DD13 self harmed and says she's suicidal - but we think it's copycat behaviour

[bohemianwrapsody]

I'm hoping that somebody may have gone through something similar. DD is nearly 14, has an autism diagnosis (loathe to use "high functioning" but she's bright, independent, at a girls' grammar school).

A week ago, the school contacted us to say that she's been self harming, having suicidal thoughts & restricting her eating. She told them she's felt like this since Xmas. She didn't disclose this to them willingly - she'd told a friend who in turn told their mum, who thankfully contacted the school.

This has come as a massive shock to DH and I. She's an only child, we're both very present parents and we haven't noticed any change whatsoever in her behaviour or mood. She's really happy at home - bounces around, we laugh and joke together all the time, we play games together, chat, watch comedy etc etc. She has been in no way withdrawn.

What it does coincide with is her falling out with her best friend who was in the year below, y8, and becoming closer to a group of girls in y10. Who funnily enough, have either self harmed in the past or still are.

We know that DD cut her arms a week ago - she refused to show us but eventually I caught sight of several cuts on both arms. Unusually, she has been wearing long sleeves all week and avoiding the shower (ironically she is pain averse, and I know she's been worried about the cuts stinging). DH and I do not think she had ever self harmed before that, as she usually wears vest tops and we've never seen anything.

I checked her phone for the first time in ages (stupidly I had thought she was happy and settled and there was no need - lesson learned) and although she's been careful to delete her google history, what she doesn't realise I can access is her chatgpt history. She's been asking things like "what is self harm", "does self harm hurt", "where do people self harm".

As I say she is actually very pain averse so I know she wouldn't have decided to self harm in a vacuum. She'd like to have pierced ears, but is scared of having them done so wears clip ons. She's now refused her y9 vaccinations twice, even with numbing cream, because she's scared of it hurting.

She's told her friends some outlandish things, such as she took an overdose last weekend whilst DH and I were out...she's never swallowed a pill in her life because she's scared to. When she was prescribed antibiotics recently she had to have them in liquid form. When we left she was fine, and when we got back 2 hours later, she was mentally and physically fine. After reading these messages we obviously asked her, and she maintained that yes she had taken an overdose, but refused to tell us what she'd taken or how much. DH and I are as certain as we can be that it never happened.

She's told friends that she has an eating disorder, yet at home she eats loads. (and pretty certain she's not purging, as we're in a small house with one toilet, and I'm sure I would have heard or noticed.)

Thank you if you're still reading! DH and I believe that she isn't suicidal, and was completely ignorant of self harm until she became friends with these older girls. But obviously she has self harmed now. We think that she is enjoying the attention, care and validation they're giving her (they're not encouraging her in the messages - very much the opposite. but lots of talk about their own self harm) We think that she hadn't counted on this reaching the school and then us, and is now in too deep to back out. We have very gently tried to intimate this to her - we've been honest that we don't think she took an overdose - but she doubles down and gets angry. The rest of the time since we found out, she's 100% happy with us.

What the hell do we do? We're waiting to hear back from CAHMS but I suspect there will be a long waiting list. She clearly needs to talk to somebody but to try and unpick all of this - we don't want her being pushed further into the persona we believe she's created.

It was the same for me, plus I'm incredibly squeamish and the sight of blood makes me feel faint. For me the self harming was the only way I could release what felt like 'stuck' emotions and as you describe the emotional release was greater than my physical reaction to the pain or the visible damage.
As you say, you have to really hate yourself to be in a position to even consider it, let alone carry it out. OP please don't minimise this with your DD. She was willing to cut her own body, even if 'just' to fit in. It may also be something she's been doing, or thinking about, for longer. It's a big deal.

Her phone is giving her information on self harm so remove her phone before it gets even worse.
Sign her up for a drama club or something similar with a group of kids from different schools. She needs lots of peers not just her school friends.

Your DD is autistic. Everything has to be viewed through this lens. The reasons why autistic D.C. self harm and the reasons why NT DC self harm will be different.

I imagine CAMHS will be a long wait and in the meantime you may want to go private but make sure that support given is tailored.

She needs support with friendships. If she is telling lies to her friends for attention and to fit in she must be really struggling socially. These are not healthy friendships. It’s possible these girls are bullying her and she is making herself appear vulnerable. I did something similar as a teen to avoid being bullied and it backfired spectacularly.

I would address what you know to be lies and I would limit her phone use as she is using it in a negative way. Slimbears suggestion about mentioning moving schools is a good idea and her reaction will tell you how she really feels about school.

CAHMS have phoned and apparently it'll be about 18 weeks before she's even assessed.

I've read back through a lot of messages with this older group and they're not bullying her. It's quite the opposite - they're telling her how much they love her, how they don't want her to hurt herself etc. But one of them in particular does talk about her own self harm a lot.

I agree she is struggling socially. She doesn't seem to have any problem making friends, but she does keeping them. Since starting secondary she has gone through 4 best friends, usually from different form groups - each time she says they suddenly drop her, she doesn't know why, and she's immediately on to the next. I don't know whether it's the other way round and she's dropping people. Last year she got into a group in her class and I was relieved, but that fizzled out too in favour of the 4th best friend. It's hard to separate what is normal teen friendship behaviour and what could be complicated by her autism. I think with this older group accepting her that's massive for her.

She would do a better job at hiding it from her parents and try make sure they don't find out again.

I know this is hard OP. I also think it's good to remember that the children she is friends with will have been the same as her at one point, not knowing about self harm etc.

There are trends and people do copy some self harm behaviours but that doesn't mean that the individual reason why the person feels the need to self harm isn't there. She clearly has felt a need to do it, whether it's due to low mood, wanting attention etc. The friends are a red herring, even if she hadn't discovered self harm the feelings leading up to it would have been there and it may have come out in a completely different but equally negative way.

" We just don't understand how cutting herself could be a coping mechanism for a child who's scared to get her ears pierced, scared to have her vaccinations, and traditionally will avoid washing with so much as a paper cut."

Then, with respect, you need to work harder at understanding. This was me too - scared to get my ears pierced until I was a grow up, refused vaccinations. Also bright, confident, bubbly overachiever at school. And also cut myself.

It was a cry for attention - and that's a valid need. It's real. I did need the love and support of friends, I did need to see if anyone cared about me, I did need to express somehow that I was struggling with fitting in and feeling confident I myself.

I needed the grown ups in my life to say "it looks like you're trying going through something tough - I want to hear about it, and help you find what you need."

Don't get caught up in whether you think it's real or valid. Even just feeling so desperate to fit in with friends that you want to cut yourself, is a real and difficult experience to go through. So take her seriously, at face value.

i was in the same situation, had the same thoughts.
dd got school counselling
and it turned out there had been an issue.

Obviously it's a real and difficult experience. That's why I've spent the last week talking to the school, having 2 lengthy conversations with 111, putting in a CAHMS referral, reading everything I can online, and am now researching private psychologists.

We've removed all sharp objects, hid medication, had her download the Calm Harm app, gently tried to get her to open up but she won't.

I'm searching her bin every day for signs of more cutting and checking the insides of clothes for blood.

Meanwhile we're working hard to maintain a "normal" happy home so that she feels safe and happy here.

It's all I've thought about and I feel sick to my stomach 24/7. I don't know how much more seriously I can take it.

camhs off the record suggested a parenting group for me, can you access this?

I think it's unhelpful to second guess her motives.

Your DD is self-harming. You were unaware until informed by school.

Your job is to access appropriate support and take professional advice on how to help her.

You make a lot of comments about her being happy - but whatever you think her mental state is, the facts are she is self-harming. If you can afford private support, it would be best to get on with it.

Take this seriously, for God's sake!

This is terrible advice.

If the wait is 18 weeks, get her private care, now. Prioritise this.

@bohemianwrapsody

I have similar challenges with my 13yo dd.

She is on a pathway for adhd / asd assessment. She self harmed last summer, I don't know if she has since.

She also cycles through friendships at a rate of knots. This has been more stable the last 12 months but unfortunately also the friends I would want least for her.

She is in a comprehensive not a grammar and most of her friends seem to have some ND traits. They are also the ones who seem to have a lot of trouble in school, reduced timetables, alternative eduction providers etc.

Certainly when younger she was identifying with them. She out of the blue in Y7 asked me if she was autistic because she was just like her friend who was.

I would say self harm is far more prevalent than I realised. I joined a fb support group and there were a couple of names I recognised from my large company and quite a few others that were friends of friends.

I suspect unrequited love, perhaps for another of the girls, which is why she can’t or won’t talk about it.

I went through a similar phase and yes, counselling would have helped. But at the same time I would avoid over-pathologising the situation.

Does she have enough to do? I was bright/high achieving and remember being so bored in that mid teen phase. Hence spending far too much time being in love.

This sounds very like my autistic DD and me as a teen. I agree it is probably copycat behaviour, but the consequences remain as serious.

DD (and me at that age) will follow through on the harm, despite being outwardly contended the rest of the time.

DD has regular CAHMS appointments now. It took a very long time to come through, but it is a good service she is receiving now.

Is there a counsellor at school? Something the psychologist and school have done for DD is a 'safety plan' - This may help your DD.

I can only speak for myself, but I was (and am) unable to know how I felt/feel about things until it comes out in my body (palpitations, trembling, getting hot, getting snappy with people). I think self harm and dabbling with an eating disorder was possibly my attempt to gain some control over my body and emotions. I know I appeared quite blank, emotionless and eager to please on the outside.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I understand how terrifying it is.

You are very clearly taking it seriously. I think people are concerned that you may be appearing to minimize it when speaking to your DD, by not believing her.

I found the webinar linked below on helping your child understand their emotions very helpful. Some is aimed at younger children, but the section on emotion coaching in particular was useful for me. I have, like many parents, a tendency to try to leap in with solutions when emotional connection is what is needed.
https://www.charliewaller.org/what-we-offer/free-webinars

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, so you have a really strong foundation for supporting her through this - whatever "this" is.

I think that there is a strong social contagion element to self harming. This was very clearly the case for my own DD. However, some underlying vulnerability (we now think she was masking autism) meant self harm "worked" for her. She had seemed fine at home but, despite apparently strong friendships, lots of fun activities, great academics etc, she made a serious suicide attempt. By this time the self harm was entrenched and habitual (she wore long sleeves), as was food restriction (she ate one meal a day, happily, with us). We had had no idea that anything was wrong. I am so glad that you have found out about this at an early stage and that it sounds like the cutting may have been a one off.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing to ask private support for your DD. As others have said, it doesn't matter what was behind it. You are doing exactly the right thing to get her professional help.