Choosing the Wrong Friends

[Newparent62]

I am relatively new to parenting (2.5 years). I have a good relationship with my 14 yo stepson. We talk regularly and we listen to each other. My concern is that he went into the local secondary school without any local peers and only one local friend who was a year younger. In order to find friends at the new school, he gravitated towards boys with poor behaviour and school dropouts. He has been in trouble with the police and there are other issues including theft of alcohol from our house, all of which have involved this one local friend in particular. We have asked him not to see this boy but they do still connect online. Yesterday our son had a big emotional outburst with lots of tears all around how he has to act "badass" at school to maintain friendships and that his oldest local friend, who does not attend school, is the only one who reaches out to connect with him. Obviously, we do not want to overinterfere in his relationships and we are happy that he is expressing his emotions and talking to us but we also want to keep him safe and out of further incidents with authorities. He is a bright, cheerful, good-looking youngster with a high degree of emotional intelligence but he has very low self esteem especially around his looks and hieght. Any thoughts?

Yep, get him involved with different weekly groups so he can forge new friends and make a new identity for himself. Climbing club, pickle ball, football, crafts, languages, what ever he’s interested in to build confidence and skills

Is moving school an option. He can do all the outside activities he wants but he will still need to interact with these guys at school and turning his back on them could result in serious bullying.

The activities are a good idea to build confidence as @HeySnoodie said but with police involvement I think you are at a more drastic stage.

Thanks for the responses. He attends army cadets and school rugby club. He was in a drama group and scouts but in none of these situations did he make new friends. Mostly, it seems, because there were no "cool" dudes. We would like to move schools but it is not currently an option. There is only one in our area so we would need to provide transport to at least 12 miles away.

IME "cool dudes" often translate as trouble. First step would be to check with your stepson whether he considers this at all. From what you have said, it sounds like he might actively seek the company of boys who are "bad ass" and "cool dudes". He will either have to change his mindset and accept hanging around with slightly less cool dudes, or somehow stay out of trouble, which will be very difficult if the people he surrounds himself with are involved in bad behaviour.

My brother at year 8 decided to drop his old mates he’d known since reception- they were beginning to do drugs and he was not ok with it. In a matter of weeks he stuck with the one friend who wouldn’t do drugs either and politely declined all interactions with the old boys.
Because he was polite, laughed off their comments nothing came of it and he realised that they weren’t really interested in him anyway. They’ve always been respectful to him in adulthood too.
the mate was eventually his best man and they’re still best friends to this day. Maybe he isn’t the only one in the group who is sick with it all and might want a break. my brother would tell him it’s not easy, but it can be done.

It really depends on whether or not your son has the strength to turn his back on these friends. If he doesn’t then I do think that moving schools is your only option. I’d do whatever I had to do to get him somewhere new if the alternative was getting involved with the police

Thanks Stormtree. Unfortunately, that is also the conclusion that we are coming to. Of course, things may change over time and there are some positive signs coming from DS, let's hope, with encouragement and guidance, that he can make some good choices and find some inner strength.