13 year old (year 8) girl misbehaved at school

[rileybelle]

My 13 year old daughter is usually very well behaved at school. However, today I received a phone call from her head of year to say she had been put in isolation due to being disruptive in class. This has never happened before and you can count the number of dentions she has ever received on one hand. She is excelling academically and usually gets 1-2 merit awards every day.

She has been very difficult this week, complaining of feeling sick but no objective evidence of being ill. I let her have a day off on Wednesday as she was still complaining of nausea, and she's gone back to school happily for the rest of the week. She's been difficult to talk to - accusing my husband and I of not caring about her, not believing her and generally not wanting to talk to us (monosyllabic replies).

She's recently got a boyfriend and has been spending time with him at our house and his house, always with parental supervision (we are not happy about this but want to maintain open and honest communication).

I want there to be consequences for this behaviour but I also don't want to be too harsh as she's usually extremely well behaved. I also don't want to punish her if there is something else going on.

You need to see what she says when she gets home.
But a weekend of not going anywhere or having anyone round is possibly a good start so there is opportunity to discuss things tomorrow or the next day once the dust has settled, and there is no one else around to disrupt the conversation.
Try not to get cross, be calm and matter of fact that she is not going out and you expect a full discussion about how her behaviour got her sent to isolation and how things have been on shaky ground recently.

Thank you - I was thinking along those lines of no sleepovers, family dinners saturday and sunday evening, not going out to town with friends during the day.

She is extremely difficult to talk to at the moment and has an answer for everything, she also always knows best and is always right. I don't know how much of this is a normal teenage phase and how worried I should be. Her older brother was completely different at this age but they are both very different personality wise.

My Dds are completely different, and hormones make a huge difference to how well they communicate, an actual conversation Vs is just being angry shouting. Either way being sent to isolation is not okay so I think your approach is a good one, not banished to her room, in fact making a point of perhaps watching a film together or similar.
Good luck.

Sometimes it's teen hormones.

Sometimes it's testing the boundaries.

Sometimes a shock of a consequence is enough for them to turn it around.

Sometimes there is an underlying cause (for example bullying) so it's important to say you are disappointed on the behaviour but keep the lines of communication open - and don't just listen to what she says - actually hear her. You can validate feelings and empathise with feelings and still be disappointed in the behaviour they exhibited to communicate those.

It's a hard age. And the truth is sometimes the generally good kids get noticed more for poor behaviour choices than the ones who exhibit that behaviour day in and day out. It can cause problems because then they do focus on "well when X did that they did t get into trouble".

If she's generally lovely and behaves appropriately, and it's just this week she seems to have had a personality transplant I would absolutely not reflex into punishment.

First off school already punished her for poor classroom behaviour.

But more importantly, I would want to know what's going on, because something is. And you'll not find out when she's full of resentment and anger. She probably expects a good telling off and punishment from you for getting in trouble, so I would blindside her with genuine care, compassion and curiosity. Be on her side. Car journeys are the best place to talk to teenagers. Take her out to pick up a coffee or something and have a chat in a "hey love, what's up, this isn't like you, how can we help'" sort of a way.