14 year old daughter - lovely to everyone else, awful at home - help!

[MakemineaGandT]

My 14 year old daughter is always, I’m told, kind, polite, friendly, helpful etc outside the home. Other parents are always complimentary about her behaviour, and her school reports are excellent. She’s doing well, joins in, and is apparently a delight to teach. So why is she so vile at home?

She’s rude, selfish, disrespectful. Her room is an absolute state - not just the usual teenage stuff of abandoned cups etc, but dirty clothes everywhere and literal rubbish. For days she left a used sanitary pad sitting in a discarded pair of pants on her bedroom floor. I asked her repeatedly to deal with it, but she just ignored me. Eventually I dealt with it as I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I’ve tried everything - ignoring bad behaviour and praising good, being angry, trying a collaborative approach and setting boundaries in discussion with her (which she immediately ignores and we have to fight it all out all over again). Every single night - literally - it’s a battle to get her to give up her phone. She is addicted to Snapchat and TikTok, spending many hours a day pouting into her phone and sending thousands of selfies.

I’m at my wits end. I feel so sick of it. My own home is a stressful place to be as she’s just so toxic.

What can I do to make things better? I hate this. Her older brothers have been an absolute breeze so this is all new to me.

Help me please wise mums of teenage girls and those who’ve come out the other side…

This was me a couple of years ago. I tried everything, taking the phone, grounding, withholding pocket money, reasoning, shouting, positive affirmation. You name it. I can’t say any of it worked until she hit about 16 and a talk around basic house rules and decency tended to help.

Having been through it I would ignore in as much as you can. Make clear that if she wants money for XYZ her behaviour needs to change and if it doesn’t then don’t give her the money.

Time was the only thing that really helped us - she grew up but it was just awful for a couple of years

The obvious place to start would be the phone. She's 14. She's a child and she shouldn't have been able to develop an addiction to social media because her parents should be protecting her from that. Tik Tok is not appropriate for a 14 year old to have free access to. Behaviour aside, this needs urgent attention for her own safety and healthy development.

Other than that, rudeness, belligerence, messiness etc are all pretty standard teenage behaviours. Boundaries are important but a lot of it is probably just a matter of waiting for her to grow up and mature.

She does have time restrictions on her phone, and has to leave it downstairs overnight. But I think it’s important she learn how to use it appropriately - I can’t just ban it. She uses it to communicate with friends, and with her brother who has left home. Homework tasks are set online which she needs to access. So - yes - clearly the phone is a major issue but I don’t know how to tread this very difficult line in a constructive way. I don’t want to stop her joining in with peers - banning TikTok would exclude her from a lot of social interaction, and I think this does matter.

Echoing other posters, who reassure you that this is normal, awful, and will pass. My DD had to put her phone on charge on the hall table before going up to bed. That way, she at least didn't have it in her room overnight, tempting her not to sleep. On the messy bedroom, I managed to mostly ignore it, and said that she would be waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of rats scratching and squeaking, attracted by the bits of biscuit, and dregs of cereal and milk dispersed about the carpet.

(EDITED TO ADD) Dealing with her hostile tone posed the biggest challenge. I kept my voice steady and asked her to say what she had said again, paying particular attention to her tone. It delayed the conversation, so she got annoyed and did improve.

Hi - I've just jumped on Mumsnet to post a very similar question.
I believe I have a carbon copy of your daughter and as painful as it is, I am heeding the advice to simply turn and walk away on a daily basis.
Around once every couple of months, I insist on being able to go in and "CLEAN" the room so I do tidy it simply so I can actually "CLEAN" it.
But she will turn it into a dump again within the space of 24 hours and it looks like that again until the next time I can face the "CLEAN".
Interesting, yesterday I went in and folded some clothes that were preventing her from closing one of her drawers. I put the clothes in the drawer below and no sooner had i done it, she came and took them back out and back in the top of the first drawer that again, wouldn't close.
So I think part of what they are doing at this age, is having control over the situation. She doesn't care that the drawer wont shut....I do. So once again, I walked away and left it.

She's also glued to her phone, it's a non stop social circle interspersed with Tiktok sessions but she also does some fairly mindful things on there sometimes...colouring in and number based games.
Please ignore comments from anyone who says you shouldn't have let her become hooked on social media. It is not your fault, societal pressure is leading them down this path and there is only so much we as parents can do to intervene, short of keeping them isolated from their peers and the world as it is now. I've faced the battle of trying to manage that social media interaction and that was without a doubt the most damaging time in our relationship so far.

We spend next to no time together other than dinner time, when I insist we eat together at the kitchen table. I wont let her take a meal upstairs otherwise that will be it, she'll never join me at the table again!

I know other people who have said, ride this out. Don't push against it to the point it's making you unwell and you may drive a wedge between you for the future. Be kind to yourself by walking away when you feel stressed about the situation and try to remember that things will change again at some point.
If she's your youngest child (mine is my only) and she's now fairly self sufficient, I've started to make sure I'm doing things I want to do with that time instead of trying to get her to do what I want and getting wound up about it.

I talk walks (once in a blue moon, a run), last night I met a friend for a drink at the local pub, I knit, I have lovely baths, I read books, I watch loads of tele. Coz she just wants to do her at the moment, and until she's hurting someone, or herself, I just need to let her.

Look at the positives, she's doing fine at school, she's polite to the people she knows would knock her for six if she was rude to them, and by the sounds of it, she's engaged with others when she's not at home. Home is her safe and comfortable space so you just need to keep it that way by being there at some point in the future, when she needs you. And she will.

Hope that helps....you are most definitely not alone.

Thank you so much @Stormtee @IdaGlossop @cazbar1980 for your kind advice and support - I really do appreciate it. I am trying to hold onto the thought that this is a phase which will pass, and that she certainly knows how to behave when it ‘matters’ (clearly I don’t ‘matter’ in the same way at the moment!). I do try to pick my battles and I’ve never been one of those parents who invade privacy - I think it’s important, even for very young children, to feel that they have autonomy. I am supportive of all the activities she wants to do (within reason), driving her about etc. I take her shopping and let her choose her own things - I want her to develop her own style, and to feel good about how she looks. I feel so hurt when she is so contemptuous of me, and speaks with such a rude tone. And the looks she gives me are like real daggers to the heart - as though she honestly hates me. If I was a controlling, strict parent perhaps she’d have cause to ‘rebel’, but I’m not. I’ve always wanted my children to be their own selves, and to follow their own paths.

My own teenage years were difficult. My parents were very strict and didn’t let me join in with parties, shopping trips etc. I had very few clothes or possessions of my own, and was always made to feel guilty for wanting anything for myself. I was expected to do an awful lot of housework and childcare for younger siblings, without thanks or recognition of any kind. I’ve wanted to be so different with my own children, and to allow them to be themselves, to enjoy their youth, and to experiment. With my sons it has been so easy - they’re well-liked by many people, are good company, hard-working and have always been kind and respectful to me. I just don’t understand why things are so difficult with my daughter.

I’m going to try the walk away tactic a little more I think. I guess I just wrestle with the fear that I’m letting her ‘get away’ with bad behaviour if I do. And that I’m saying it’s ok for her to treat me like that/speak to me like that. But the alternative is constant confrontation and upset, which is so draining. I’m aware of storing up bad feeling for the future - I want so much to have a good relationship with her, especially when my relationship with my own parents has never really been that great.

I think you've done all the right things; wanting them to feel autonomous and carve their own path is great.
Maybe now is the time to hold back on the offer of money, driving her places and buying her non essentials, if she's treating you disrespectfully.
As long as you convey that message in a calm and controlled manner, it will hopefully sink in and she may begin to speak to you better and adjust her behaviour. At this age, for these girls, if we allow them to walk all over us, I think they feel less respectful towards us. I see the difference between me and her Dad, and I think she respects him more.

When I've been less emotionally responsive and have taken a more hard line matter of fact approach, she does seem to respond to it.
It's keeping my emotions in check which is the tricky part!

What I didn't say in my first post is, I will tell her if I'm walking away from a situation because she's being disrespectful and I don't want to communicate with her in that way. Then she knows, she hasn't won a battle, it's just that I'm choosing not to deal with it at that point in time.

@cazbar1980 That’s really good advice - to say I’m not happy to be spoken to in that way, so I’m going to finish this conversation. I haven’t wanted her to see having/doing things as rewards for ‘good’ behaviour, but perhaps I do need to be less ready to accommodate too.

Good luck, come back here anytime for a rant. I think it really helps to share x