It's NOT about me. But can I have my moment here?

[CuriousRunner]

My DD is really struggling. But for this post only please can I park this and make it about me?

Trust me. I'm biting on a stick so that she doesn't know/feel this....

The constant moodiness and monosyllabic behaviour grinds me down and sucks the life out of me.

My enforced jolliness is exhausting.
I feel her mood like a black cloud that I absorb and it becomes my own mood.
The second guessing what I should say, shouldn't say mentally challenging beyond words.
I am hurt and angry that DD holds me responsible for so much that is out of my control. And worse, beyond my skill set.
I'm hurt and angry that DD can't see how hard I try to get it right and support her.
I'm hurt and angry that everything is my fault.
I'm hurt and angry that it's mum focused and dad gets off Scott free.

Parenting a 13 year old is by far the hardest thing I've ever done and triggers my own relationship with my mother that I've worked SO HARD not to replicate. But seems that history is bound to repeat itself no matter how hard I try. Just with a slightly different wrapper.

Ok. Back to being a supportive parent and the child at the centre.

I hear you OP. It can suck the joy out of you.

Vent away.

Oh I know exactly what you mean. DD is a few years older and I still feel like this more often than I'd like.
Have a rant! Better here than to your DD.

Meh, just ignore her. It'll pass.

Can totally empathise.

Parenting my teenage DS is exhausting. I realised the other day how much his bad moods affect me and although I know it won't be like this forever, when you're in the thick of it, it feels never ending.

Parenting teenagers is actually quite a traumatic experience I feel. It’s incredibly hard.
What I have done myself is told them (I’ve 3 teen/young adult girls) is that parents don’t come knowing everything. We are all just doing what we think is right but none of us are experts. The expectation by them that we are the holy grail of all knowledge and able to magically get everything perfect needs to be managed.
I’m not of the opinion that children should be at the centre of everything and that the family should revolve around them, kids of all ages like boundaries even if it’s just to rally against them 😂.
But, yes, it’s very very hard and I relate completely to your sentiment. Just remember, you are a human not an innate punch bag. I have said to mine at various times, it’s fine to be angry/sad/moody or whatever but it’s not fine to decimate anyone in this house because of your mood.
Mind yourself too

Do you think we were the same when we were teenagers? I can remember some blistering rows with my mother and being told I was “selfish”.

13 is such a hard age. When my teen was that age and was horrible and rude to me, I had a policy that I would just calmly walk away, go into my room and do something nice for myself - read a book, listen to a podcast, run a bath. I think teenagers can be so draining that it is essential to fill your own cup so that you have some resources to deal with it.

I also found Never Let Go by Suzanne Alderton incredibly useful when my teen was having mental health issues.

If she is just going through the motions then leave her be

Dont go after her creating small talk

If shes grumpy leave her to it

Stop taking in her emotions- detach yourself and remove yourself from the vicinity so you are not faced with the moods/silences

Offer lunch or Costa when you can see she is receptive

otherwise this is a phase and she’ll get over it

Fuck yeah, you've put that very well and I think a LOT of us can relate. It's known to be very trying bringing up teenagers, but I don't think you realise - until you really hit the rocks with a child with MH issues - just how demoralising, lonely and utterly depleting it is.

The only thing I can offer you is a light at the end of the tunnel. My eldest was horrific from 13 to 16, self-harming and angry and in total burnout (from years of bullying and being autistic at school, mostly). I was permanently terrified. Most of the anger and spite came my way (dc now says that was because I was the "safe person who wouldn't crumble" but it didn't bloody well feel like it!) That dc is 22 now and has found a niche, is delightful and self-aware, loyal and loving and a pleasure to be with. There were many times I didn't think we would be ok, but we are, and you will be too.

They say when you're going through hell, keep going. Use MN to download and vent whenever you need to, and make yourself do things that make you happy and restore energy, even if you don't feel like it.

Bless you guys.

With DD we're dealing with self harm, likely neurodivergence, counselling etc etc. but this little corner right now isn't about her. This is about me/us. Counselling? I want to send in the equivalent of the United Nations. Someone to stick up for me and fly my flag.

Why can't I get a bit of DM sympathy for my own neurodivergence AND fecking menopause MH symptoms that floored me?!

Well, for what it’s worth I’m sticking up for you.

We have respite care for those caring for elderly relatives - we need the same for those with teens! Somewhere safe to shunt them off to while you get a couple of days to wallow in you.

I am not sure if this is you or not OP but maybe it seems men have it easier because they just get on with things where mums take on what they don't need to and think way too much about things, maybe men should think more but women seems to go from drama to next, if she wants to be moody just leave her to it

women seems to always need to fix things so dont

Sometimes there is NOTHING like the support received from strangers on the internet. Thanks ❤️

@BlondiePortz I hear you. I'm afraid as much as I want to hide from this drama it needs facing off too. And my fab DH seems to have had a shockingly sheltered life meaning he doesn't understand anything less tangible than a broken leg 🤣

I am saying this to try and be helpful not having a go but it doesnt need to be you hiding just accepting the way she is and getting on with things yourself, I am not saying ignore her just the behaviour

I get you. I'm irritated with myself how much DDs mood "finds" me. I feel it like the dementors in Harry Potter. A black creeping cloud that envelopes me.