School refusal

[Raisinsandweetabix]

DD 13 ADHD/ possible autism. Has been slowly refusing more & more since January. A recent friendship triangle involving her best friend of 11 years breaking up with her is the main problem. She feels she has no one at school so the problem is escalating. Also finding the sheer size/ demands of secondary overwhelming. Has anyone got any advice/ experiences please,

I have the same with my autistic DD. It's been very challenging. If you suspect autism, is she on the assessment pathway? Get the SENCO involved to see if there are adjustments that can be made, eg access to a pastoral space, changes in seating plans that might support her. Ask what the EBSA guidelines are for your local authority and see if there is a mental health in schools team (MHST) that could get involved.

My DD has been on a reduced timetable for months that has kept her in school up to a point but her attendance is less than 50%. We applied for a parental assessment for an EHCP which is now being done but it's a long and time-consuming process.

Look at the Not Fine in School Facebook group.

Thankyou so much and im sorry you're going through the same. How do you deal with working when she is off? I feel like everything has been turned upside down. I've got a meeting tomorrow so I will ask about MHST

I'm a teacher so unfortunately I just have to leave her home alone. She's Year 10 now but I've been leaving her for some of the time since she was 13.

I've had to do the same. I'm also going to chase the ASD assessment this week with neuro disability center. The Sunday night dread is in full force tonight

Sadly we have experience of a similar situation, it's so tough, both for the child and the whole family.

These books have been helpful:

https://missingthemark.co.uk/publications-autism-pda-learning-education-books-written-illustrated-eliza-fricker

My DD is Year 12 now and doing a lot better, various accommodations have been put in place by the school which helps. Therapy helped. Me not working helps her but I have struggled massively at times with that.

It's really good your dd is talking to you. I do a lot of regulating activities like jigsaws and decopatch with my DD which really facilitate her opening up a bit. At her lowest, she completely shut herself away from everyone, so keeping those connections going is a really good thing. That does come at a cost to you though if you're her main support, so wherever possible, lean on your friends/partner/family and try to keep up some kind of outlet for you.

I am in the same boat with autistic pda dd 13. School avoidance is the least of my worries with her other mental health issues and wider demand avoidance. I work from home, so at least I am here...it is still massively impacting on my mental health and concentration. But I am trying not to worry about school. Mental health is a reason for non attendance so should be authorised. Naomi fisher is great- the teenage guide to burnout book is helpful.
A bit of a break for her and a supported mental health intervention when she return might help. They should have someone there for that. My dd won't engage in any support.
It's so hard but be kind to yourself and her.
Accepting behaviour has a really great approach and a number of videos on youtube

My ADHD ASD 8yr old son started school refusing in October. The school have eventually made very big changes for him in spring half term and he's a different child. School refusing has stopped and much easier in the mornings. He goes to a mainstream primary that specialises in ASD and has separate provision classrooms - he's been there since yr1. It's not always possible for the school to make changes, but I wouldn't be frightened of changing schools if not. I understand that the peers are the issue but those safe relationships could have been protecting her from the other things that are not working in the school. Safe people are a valid form of support, but hard to control when those people are peers.

Thankyou everyone. It's such an awful place to be in. Not knowing day to day how they feel. Not knowing if it's making them worse by encouraging them to go into school xx

@Raisinsandweetabix it really is brutal. Things can better with lots of support and understanding, but I really do get how hard it is right now.

How did you get on at the school meeting?

The SENCO was really understanding & supportive just by talking to my daughter and explaining that she is worth more than the toxic friendship triangle which has been the main trigger for all this. Offered reduced timetable, quiet space, possible home learning when needed. But ultimately due to my DD's ADHD/ASD/ RSD profile (which I suspect is the same for most school refusers) she cannot wave a magic wand and help her to make the close friends she craves so much. I suspect if we get the EHCP we may be able to start the process of a school move but it would be very hard logistically and also emotionally for DD who hates any kind of change. I can see us muddling through 'somehow' until she leaves at 16. God it's so so fucking exhausting and stressful I just want her to feel valued and worthy

That's really good the SENCO was understanding and supportive with some decent accommodations, but yes, it's so hard when the social side is so exhausting and challenging for your dd.

Does she do any activities out of school? My DD goes to Rangers (Girl Guides for 14+) and it is an absolute lifeline. She has closer connections there than at school I think. I think quite a few of her friends there are also ND from what I can tell, so perhaps more 'her people' than the kids at school.

I relate very much to this: "God it's so so fucking exhausting and stressful I just want her to feel valued and worthy"

Do you have much support IRL?

I have my parents who are absolutely amazing and supportive but they are elderly and don't need the stress. I have some great friends who I can lean on emotionally and the kids dad is great when he is here (works away during the week) but it's basically just me all week doing everything. Very close to signing myself off with stress tbh

That's an option, one that many of us in the same position have had to take.

Thank God for friends, that's for sure.

It's really tough, but you are doing a great job advocating for your DD and being there for her.

Thankyou so much. And hugs to you

I am going through this with my ds15. It is affecting us all so badly and I just dont know how to help.

I'm sorry you are also in this state of hell. Never ever been so stressed/ miserable in my life. I just want her to be happy , learning & making friends. Instead , none of us know how to deal with this situation. Every day feels daunting and unknown.

My 6yr old grandson is waiting for his Autism assessment but in the meantime hes refusing to go to school. My daughter tried home schooling to no avail. The local authority are involved and threatening my daughter with a fine or court unless she puts him in school within 2 weeks. We have done this twice now with 2 different schools & he still gets extremely distressed. Myself & my daughter both agree that we are not forcing him to go anywhere that traumatises him. We are at present trying to apply for an EHCP but it doesnt stop the authorities constantly threatening her. She does not know where to go from here? Any help would be appreciated. TYIA