Right time to move?

[PurpleBirdie]

Hello All,

Thank you in advance for your honest advice.

We have lived in our current house since my DS was 10 and DD 9. I have never felt at home in it and from collecting the keys onwards have wanted to move.

There are lots of reasons I would like to move including that it would be wonderful to move somewhere that I could have space to work from that is not my bedroom (my DH works from home too downstairs). At 43 and 44 we are finally in a position that this is potentially possible (albeit necessitating a large jump in mortgage payments).

Our DD (now 17) also would like to move. However, our DS (now 18) really really doesn’t. We have been talking about moving for a few years and he has consistently said he does not want to. Most recently he has said that he feels he has grown up in this house and that he really can not understand why we would want to leave it (we have outlined the reasons many times). Whilst I would happily leave this village we are proposing relocating within the same village to stay near to their friends. We do not have extended family which has always made their friendship network extra important.

DS goes to uni this Autumn and DD will probably go next Autumn. Like many Mum’s I am already anticipating that I will find the empty nest really hard but know I need to cut the apron strings and allow them space to grow into independent adults.

Selfishly, I don’t want our empty nest to be in a house that for me is not home and that I’m deeply unhappy in. Equally, I want them both to feel they have a base to come back to that feels like home.

Is there a right time to do this? Do we need to stay put and wait until DS has transitioned into his new adult life? Is that fair on DD/myself (DH happy either way).

Honestly to me this sounds crazy that he gets such a say in such things when you are staying in the same village and he’s moving out shortly anyway. I wouldn’t be worried about my small children (10, 8 and 4) never mind an almost adult.

That said, I would never uproot anyone regardless of age whilst they are trying to do their exams- that wouldn’t be fair.

Thanks for the reply. He is on a gap year (saving towards travelling and uni) so exams are all done. A lot of this is probably me being scared that if we move he won’t want to visit as much, it is indeed all a bit crazy on my part!

If your 18yo doesn't want to move he can rent somewhere for himself! I wouldn't even take consideration of it.

I understand him wanting to maintain his childhood home, I’d feel the same, and I have to confess to Googling mine to see if it’s for sale sometimes.
Would you consider staying put until after Xmas so he can come home for one last Xmas there?

Really he can feel all the nostalgia he likes but ultimately he will leave that house and live elsewhere. He cannot expect you to hold on to it for when he visits in the future. You need to live where you will now be happy, he will visit, i know dc will be sad if we ever leave our house but when it no longer works for us or we want a new adventure I will not be holding on to it.

You're not selfish at all. I would move. It's fine and not his choice anyway. He will have his own life soon.

It seems you have waited long enough to move and have put the kids first for a while now. Under the circumstances I think you now need to do what is right for you.

Our eldest left home a few years ago, and our youngest started uni last September and we became empty nesters. We have always put our DC first, not wanting to uproot them while they were doing GCSE's and A-levels and we have waited for a time in our lives when we are now free to live where we want to. We have our house on the market with the idea of moving nearer the sea which is something we have always dreamed of doing.

I asked both our DD how they felt about us moving. Not because I needed their permission or anything because we would have done it anyway, but just to gauge how they felt about it. Our eldest has always been fine, our youngest not so much. She always said that when she came home from uni she wanted to come back to her house and her bedroom not a strange house and strange bed. However, when she came home at Christmas she said that, although it was nice being back home, she has realised that home is actually wherever we are. She has become much happier about us moving house and is fully behind us now.

Hopefully your DS will also feel this way in time and it won't stop him still wanting to come home, wherever that is, because it is YOU he wants to see, not the house. I am sure he will be fine.

Thanks for the replies all, that has helped.