously consider sending her out depending on if her behaviour is that bad. I have a 14 Yr old daughter and I wouldn't encourage her to leave home at 16 if she were two years older but she's respectful and polite and helps around the house regularly. If your daughter is otherwise alright besides teenage moodswings and isn't showing signs of narcissism or autism ect then I wouldn't push it

I don't think you'd be responsible for her legally in that sense though. She's an adult legally

My dd is the exact same. She'll be 16 in November. She can be violent though. I've told her she keeps it up she can move in with her dad. Which I wouldn't do but makes her have a rethink for a couple of days. I'd rather she had her own place than her dad's

And I'd rather she'd behave and stay

I have no idea how to get through to her that she is getting older and it’s more difficult for me to tolerate her sheer disrespect and rudeness. There has been occasional if I don’t get my own way I’ll run away also. She can not live at her dads as she feels scared there (but happy to have a text and money relationship with him). But the option of going to his is just not there on both sides.

she has been violent in past throwing things and pushing but I try very hard to remove myself from this. I get a constant daily barrage of abuse via text if I say no or ask say to study or do anything really.

I do think if ‘she hates’ me and ‘at 16 I can do what I like’ then she needs to understand that I also do not need to put up with it.

She has a boyfriend I think she thinks his mum would allow her to stay. I think she also thinks her friends parents would take her (highly unlikely).

ultimately I just want her to realise that she doesn’t need to ‘like me’ but she needs to abide by my ‘house rules’ and in return she will continue to get all the nice things she has etc

it’s all so exhausting.

If she’s treating you like this, why does she have her phone (that you no doubt pay for)? Why’s she seeing the boyfriend?

Far, far too lax.

You’re being pushed around, manipulated and verbally abused. OP, give this girl the shock of her life. Every device gone, grounded, no pocket money. She’s taking you for a mug.

100%

If she does constantly do this then you're being abused. It's socially unacceptable to talk about having an abusive child but they exist

Whether you cut out her extra money or take her devices or send her away, don't feel guilty, you don't deserve to be treated so poorly by her. She needs a reality check if she hasn't had to deal with anything in life

How far is her dad's. My teen's father is abroad with a bad history so I was wary but if he's close then maybe you could consider it. Of course I don't know the full situation though

I'm in Scotland at 16 they can do what they like. However, not in your home. If you pay her phone, stop. Phone the company, get a new sim. That way she won't be able to use it. Change the WiFi password. Stop doing all the stuff you do for her. She can be a grown up and sort herself. If she's still at school, you need to provide food, but let her cook her own food. Write everything down so she fully understands the boundaries you've put in place. Stay strong. Just let her know you do love her though. But bit of tough love ❤️.

thanks all. Appreciate the responses. Sometimes it feels so lonely and I feel like I have failed.

she defo can’t go to her fathers. However he does pay her phone so that stops me being able to use as leverage and it has unlimited data so for me I feel stuck on that. He is not interested if I was to ask him to stop. He has made it clear.

if a partner verbally abused me daily the way she does I would not be with him. Yes it appears social awkward to talk about child to parent abuse. She deflects when I have said this is what you are doing to me. She says I am toxic as I am calling it out. She is very naive to real life.

She is using me. I had a health scare last week. She told me I was being dramatic. It’s sad.

I have concerned she is neurodivergent but school were not interested. She is great at practical tasks but fails at written exams. I feel like as much as I have tried hard I can’t help her any further in this regards as she’s not willing to accept help or try hard.

Constantly I am told I am 16 I can do what I like. I suppose my question is - is that really true in Scotland/ UK. Or if she does what she likes will I be held responsible. I am walking a tightrope. I am very miserable.

I think it is a massive thing to do to throw her out at 16 and you really need to consider the impact this will have on you both. Teenagers can be vile but think about what other sanctions you could use. So no money for clothes or extras, no treats in the cupboard make her live as basically as you can and see how that goes. Also however hard this is do not take it personally, hold your boundaries and keep calm. It can change and shift as she grows older. You ultimately need to keep her safe and should only let her leave if she has somewhere safe to go, leave your door open. She is still a child and probably not able you see the real consequences of what not having you there means.

Sadly her dad is 3 hours away and is not a good influence if she did go live there I'd be throwing her to the wolves and her life would be fucked.

I moved out at 16 as I had a baby. I also worry how vulnerable you are at 16. So called mates using your house as a place as there's no parents around.

I understand what you mean about phones my dd is on week 3 of not having one all I've asked is two days of good behaviour and she can have it back.

I have tried the carrot not a stick approach and she takes the absolute piss. I have no answers just solidarity.