My teen daughter makes me feel depressed

[Sese11]

This is my first time posting on here. I am a single mum of a fourteen year old girl. Myself and her dad separated suddenly weeks before Christmas 2017. We were always close up until she was about 12 when all of a sudden, she developed this bad attitude, answering back, doing the opposite of what I asked and calling her dad to complain about me if I asked her to do simple things such as pick her towel up off the floor. He would then call me and belittle my on the phone and encourage her to stay with him instead.

When her dad first left, she cried ever time she had to go to see him but I encouraged her to still go. He had a girlfriend who my daughter hated as they would often argue. Her dad never defended her which was part of the reason why she didn't want to go. They've since separated and now he has time for her. He is a compulsive liar and tells my daughter things that are completely untrue. She has started to believe the things he says and has turned on me. I'm shocked by this as she's been there for some of it and has witnessed it. (There has never been anything physical). I have spoken briefly about things she has said to close friends and they can't believe it. My daughter's dad has no friends of his own. The friends he did have washed their hands of him after the way I was treated so now he only spends time with our daughter and his mum. Last year, he gave me so much verbal abuse down the phone whilst sitting with our daughter that I got really depressed. I didn't respond and refused to speak to him. The police got involved and offered to file a non-molestation order against him. It hurt me that he treated me in that way infront of our daughter and she accepted it. I don't know what to do because my daughter is really hurting me and I don't understand why. I have been through counselling but I don't think it has helped.

My daughter is a lovely girl really and is very well behaved in school. She never wants anybody to know about her behaviour. I just want her back. I know she's a teenager and is battling hormones etc but I don't think I should be feeling this low so much.

@Sese11 I know this isn't much comfort right now, but I was like this with my mum as a teen, but as adults we're the very best of friends and absolutely thick as thieves.

So it will get better. She's at a really tough age and lashing out at the person closest to you is sadly very common

Thank you. I really hope this is just a phase. It doesn't help that she is being manipulated and doesn't even realise.

I know its hard, i have been through the same, and still going. She is 17.
Sadly she has a lot of my ex taits, that makes it so so so hard.
I really feel lost and crying a lot wgen she exlodes on me.
This generation of teenager has no limits of insults and thry dont really understand how abusive thry are

Thank you @Susan7654 . I really is hard. Lots of people say that it's a phase and it will pass but I really don't know how much longer I can deal with it all. I'm currently sat in my car at the park alone. My daughter and I should have been doing something nice together today but she has tried her best to annoy me by not getting ready and dragging her heels. When I told her that I don't understand why she is being so rebellious, she laughed which is why I thought it was vest that I leave. She called me 15 mins ago (3.30pm) saying she is ready. I'm just going to sit here for a while before going home because I'm too upset and my face is a mess. You would think that as she only spends half of the week with me, she would appreciate the time we do have. She is so much like her dad, it's unreal. This is why I am worried because he literally has no friends and I don't want the same for her. I'm so sorry to rant. I feel so low.

I know. Its traumatic, and in my case it got much worse from when she was 15. The only thing that helps me is listening on youtube talks about teenage brain. Somehow it gets to me and i dont feel that bad anymore.
The videos help me detach. The better feeling only lasts a short while and i really have to watch it often to keep my sanity.

Thank you. I might try that too. I hope things get better for you.

A couple of things, having been a “difficult” teen.

don’t write it off as a phase or hormones. It’s a difficult time, she’s probably feeling all sorts of confusing and conflicting things re. her dad and you. She’s trying to hold both relationships, and you’re probably losing because you’re “safe” and she is more as risk of losing the relationship with her dad.

be calm, be solid, listen to her. Reassure her you love her. It can be very difficult to talk to teens when they go off on one, because they don’t have the tools to tell you what’s wrong, what they’re feeling. Talk to her when she’s calm, not upset. if she’s not getting ready, go do something else until she is. Take the control away but still be consistent about wanting to spend time with her, because you like her.

I was “difficult” due to some fairly severe ptsd. Nobody talked to me about what happened. My feelings were minimised and constantly dismissed as teen hormones. Not one person put two and two together and thought hang on, this child went through something incredibly traumatising, perhaps there’s a reason for the tears and tantrums…

Thank you for your advice @Whycanineverthinkofone. I really appreciate it. I always give my daughter the chance to speak about things if she needs to. It frustrates me that she is happy to do and say things she knows annoy me about wouldn't dare purposefully do it to her dad otherwise she panics. She knows I love her more than anything and we do spend a lot of time together (when she's home with me).

When she knows she's not been very nice or behaved inappropriately, she often apologises the following day. I am worried about her. She is a good kid really and that's why I think you're definitely right when you say about her feelings. She knows her behaviour is unacceptable because she tells me about kids at school who behave in the same way and how disgusting it is. I have contemplated speaking with her school to see if there is any support that could be offered. I think it might be useful for her to speak with someone who is impartial. My daughter has experienced a lot in. Her dad is very manipulative and although she had lived through some experiences, he has told her otherwise which has obviously confused her. She doesn't want to think of her dad as being dishonest but I think deep down, she knows that what she has been told, is untrue. I just need her to talk so I can help her.

I hope this all makes sense and once again, apologies for the extra long message.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother when I was young. As an adult I came to regret how I behaved.

My DD was very very rude to me the other day. Exploded with anger over me asking her to pick up her dry loundry.
I tried to be strong but I was crying after. Later her friend came, I was in the front garden and she asked me how i am, and i just ranted a bit about DD and her behaviour - with a laugh, not to make it too serious.
2 other friends came and they all went to the beach. They must have talked some sense to her. She appologized, but this time without any sarcasm or attitude. She did dishes etc, all without me asking for it. And is really polite to me! Hope it lasts!
I am loving it while it lasts :)

She’ll come back to you.

As others have said, try to detach. Play the long game. Be calm. Let her build memories of you being the solid one. It will click once she’s matured. 💐

As a teenager, everytime i say something because of a mood swing and i realised that i hurt my mum i don't ever know how to apologies. I would try next time something like this happens and she's calmed down just sit her down and communicate that you have feelings too and you struggle with doing things by yourself or even just having hurtful comments like this get said to you. I would try not to mention how severe it is because she might take on the stress herself which could damage her, but communicating it gently and still making sure she feels loved would be the perfect solution in my opinion. It might not top her from saying thing sin the moment, but you have to remember that she doesn't mean to and it would encourage her to apologies more.

Honestly she’s a teenager - they are selfish little buggers and teen girls often turn on their mums. Their brains are scrambled and their emotions are all over the place.

She’ll grow out of it. Sit tight and be paitient (but not a doormat).