Help me help my lovely DS (17)

[palmtree2008]

Sorry a long one but I would really appreciate some advice and support. My DS is 17 and is a lovely boy at times, he will sit and chat with me and ask me how I am etc as well as carry in the shopping bags when I have done the weekly shop. He was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and completely rejects this diagnosis and does not want to be associated with it, or for anyone to find out. We have respected his wishes but did confidentially let his school know before his GCSEs and his college now. He only got 3 GCSE passes so couldn't get into 6th form with the other friends he had at the time and has lost touch with them since he started college this year. I don't think he revised at all despite our support and encouragement and tutors hence the results. He has started college doing a course that he said he wanted to do, we didn't push him towards any particular course and he chose what he wanted to do. He goes to college but I recently found out from the college that he isn't doing any work within college as he has told them he does it at home - he doesn't, he has never done any work from home since he started. He has made a few friends at college but not close enough to see them outside of college. He doesn't see anyone his age outside of school now. He now spends a lot of time in his bedroom and seems very flat, although does speak to his younger siblings and enjoys being with my mum and dad. He won't get a job even though he has a full day off college each week and some part days, at least that way he would socialise and earn some money - I started work at 15. He doesn't get in well with my husband who doesn't know how to handle him, and I feel everything is on me and I am worried about him and his future. Any wise words would be very welcome, I am not sure what is teenager behaviours, anxiety/depression or the autism or a combination of all. Help.

I wouldn't say it's typical teenage behaviour no. I suspect it's a combination of his autism and some level of depression. Are you in touch with any support groups for parents with autistic teenagers? I wonder if there would be anything like that in your area, it might be really helpful for you.

That sounds really tough. I think your DS could benefit from counselling to help accept his diagnosis. That it's nothing to be ashamed of. Counselling for your DH too who needs to learn how to support him otherwise they will not have a relationship in adulthood.

I am late diagnosed in my 40s but looking back I really struggled after school. All the structure is gone and you have to navigate everything yourself. Transitions are really hard too for autistic people. You learnt how something works and now you have to start from scratch again.

From a practical point of view it might be worth having a chat with him to see if he is enjoying the course, if it's what he thought it would be, if he wants to continue. If he does, he might benefit from some structure such a a timetable when he can do course work. Eg subject 1 on Mondays etc.

You sound like a very caring mum.

I suggest getting in touch with his personal tutor at the college for a discussion about your son's progress. Has he disclosed his diagnosis to them?

Does he have any interests that could be a hook for socialising outside college? (The college probably has lots of clubs and societies - worth asking.) Whether that's football, chess, historical re-enactment, board games... Those are deliberately random examples but you get my drift - a club to match his interests. Would he join venture scouts, for example?

Thank you. We told his personal tutor about the diagnosis before he started but it has slipped out a few times accidentally even though we told them it was a very sensitive subject for our DS. DS did quite a few clubs in primary and secondary, football team, judo, scouts etc as well as the gym but have quit them all now. He did hang around with friends from school last summer in the evenings etc and always like being out and about but this has since stopped when they went their seperate ways and DS blocked their numbers which was sad/weird - nothing had happened between them. It's such a worry.

I would say that a teenager with autism needs a huge amount of help, support, encouragement and 'keeping an eye on'. With DS I was always checking on what he doing, making sure he was keeping up, doing his homework and that he understood the things he needed to.

See if you can get him communicating a lot more, find out why he hasn't been going to college, what exactly he is struggling with there, ND kids often are not good at asking for help or saying that they are struggling.

Be kind, positive, supportive and encouraging. Work through all the issues with him, break them down into smaller steps. Can he catch up with what he's missed? Does he want to continue with the course? If not what does he want to do next? Lots of suggestions, researching things with him, looking at his options, talking about next steps and just general hand holding really.

It's is often extraordinarily tough becoming a young adult when you're ND unfortunately.

Thank you @StepsInTime, I feel like a bit of a parent failure at the moment. He had some counselling during the dreaded Covid for anxiety, was absolutely rubbish (virtual/internet connection of counsellors rubbish etc) and think it will have put him off for life. Hand on heart I don't think he is ready to accept the autism diagnosis yet and pushing him to do so would make things worse unfortunately. Hopefully if he matures in the future he may see it as an advantage to explain why he deals with things differently to others.

Really helpful advice, thank you @Jade520. It's hard being a parent and seeing all of his school friends head to 6th form and looking at universities, I think those doors are probably closed to him now sadly. I wish I could do more for him but not sure what. I do have good honest conversations with him, usually late in the evening when he is more relaxed but will try to raise some of the useful questions you set out below. Thank you

Gosh, I could have written this myself. My son (also 17) is in the exact same situation, although we haven't had a diagnosis (he also wouldn't accept it if we did get one), as the years go on and his life loses the structure of school, etc the more apparent it becomes.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice but just wanted to empathise with you

Do you think he’s maybe just a bit young for his age and will grow into being more comfortable socially? If he enjoys being at home and spending time with family could he maybe help them out like doing one afternoon a week of gardening with a grandparent or similar? Does he have any special interests like cooking or could he do some life skills stuff at home or with family members and see how he gets on over the next wee while.

@onceaday so very sorry that you are experiencing this too. It's so hard to see them going down the wrong path and knowing what to do about it. All my friends have high achieving children and I'm at a lost about what to do with mine. He is a lovely boy though, when the hormones aren't surging through him. Have you got any support?

@fourelementary yes he has younger sisters so he probably is young for his age. Suggesting some areas of growth at home might not be a bad idea, will give it a try x