Feel like such a failure. Hand hold please

[strugglingmamma9876]

I am single mum to 13 year old who has inattentive adhd. He is medicatied during the school day only. I Separated from dad when he was 5, and sees him regularly.
I'm struggling so much and feel like we are in constant conflict. I want to change the situation so much but nothing I try sticks. My sons dad doesn't seem to have issues but from what I can gather that is because he is passive in respect of boundaries and doesn't set any and because my son is fearful of him shouting at him so is also passive with him and seems to just sit on his phone all the time without much communication. Although he seems him regularly, he doesn't have the parenting responsibilities of getting him up for school, making sure homework is done etc.
I feel like I can't really describe what the issues are.
A few examples. This morning we thought my son had lost his coat. He wanted to take an expensive one he got for Christmas but I said no as he loses things all the time (in a few weeks he has lost Horta face hat, rugby shorts, gum shield, grip socks, 2 sets of head phones) and know he would be upset if he lost that one. He flies off the handle, throwing a coat at me hurling abuse that I want him to get bullied (due to the other coat he had to wear but he has never actually told me this before), that I'm abusive as I'm forcing him to wear a coat he doesn't want to (I didn't touch him at all), then that I'm horrible and sick as he ended up storming off with no coat.
Tonight he is doing maths homework. He is using an app (Gauth). I ask to see the app as I want to understand what it is. He initially lies and tells me he can't get into his phone then when I download the app myself, he goes off on one hurling abuse that I am interfering in his life, that I'm obsessed with him, that he wants me to leave him alone etc etc. he was then just really rude and defiant. As I suspected this app gives the answers so he has been cheating (which is what I suspended but haven't accused him of this). I've just explained my responsibilities regarding checking suitability of apps etc.

Arguments are often caused by him just sitting on his bed every night when he comes home from school, on his phone not doing his homework or getting ready for either his clubs/ going to dads. No matter what I try (routine charts, Alexa, lists, reminders, asking nicely, giving warnings we have the same issue with this every day and same with getting up in the morning but the last 3 days have been better with that.

I need to reduce demand but I just don't know how as he also needs prompts and reminders given his adhd.
The phone is a major issue. He's addicted to it. He's on it from the second downtime goes off at 8;00an until he starts school, then from when he finishes right until his 3 hours are up so usually about 6:30. He barely puts it down between and when he's on it he doesn't listen, doesn't concentrate on anything else and it affects his mood. I do often lock the phone or disable apps as consequences but I'm constantly in 2 minds whether I should restrict it more due to the impact it is having but I know that would make him unhappy.
He really struggles socially and doesn't really have friends but does go to rugby 2/3 times a week and cadets twice.
I'm just so lost 😞 I feel like I've failed as a parent, I clearly don't understand or know my son very well ( he just doesn't really communicate either) and I just don't know what to do for the best. I desperately want to improve things between us.
Please no unkind words. I already feel like a failure and feel bad enough. I don't need any negative comments, just support on how to move things forward.
I also know he could be a lot worse. He doesn't go missing, doesn't vape, isn't really in trouble at school too much (odd behaviour point but nothing major since he has been settled on his meds) and isn't violent which again makes me feel bad for struggling so much when I know it could be worse.
Any words of wisdom to this struggling and upset mamma would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but my 13 year old has suddenly become the dreaded Kevin and Perry type, when only months ago he was top of his class sets in most things etc. So I do understand that they are at a hormonal time now even with no underlying conditions. Offering a hand hold x

Thankyou. I do keep trying to remind myself that some changes and moodiness is normal but when you only have one I find it's hard to judge if this is normal or whether I've just completely failed him and got it all wrong. Parenting just never gets any easier does it!

@strugglingmamma9876 you haven't failed him as a parent. You are fighting on two fronts.... the adhd and teenage hormones. Its not easy, sending the biggest of hugs to you both x

Mine was a bit like this and not much helped but:
Showing lots of love however hard he is
making opportunities for him to do valuable things you can thank him for
Don't sweat too many things
Teach him chores and making dinner- responsibilities
Lots of luck

Instead of consequences. Such as he hasnt listened to gets punished. Reward him for good behaviour or make him earn phone time. It will be tricky at first and maybe chat about it to inform him of the change. Etc if you do as u are asked u can have x on phone extra. Look for positives rather than negative punishments etc. twist the narrative adhd kids are forever having negative consequences for behaviours etc. just a suggests as my son has adhd. Also suggest we he is annoyed give him some time (5-10mins) to calm down then go back and see if he is calm and talk it through. For example he is shouting at u etc say i am not going to listen to this disrespectful behaviour towards me i am giving u x time to calm down and i will come back then explain when he is calm the wrongs he has done n hopefully he will maybe apologise not sure if this helps and it takes time. Ur not a failure it sounds ur doing all u can as his parent. Its hard and lonely at times but its all trial and error !

Also maybe let him take the coat or let him have the knowledge such as its your choice but make sure u look after it because if u loose it like u have lost x you will he upset. This part of his life teens want more independence etc and then he can learn consequences if he did loose it. And he could then blame u. Good luck x

Sorry for all the typos not sure how to edit i was suppose to put then he 'couldnt' blame u

@strugglingmamma9876 thst sounds really, really tough and you are doing the hard yards whilst his ‘father’ is basically doing not very much at all.

I think I’d speak to the school about reducing demands for homework, it’s not working for him so a reasonable adjustment might be no homework, given he is medicated only during school hours.

I can totally understand why the medication is only active for school hours by the way. If 24/7 then it will interfere with sleep and it’s not a benign medication in any way.

Youre doing a great job in really difficult circumstances. Well done you x

www.adhdwise.uk
Also i did a course which i did have to pay for but it was brilliant its run by a women who has adhd herself and her children do and it was very valuable for me in my parenting.

I have just been reflecting on this that maybe I should have just let him take it but then if he lost it knowing how poor his executive functioning skills are I'd have blamed myself and felt bad! There's just no win lol.

Teenage hormones and ADHD are a really challenging combination. You’ve got a volatile hormonal mix with a neurotype that favours impulsiveness (generally). Hard to manage.

Oooh I feel this. So much of this resonates with me and our experience with our son throughout secondary school. I can't begin to explain the issues and sometimes saying them out loud doesn't explain how stressful these situations can be and the impact it has. And hugely get the feeling of failure. All I can say is, hang on hang on hang on. Hook on to the good parts, as tiny as they might be. Be there for him and reassure him of that and be in his corner whilst trying to get him to do the right thing. We tried every thing under the sun during those years and in reality, nothing really changed it. There were better days and worse days. I started to doubt we would get through it. From 16/17 it gradually got better. DS is now 18 and we have the best relationship. He's matured so much, no longer has any interest in screens, super outdoorsy, considerate (most of the time lol) and funny. I love him to bits and so proud of how far he's come. Your DS sounds similar to mine and he can come through it. Please keep the faith. In hindsight, I think my DS really hated his school and I wish I'd seen it more and maybe done something about that. That might not be the case for you, but just a thought. Sending my love x

Put restrictions on his phone, he needs your help to balance his life. Yes he will have a tantrum but he will get used to restrictions if you stand firm.

Also, @strugglingmamma9876 I just clocked he does rugby and cadets for a minimum of 4 nights a week. That’s great going. I don’t think it’s unusual at all he is on his phone for the remaining time. I’d let him at it, he might need a safe addictive type behaviour to cope and generally phones are pretty benign. Obviously some content can be unhealthy but most is just doomscrolling nonsense.

You are right and this is all advice I'd give too lol. It's just much harder when you are in the thick of it! I think I might reduce the phone time like you say and then give extra time when he's don't what he's been asked to do and if we have had a day of nice behaviour. That should help as there won't be focus on the negatives then, just on the positives and it will take away the daily after school bagged. Thankyou your advise has really helped.

He doesn't get much homework at all. Only once or twice a week.

I will absolutely look in to this. I've spent tonight looking for resources such as this or even family therapy but haven't really found anything.

Thankyou so much. That makes me feel so much better that there is hope. During holidays we tend to always go away and that is because of how hard term time is because of the impact school and the need to spend some time together having fun and creating memories has but I don't always remember that and I'd forgotton until you just mentioned it. He doesn't really talk about school much and doesn't say he doesn't like it but I imagine given his needs and struggles that it is tough. All this is helping me to remember that he does have quite a bit to navigate and that I need to remember that and cut him some slack some times whilst also maintaining boundaries. I do need to hold onto those positives and I might start marking them down in my phone such as last night I was proud when he told me he had passed his basic training at cadets and last week that he had reached secured in a school test all of which are big achievements for him.

Very limited secondary homework is like the golden goose: your son is lucky if he doesn’t have to do this:

Teens do need loads of free time and space at this age. Even if they’re not going out physically. They need downtime to do what they want to do.
If that’s phones, I reckon that’s ok.

obviously if he would miss his hobbies through lack of executive function/ not being able to manage getting ready and time, that’s an issue and one I hope you can sort out

I know and this is why I'm so conflicted. As long as he's done his home work and done what he needs to do I do let him on it (there is a 3 hour restriction) but I might turn it so that he has one hour and then can have extra after homework and getting ready etc. he's so opposite to me in this way so I find it hard to try to figure out what's actually an issue and what's just a me issue lol.

It’s really tough, I have adhd and so does my 14yo ds. I tear my hair out, he’s lost 2 whole PE kits and a pair of school shoes in the last 12 months. He lost his coat and didn’t tell me until the night before a school trip to Germany in December. He lies about anything he thinks I will say no too. Buying energy drinks is an ongoing battle. He is in isolation for a day next week because he got caught leaving school to go buy sweets and energy drinks.

But I do have some success with conversations about him taking responsibility because he wants good things, so he will do minimal homework most of the time because he has decided he wants to go to college. He does far more, far more willingly for teachers he likes. We —bribe— pay him pocket money for positives, like chores or school reward points.

He will engage in conversations about problem solving things, I try really hard not to nag, and reframe as how are we going to fix x, y or z. It absolutely isn’t easy. I try to forgive quickly when he cocks up and I really pick my battles.

You see, there are positives :) I put so much pressure on every bit and probably catastrophised..... if he's doing this and not listening now, then this will happen, and then this. Mine never spoke about school issues, but I now see the signs were there. Boys are terrible at saying things directly, especially at this age so just try and be aware. My DS did scape through exams in reality, but there was a point I didn't think he'd get anything. Then things improved at college where he felt lecturers gave them more autonomy and respect and he got a steady part time job. Now he's gone to uni from there and things are so much better. It feels like forever when you're in it, I know. In some ways now if I could go back I'd stay firm on the big stuff (and know what that really is) but really, don't sweat the small stuff.

I think it’s important to communicate to your son that you are his ally, not his adversary. You are on the team of him. Allow him his down time, and be his supporter in controlling when it’s (eg) one hour before bed. He needs recovery time from school and activities, and online is where his peer group is.. I’m here on my phone at 00.24; the new norm is being understanding, and modelling reasonable screen time,

I disagree with Undrugged, I think using all your time between school and dinner on a phone is depressing and will be causing problems. Sitting for 3hrs a day hunched, mind numbed, indoors, on his own - it's hardly living the dream. He could be doing it because he's a bit lonely or sad, but it's also going to be stopping him from changing that, a vicious cycle.

Do any of us look back at our teenage years and wish we'd pissed all our time and energy away on a smartphone?

I would have a family move to reduce phone time, say it's becoming a problem for you as well. Could you volunteer to walk a neighbours dog or anything semi useful, get him some decent books to read or watch a TV show together so at least it's a connection thing.

There's plenty of stuff for him to do at home. He likes exercising and likes darts so does that sometimes and we do watch something together most nights before bed. It's the time straight after school that's the issue and I'm working at that time so can't physically motivate him.
As a child with adhd this is how he gets his dopamine hit when the medication has worn off and this is his daily habit. For him dopamine comes from social media, and buying new things (usually related to a new hyper focus) so that's something else that I have to work really hard with him to manage too as he is completely obsessed with spending and as he's so young he doesn't understand that this is about dopamine yet