DD13 mentally ill and can't make friends I'm worried!

[BluntOliveBear]

(1st time mumsnetter here!)
My daughter is showing worrying behaviour. She suspects that she has bipolar and she has autism, ADHD and OCD. No matter online or offline, she can't seem to keep friends - she is currently in year 8 and the transition to secondary school was very difficult for her because she drifted away from all her friends and best friends and currently has nobody. She desperately wants friends, but she either can't relate to anybody or they simply don't like her. She doesn't 'follow the crowd' per se; she is very unique, knows who she is and has always been very sure of her identity. She also has a very low social battery which makes it even more difficult for her to befriend anybody because she finds social interaction difficult but nonetheless wants people to spend time with. She's inside/in her room alot, doesn't talk about having friends at school, never leaves the house on weekends and isn't very independent. Her interests are also quite childish (not a bad thing!) but she likes shows like My Little Pony and Bluey, enjoys playing with toys and plushies, talks like somebody much younger and definitely doesn't have the 'mind' of a teenager. In my opinion, she's definitely age regressing as a coping mechanism. I am worried because she seems extremely lonely and isolated and spends huge amounts of time in her room, pacing and talking to herself. When she talks to herself, she replies for the 'other person' in the conversation and has a network of imaginary friends that she believes are real and taking care of her/doing things with her, like imaginary parents or an imaginary friend group. She was terrified of turning 13 because she was worried one of the imaginary friends would 'get mad at her' as well, and she hasn't really been the same since her birthday - she's been significantly more isolated and seems to be regressing even more in terms of age, insisting that her imaginary friends are taking care of her. She's highly intelligent (nearly genius level!) writes astoundingly and has many dreams for the future, I just feel so sorry and sad for her because of her circumstances. She's also mentally ill, traumatised because of situations I won't get into now but refuses therapy because she thinks it's a scam and insists on doing things herself (she hates asking for help.) I really don't know what to do here because she's clearly not happy but she's expressed while talking to herself many times that the 'sadness makes her happy' and she obviously bottles things in 😓. Can anybody offer any advice or a helping hand in these tough times?

You sound like a great, caring mum OP.
I lose patience when I read 'refuses therapy' because X Y and Z. These teenagers think they know it all. Does she want the solution to her problems to just drop into her lap? Sadly no, you have to work at them, MH included (been there, it's tough, it's gruelling, but it helps).

What has she actually been diagnosed with? What do you mean when you say she suspects she has bipolar?

What kind of support has she received already for her diagnosis?

It sounds very difficult and she sounds like she needs help.

It's difficult - she obviously needs some external help but often people refuse this when they need it most. Neither you or her can fix this.
You can't second guess diagnosis of neuro diversity either.
She's 13, so your duty as a parent is to seek help for her. I'd make an appointment with the GP and explain to her that it's not optional or negotiable.

Nobody on mumsnet is going to solve this. If she has trauma that needs to be dealt with. And unfortunately the old adage runs true, to get a friend you need to be a friend. Until she can relate to her peer group on a reciprocal level and give something back, she is going to be isolated. It’s sad but there is a lot to unpick here.

It sounds really really hard, and worrying.
She is a child though so may still need you to make decisions in her best interests.

Is she on TikTok (or similar) a lot?
Some of the things like diagnosing herself with those things, and thinking therapy is a scam give me that impression

I'm a mental health nurse. You need to see a GP and get CAMHS involved. You need to determine whether she is playing make believe, or if she actually believes imaginary friends are genuinely real and are genuinely looking after her. If so that sounds like psychosis, which needs treating. The pacing and talking to self also signal psychosis to me if I'm being honest. The neurodivergence makes it more complex ofc, but it needs looking at. I can't comment on diagnosis as it's impossible to say on that information. On the flip side, I'm neurodivergent, and used to 'talk to myself' but in reality I was acting out scenes between characters I liked. I was just playing though, and knew it wasn't reality.

People with bipolar will typically experience mania at some point, and you will likely know if she's been manic. It often includes: very poor sleep, fast/random speech, having tons of energy, stopping self care acts, reckless or uncharacteristic behaviour, irritability, and often delusions e.g. 'I've got an idea to save the entire NHS from collapse'.

Are there any local groups for neurodivergent people to go to, where she could perhaps meet other children with interests outside the typical age range?

I agree with a PP there's a lot to unpick here and likely no quick answer. GP should be a first step, even if it starts with you talking to them to understand what support your DD can get.

What external help you have looked into? At a similar age, DD vehemently hated CBT but tried and responded to Art therapy. In time, this opened her up to other options.

As for the friendship part, what are her interests? DD's school ran a D&D evening, and she started making connections there which grew to friendships. It's Ok not to follow the crowd, but try and help her find niches where she can be comfortable. However it sounds like this issue is just the surface and there's bigger issues to deal with.

Great answer above

Possibly consider printing your original post off and showing it to the GP

Also take her with you but tell the GP in advance that she must not read the note out in front of your dd

She's not on TikTok and she has that impression because we've had over 10 therapists to no avail.

She's absolutely been very visibly manic before to the point where she can hardly function. We're working on getting the bipolar diagnosed but everything takes time sadly 😭the most that I think I can do in the meantime is offer support

She does appear to be friendly with people and nobody actively dislikes her, but she can't make lasting/close friendships or connections with people because she gets tired of them easily and her episodes can be alot to handle.

Just to clarify: she HAS ADHD, autism and OCD already diagnosed and we know she has them. She isn't self-diagnosing.

@User7288339 sorry, i forgot to mention you! no, she doesn't have any tiktok/etc and we've had 10+ therapists with nothing working, so i understand her viewpoint to an extent

Bit of an odd question, but is it definitely friends that she wants - rather than acquaintances or people to do X with? Does she understand what friendship entails? Can she manage that?

If she's bright then she might like to look at "The 7 unwritten rules of friendship". My son (asd) found it useful. He has friends and friendship is important to him but has struggled with forming new friendships and also deepening them.

It may seem an odd question, but what is it that you would like a therapist to do for her?

As you have had 10+ therapists that were unsuccessful, I think it would be useful to be crystal clear what help you and she think she needs. General 'therapy' without specific goals won't help.

Certainly, a diagnosis of bi-polar, and ruling out psychosis, would be good - I believe this is done via the GP or CAMHS as a first step, so this is not to do with therapy.

Therapy won't fundamentally change her ADHD, Autism or OCD. At best, she could pick up some useful coping strategies, but general 'counselling' therapy or CBT won't teach her e.g. how to make friends.

Perhaps look for specific help, or self-help books or support groups, for identified goals.

What does the school say? How does she behave at school, in class etc?

She sounds autistic. The bipolar could be a misreading of autistic dysregulation

I work with autistic girls and she is really sounding v similar. My little pony...can't make friends....

My autistic 11 Yr old also talks at length to herself doing all the voices of conversations

I would be wary you are not interpreting autism and her struggles fitting into neurotypical environment as mh issue

She thinks it's bipolar because there are distinctive periods and times of episodes like mania vs depression... Not sure if thats autistic dysregulation

@LemonTraybake she gets very good grades, pays attention to the lessons that she cares about etc. She’s not badly behaved, she’s had tantrums/meltdowns several times during lessons occasionally but that’s it. She’s quiet, usually keeps to herself - doesn’t eat lunch, goes in the library to catch up with work instead.

just giving this another bump! i know more people are online at this time 😊

Forgot to add - When describing one of her imaginary friends (she told me she has 50+) she noted that they were abrasive and abusive towards her….. really not sure what to do anymore….