my stepson stole my underwear and makeup and now I don't feel like I can trust him!

[MauveScroller]

I have been my stepson's stepmum for nearly 7 years. Their Mum doesn't see them and we have full custody of them. Their mother is a drug addict and was very neglectful/abusive towards them. Long story short... The 15 year old has been questioning his gender for around 2 years but he is on the list for assessment for ASD/ADHD/Autism and has alot of anxiety and confusion. Now, his younger brother who is 13, stole my make up and clothes (which I had noticed going missing for a while) and was storing them under their bed. These items have been found and the reason behind this was that "1/4 curiosity and 3/4 trying to get his brother into trouble" please help??? I have a 2 year old as well with their Dad and all of this is driving me mental. Is this normal/abnormal? Have others experienced this too? Its the lying and the deceit I can't cope with :(

Of course it's not normal.

There's quite a lot going on.

The younger boy wanted his older brother to get the blame so obviously the relationship between the boys is a big issue.

Stealing from you, the woman who has welcomed them into a loving environment and taken care of them in the absence of their mother is very upsetting for you. Have the boys received counselling or additional support from outside services?

What does their father do to facilitate a happy home life for everyone?

thank you for your response.
Yes, the eldest has had interventions since he was 9 years old as he was struggling with the family dynamic. Throughout the support received, we have found that the more attention he gets, the worse he becomes. He has made some improvements but compulsive lying for both of them is a big problem.
He is very supportive, however, it is difficult to know what to do. We made it very clear that it was not good but he supports me 100%.

What punishments has your husband given the youngest for lying and stealing?

He needs to read the riot act to the younger one and get both sons off the internet and into organised activities like Scouts, Cadets or sports. Horrid sneaky creepy behaviour.

Where is dad? On a day to day basis, where is he?

The assessment must be followed up, it must be chased up. The boy, you sense and feel is different and the diagnosis is very important for pushing for extra support because there are issues here that are not pleasant. The stealing and blaming someone weaker is not nice. I'm not blaming being Autistic but there's the risk of lots of problems that may co exist and you might need more help and input down the line.

Is the father doing anything to push for this assessment?

A direct consequence for me would be a lock on your door to signal that no one can go in and take anything. You can explain why your private space must be respected. Someone, like his dad, talking to him and asking him ' hey mate, what's going on? What's this all about?'.

You might be dealing with conduct disorder as an aside - but it's hard to know if the behaviour is that or is it a response to trauma requiring a bit more attention from someone ( like his dad). He needs to be in the system either way , assessment, access to a professional child psychiatry regularly. That might involve paying right now.

It's not stealing. He's experimenting. He's curious. This is a conversation not a punishment

@Maddy70 he stole them not down himself but go get the older boy who is confused about his gender, into trouble!

Would you feel the same if an unrelated teenage boy went through your underwear drawer?

It’s invasive and disrespectful behaviour, whatever drove it.

If my son robbed my granny skegs and wore them, I wouldn't see that as stealing.

She's stepmum so the rules are different. He stitched up the other brother.

Step mums only boundary probably is physically preventing access with a lock. Problem solved.

The father absolutely needs to be talking to his child and checking in ffs. I'm triggered. Even if this post is fake, the dynamic is as old as time. Stepmum doing everything.

I'm a bio mum btw! And I feel this problem befalling stepmums is not right or fair. Where's the dad.

The whole point of this platform is to support and promote positivity. The Dad is very present, so please back off on the whole "Dad does nothing" stereotype. Thank you.

Apologies to you OP for assumptions made by myself. I'm glad he is fully stepping up here for you.

Is the access to appropriate professional support something you feel you're getting. It sounds like this is alot to manage alone.

Have you ever looked into conduct disorder. It may feel totally inappropriate but it may ring true. The approach to managing is different to other children.

Also, it will help access support and protect the entire family if conditions he has are diagnosed.