University friendship problems

[Isitmeffs]

My DD is having a terrible time in uni, she’s in year two. She was practically living with her boyfriend until he decided to end the relationship, she has dealt with it really well, but the only problem is her girl friends live in the same house as her ex, everything was fine, her ex and her spoke and were fine with each other until recently, after clubbing apparently her drunk ex told her girl friends that she use to speak lots of crap about them. She’s had horrible texts from her girl friends believing everything he has said. She’s in state wanting to quit uni, depressed wanting to come home, they won’t meet to discuss it with her they just keep sending texts saying that she needs to apologise and not to attack her ex over it!!! She basically hasn’t said anything bad, just general stuff when she was in the relationship - I’ve been supporting her on the phone but I have now got to the point of saying I think she needs to stay away from the ex and the house he lives in which includes her friends, they are not acting like friends, they have his back, they won’t hear her. I have stayed quiet about these girls but my advice has been to stay away from them all, try and socialise with the kids in her own house and start joining some clubs, I know it’s hard, she’s shy and a long way from home - but I’m not prepared for her to be a punching bag/doormat for all of them. I don’t get it she really struggles with friends, she’s a nice girl and assures me she didn’t say anything bad about anyone. She’s wants to meet with the ex to find out why he’s done this, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar? Thanks for reading.

Well either she did bad-mouth them (what do you mean by 'just general stuff'?) - in which case their reaction is not surprising and she's burnt her bridges with that group.

OR ex is lying (why would he do this - was it a bad break up?) and 'friends' are falling for it. If so they've picked their side and they're not really friends if they've chosen to believe her ex. No point in trying to win them over or apologise for something she hasn't done.

In either case she needs to move on and make new friends. She's in year 2 so presumably has only known these people for 18 months tops? Awful for her I know but life's too short to waste time on people like that!

Anything said was not that bad and she has come clean - she didn’t say anything else. That’s the thing no bad break up. I can only assume he doesn’t want to see her and by going round the house still he does. This way everyone falls out with her = she don’t go round anymore. But like you say they don’t seem worth it. Thank you for replying.

This is hard OP because her friends live with the ex - which means they are obviously good friends with him.

It could be something like one of the 'friends' likes the boy and perhaps they are starting a relationship and therefore want your DD out of the picture. All it takes is one or two people to decide they don't want your DD around anymore and everyone else will jump on the bandwagon because who wants to be fighting with all your housemates?

If I was her I would apologise for whatever they think she said, reiterating that she didn't say it, but she doesn't want to fight anymore. And then take a step back from the whole situation. You advice about focusing on other friends is good.

Hi op
When I was at uni I lived with my boyfriends good female friends...so when he dumped me for someone else it was horrible !! I cried many many tears at the time.. I also cursed his/my friends for taking his side.

All I think I have to say is..this is life. It's painful to hear and witness as a parent but however sad it is for your child these are experiences that shape us as a person..not always in the long run in a bad way

I'd say two things. Yoi just need to keep telling her it's not the 3nd of the world. Find friends she can rely on. Find a counsellor if she can as I do look back and wish something like that had been available at the time
..a neutral source of support

But also. She needs to see that her friends are only young people ..immature in theor emotional responses. We all behave thoughtlessly and selfishly sometimes in our early 20s

Perhaps it's good for her to disconnect from this group and really move on

I think moving on from the whole group is good advice. I hope your DD can find a new circle of friends.

I think it would be best for your DD to take a total break from all of them. Maybe in time she will be able to reconnect with the other girls but for now it's clear that for whatever reason they are not acting like friends and are not really willing to listen to her. From what you've said, it sounds like she's probably moaned about her friends a bit to the bf when they were together (just venting minor frustrations that are long forgotten and no big deal) and he's making a bigger deal of it. My guess would be that he fancies one of them and thinks that he has more chance if they are not friends with your DD. I have a DD of a similar age and I've been surprised at how fickle and immature lots of her peers seem to be when it comes to this sort of thing.
I'd encourage her to spend time with other friends and look for clubs etc that she might want to join to meet some new people. I wouldn't suggest that she tries to meet up with them face to face to discuss it- I think there's a good chance that they'll all just stick together and it will become a character assassination. Maybe just a text to say they she's never intended to cause any offence to any of them, and would like it if they could be friends but she accepts that they don't want to do that right now so she will leave them to it.
As a mum, I'd gently try to encourage your DD to learn from this and try to make sure that she keeps up with friends separately from any future boyfriend.