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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

HELP!! My 15 year old is SO unreasonable ?!

6 replies

CASTL3 · 27/02/2025 01:43

God I don’t know where to start here …
slight context .. I have a 15 year old son, has always shown strong traits of ASD, and ADHD - this is not uncommon so has always been managed reasonably well at home.
his father and I separated 2 years ago - now OBVIOUSLY this has had an impact on him. It ended up being messy too so he has been through it.
the past few weeks he’s been really acting out - things are genuinely ok at home , his Father and I are co parenting the best we have so far .. yet he’s just unbelievably unreasonable?!
he’s started going out and just has openly decided he’s an adult and we should just ‘ get over it ‘ ‘ accept it ‘ ‘ don’t wait up for him - just go to bed ‘ ?!?!?!! Hes always had the potential for attitude and opposition- but he’s actively acting on it now and what on earth can I do?! I feel SO powerless !! I have guilt, naturally. But I do not want to enable this!
I’m almost ‘ scared ‘ to react as I don’t want to get it wrong and In all honesty I’m just scared it won’t work and he will just laugh at me - I can’t handle the lack of respect ! I work SO hard .. he has no idea what I’ve been through and what I’m doing for him - I know he shouldn’t have to and I am not expecting validation from my son of course! I’m just feeling very sorry for myself deep down !
how on earth do you give consequences that fit the crime and teach a lesson when he essentially won’t allow it?! I can’t ‘ make ‘ him do anything?!
I never thought I’d say this …!

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 27/02/2025 01:47

So hes a working, self supporting adult now?
Contributing equally to the household?
There's a book I've heard referred to in circs like this, I think it's called, 'Mum I hate you, get out of my life, but first gibe Suzy and I a lift to the mall'.

LemonTraybake · 27/02/2025 05:54

Stop beating yourself up about it being a result of your separation, its not necessarily anything to do with that, because he sounds like a lot of teenage boys, including my own. I don't have any advice because I haven't found anything that works with my son and things are pretty awful right now, but I will say think about what makes for a calmer home and better living environment for you and your other kids; whether thats standing up to him and nipping it in the bud or letting more things go, only you can decide.

Dueanamechange2025 · 27/02/2025 06:33

Agree with PP, don’t think this is about the separation, it’s sounds like any 15 testing the boundaries. The only question I would ask re separation is would your ex support anything you put in place or do you risk him running there and having no boundaries?

The first way of tackling it for me would be to say, ok, you want to behave like an adult, from now on your responsible for washing your own clothes, cooking your own meals, cleaning you bedroom, paying for your own phone etc (choose what works). You don’t want to do that, then we need to agree some ground rules. Explain that even adults living in other people’s property have ground rules.

Maybe it’s time to flex some of the older boundaries to make him feel listened to but not total control on his part.

I do have an ASD / ADHD teen and know how hard it is. The constant worry of pushing too much and it back firing. It’s hard!

CreationNat1on · 27/02/2025 07:04

I have 2 teenage sons, 15 and 16, with birthdays coming up.

I tell them I love them everyday. I tell them my genuine fears about drug use. We ve discussed addiction and how it happens. I tell them I worry about their safety if out late. I explain my worries about them. I tell talk to them about how a bad decision can have big consequences.

I m sure every mother does all of that. I almost never punish them, I don't have to, it's always talking (therapy) between us.

Maybe I ve just gotten lucky with my two, as I Havnt had any trouble with them. My eldest will be 17 shortly and I m hoping to organise a summer job for him and driving lessons. I ve discussed that with him, he seems happy with both suggestions.

I m not a big fan of being controlled myself. Prefer the talking route. They know everything I and dad have and do and invest in, will ultimately be for them. I guess I love bomb them a lot, and they are very well behaved in return.

CreationNat1on · 27/02/2025 07:15

Well I say I have no trouble with them, but it's more correct to say we navigate our way around it. About 2 years ago, my eldest and his mates, entered a B & that was under redevelopment one Sunday evening. It was an empty redevelopment, construction site. They had great fun exploring. Told me about it.

I explained how that was something that could have spiralled out of control and he could have gotten into serious trouble if police had been called etc. One silly decision could change his life.

He grounded himself for about a month, avoided those friends.

He and same gang of friends were also playing some daft games where they would randomly approach people and give them compliments. He randomly approached a woman and told her she had a nice coat and she ran away. His dad had to explain to him how frightening it might be for a lone woman to be approached by a man or groups of teenage men/boys. What would happen if she reported it as a threat. Once explained he understood the consequences.

My experience of teenage boys is they are sweet, but prone to giddiness that can get them in trouble. Consequences need to be spelled out for them, as they don't see the potential risk.

We are not a macho family, they think "alpha" males are stupid. We are quite happy to be a vegetarian, live and let live household, so I might have got lucky with them.

CASTL3 · 27/02/2025 10:59

Thank you all for your time and responses.

I talk with my son so much I feel like his therapist ( I am actually in training to become a therapist ..)
he has 1-1 counselling in school ( this won’t be great but it’s something ) he has 1-1 with another staff member and he is on a referral for Cahms/ boxing therapy - so things are in motion in that regard, and he is engaging. He just simply thinks he should be able to ‘ not have a curfew as he’s fine ‘ … there is truth to the ammo he has against his father and I. 100% but he is absolutely using it as a tool to allow himself to do what he wants - as with most adolescents, that’s priority.

I am desperate for him to ‘ just be respectful’ and he isn’t! It’s breaking my heart!

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