Parenting a teenager techniques

[Isitnearlyfriday987]

I'm really struggling with my 13YO currently so really working hard to change my parenting technique and connect with him more as I feel like we are at constant loggerheads.
What are everyone's top tips for parenting teenagers, particularly staying connected with them?

I know I need to listen to him more, hear his views and compromise.

What else works well?

What are you at loggerheads about? Any examples of situations you'd have liked to gone differently? How much time do you tend to spend a day where you can chat - eg car journey, dinner time etc? Does he talk about his interests and friends?

Don’t get into conflict; I read somewhere that teenagers want conflict and once you’re in it they’ll keep going so you’ve lost before you’ve started. When they ask for things or to go places or do things and your instinct is to say no then say you’ll think about it and get back to them and give yourself time to work out if you’re being fair or not, if there’s a compromise or how to explain why it’s a no.
We had a teen and a toddler and Some techniques for my teen were very similar to my toddler - letting the tantrums wash over me, being consistent, not giving in just when they moan on and on, understanding they’re pushing boundaries. I often say that light heartedly but it’s also true

Some kind of mutual interest helps you stay connected even if it’s something that you have to put effort into being interested in initially

This. Find any opportunities to connect. Preferably side-to-side to reduce pressure. Driving, cooking, dinner, watching TV.

Take an interest in their interests.

And never ever fight to win. Instead seek to understand, empathise and set boundaries.

Social media/ phone use is a big one, that he doesn't agree with my putting restrictions in place and my issue is usually that he will just sit on his phone rather than do what he is supposed to be doing. Other than that, it's nothing specific. It can be me getting frustrated and he doesn't listen or follow instructions, him thinking I don't listen to him. Whenever there is an issue he will blame me, eg 'I can't find my badges, what did you do with them?' He never even showed me them let alone gave them to me. We often disagree about what the other person said or what we agreed.
We do spend time together. We tend to watch something in tv most nights and we usually do something together at the weekend. He doesn't talk much to me, especially during the week. I think that's a combination of exhauststion from school mixed with the time he spends on his phone. He does talk more on a weekend and school holidays are much better so we nearly always go away during the holidays to reset and spend some quality time together. He has adhd and does hyper focus and fixate on stuff so quite often he will only talk about whatever the fixation is at that time, eg on Sunday we went out for the day, had a nice few hours but then he was just fixated on getting to a shop to buy darts and most of his conversation currently is about a new darts set up he wants. I know this is him getting his dopamine fix, but I know there are worse things than darts and he does genuinely like darts and plays it a lot. He doesn't really have any friends sadly. I think that upsets him. A few weeks ago he was meeting friends but then one decided he didn't want him to go. He didn't really talk about that at all (got angry when I tried to) but I know inside he is upset about it. I think he just pushes emotions to the back of his mind which ain't great then from time to time it hits him and he will get upset about things.

Yer I need to get better at avoiding conflict. I do try the not saying no thing (within reason) but he comes up with such unrealistic things so I do have to set parameters. Eg I say shall we go for a day trip. He will say, yes let's go to Cornwall (it's 7 hours away 🤣) it will say something that costs hundreds of pounds!

Whenever there is an issue he will blame me, eg 'I can't find my badges, what did you do with them?' He never even showed me them let alone gave them to me.

Watch Damn you Steve, on YouTube. Little clip but very interesting.

I saw the ADHD. Be very very aware of RSD. Any little criticism is processed through the constant feeling of not being good enough that ADHD brings with it.

If he starts, reset, "sorry DS, I know I'm not getting it, can we sit down and you let me know what I'm missing". Use a different, softer tone. Don't go on his rejection journey with him.

The phone is addictive to his ADHD brain. Talking about that, rather than setting your boundaries, learn together about dopamine seeking and what happens when he doesn't limit.

I liked the book "How to talk do your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk".

I found this useful on Spotify:

Raising happy teens
Jennifer Delliquadri

open.spotify.com/episode/4wCkMnzGRRNztJpURQ8zxX?si=DYMcoRzTQhSm_BwABGC89A

Have you read how not to murder your adhd kid? I realise the title is divisive but the actual book is very good and covers the teen years

I’m sure you know this but the arguments might be him seeking dopamine and he’s got into a cycle of it with you so you need to break that cycle (easier said than done I realise)

Thankyou and yes I do do these things so will continue with these techniques and be more consistent. He doesn't like it when I ask him to explain things into me so I probably need to work on that. He's not great verbally so I get he finds it hard.

Most important thing is adapting your parenting to start treating them like young adult. Start imagining they’re a housesharer rather than a kid. Leave them to it. Total privacy in their room. Don’t expect them to do things with you, other than eat dinner at the table without a phone every day. Often the only time you speak to them.

Don’t expect them to tell you much, but find opportunities to talk that isn’t some ominous sit down: walking, driving, them helping you with chores. Make any friends feel welcome so they hang out at yours rather than elsewhere, and you can get an idea of who they are, but again leave them to it.

But with being treated as a young adult comes extra responsibility, i.e. starting to prepare their own meals, clean up their own mess, put away their own laundry etc.

You have to be at home a lot as they tend to feel better when you’re there, even though they may be in and out or in their room and spend v little time with you. That way, you’re there when they want talk. Or if they decide to get up to no good.

How is your sense of humour? Making things rediculous, silly, rude, crude or responding with dry wit instead of getting angry and frustrated.

"Where are my badges mum, what have you done with them?"
"I ate them, you can have them back in 8 to 24 hours. You'll need rubber gloves"

Anything to interrupt the angry feelings. Then you can come back with a helpful "let's have a look for them love, maybe they're in your bag?"